painting i finished yesterday.

"Raw"

this painting, to me, is raw.

another abstract.

it's messy.

edgy.

and raw.

it's almost visceral.
again, i have typed.

and typed.

and deleted.

it's almost as if what used to help me....

figuring shit out.

here.

on my blog......

has stopped working for me.

my words no longer seem powerful.

or meaningful.

it's like i am disconnected.

still having a hard time adjusting to it just being me. and the boys.

james' death left a huge hole in our lives.

and i haven't quite figured out how to fill up all that empty space.

three for three.

"Sunset"
i feel things deeply.
strongly.
passionately.
from looking at me from the outside, you would never know.
it's all going on...........inside.
sometimes so much so it overloads me.
shuts me down.
completely.
sometimes, however, it is a good thing.
a necessary thing.
it's just how i am.
it will never change.
and i wouldn't want to.
i've said all these things before.
i'm saying them again because they relate to this painting.
my third recent abstract.
it's bold.
messy.
powerful.
there are two things that make me feel.
instantly.
one is the ocean.
being on the beach.
the way it smells.
it makes me feel different.
it opens me.
the other is music.
sometimes i don't know how deeply affected by things i am until i hear certain words in a song.
the rhythm of a song can take me away.
music evokes STRONG emotion in me.
i had no idea what this painting would end up being when i started it.
i have to say, i was damn close to the zone.
i love how this painting turned out.
watching the sun set, being on the beach....
those two things are strong.
powerful.
to me.
almost every single time i paint i jam to tunes.
mostly DMB.
loud DMB.
it helps me not think.
which helps me paint.
the less i think the easier a painting is created.
fucking loving abstract.

two paintings in two days.

"Solitude"
another abstract piece.
the black is bold.
striking.
strong.
powerful.
yes strong and powerful are different.
serene.
i love being alone.
having time to think.
reflect.
to just, be.
to let your mind wander where it will.
this painting represents strength.
WANTING to be alone.
as a way to help replenish your soul.
to help clear your mind.
to try to find balance.
i will, i am sure, do a painting (maybe soon) which represents loneliness.
i have experienced a lot of that over the last year and a half.
not sure if i will stay in the yellow/black yellow/black/white theme...or if i will move on to different colors.
i really do love yellow and black together.
i love my studio.
it rains a lot here.
when i paint, i often paint with my windows open while the rain gently falls.
it's nice.
i like this painting.
it really does shout out strength and solitude (that which you crave/want/need).
not that by which you are forced into.
because your husband died.
and you are lonely.
loving abstract.
love love loving it.

feeling abstract.

finally.
a painting that left me feeling.
SOMETHING.
abstract.
full.
powerful.
last night, i sat, for a long time.
typing.
deleting.
ultimately posting nothing.
unable to figure out what the fuck is making me feel the way i am currently feeling.
too much inside my head at the same time.
too afraid to admit and acknowledge some of what is in there.
this painting is big. 36 x 30.

a couple of weeks ago i found a box.
full of photographs.
and keepsakes.
inside the box was this photo.
i took it when i lived in fort bragg, CA.
20 something years ago people.
i was young.
seriously.
like 12.
in the photographs from this time i really do look like i'm 12!
this is the trussell at pudding creek beach.
when i lived there, this was one of my favorite places to go.
after i moved away, i went back to fort bragg.
over and over.
it will always be one of my favorite places on this planet.
it's appropriate, i guess.
that i am posting this photograph, and the painting inspired by this photograph.
fort bragg (and mendocino, a little artsy village 7 miles south of fort bragg) is where james and i spent many of our anniversaries. my 19 year anniversary is in two days. i can hardly fucking believe it. may 26th. james and i would have been married for 19 years.
this painting is innocence.
the innocence of my youth.
when life was simple.
and fun.
and all about me.
full of parties, drinking.....
life was carefree.
and damn good.
time spent with a dude who was in the coast guard.
this painting also represents standing out.
standing alone.
not being afriad to be different.
to just be....who i am.
it is the first painting i have been truly excited about in MONTHS.
going to let it sit.
see how it feels.
but i'm thinking it's a done deal.

conflict.

i am constantly at conflict wtih myself.
i love my children.
yet i long for freedom.
to NOT be a parent.
struggled with this issue for years.
that's why i was going to thailand.
part of the reason, anyway.
one of the things that has been hardest for me is how hurt the boys have been by their father's death. fucking duh.
he was huge in their lives.
and now he is not present.
on a daily, in person kind of way.
now he is only memories.
it breaks my heart to see all the other father's at tball practice while alexander's is not.
i am there.
but james is not.
james coached for ethan.
and can't be there for zan.
THAT is the shit that kills me.
knowing what the boys are missing.
like tomorrow.
when ethan has to go on his field trip without me.
he wants me there.
but i cannot go.
the field trip is after alexander gets out of school.
kindergarten is short.
so E must go off.
without a parent.
which makes him sad.
it makes ME sad.
i cannot be in two places at once.
i am stretched too thin.
being everything to them.
all the time.
right now, sitting in front of the computer i can literally feel the stress in my neck.
and shoulders.
my head hurts.
part of it is being tired.
part of it is just the constant-ness of being a parent.
never getting to sleep in.
being the only one.
i laugh when i think about how hard i thought it was before james died.
cuz dude. that was nothing.
when bad things happen it sucks.
you figure it out.
step by step.
in the end, it's all about how you handle yourself.
to those who think i haven't 'sucked it up', or, dealt with my unhappy circumstances, i say this.
walk a mile in my shoes. THEN you can criticize me. until then, shut the fuck up.
that last part was directed at my father, you know, in case anyone was wondering.
he thinks i'm not doing this well.
which is funny.
he doesn't even know me.
or my children.
and hasn't been here for us.
a second email he sent me.
as hurtful as the first.
i choose not to respond.
because it is pointless.

things on my mind.

i have sat, and typed.
a few times in the last week.
then deleted everything.
currently filled with self-doubt.
working through it.
i saw a painting today.
a beautiful, raw, visceral painting.
an artist i have discovered.
with whom i am currently obsessed.
made me long to paint.
to really, truly create.
with feeling.
strong emotion.
if i could truly channel half of what i feel on the inside into my art.....
that would be amazing.
most of what i feel remains on the inside.
rarely shown on the outside.
my weekend was good.
but surreal.
filled with some of what i have been longing for.
yet at the same time soooo overwhelming.
i have felt disconnected today.
like i am living someone else's life, not my own.
weird.
and hard to explain.

*some* of the best things.

"rowboat"

painting i finished today.

love the perspective on this one.

the colors are dramatic.

unexpected.

i like that too.

some of the best things:

listening to it rain as i fall asleep.

taking a chance, believing in myself.....and painting.

not giving a fuck and speaking my mind when i am pissed.

hot hot hot coffee.

it seems to be therapeutic to me.

singing and grooving to tunes as i paint in my studio.

being so in to *that* moment.

feeling the music. inside.

letting it move my body. on the outside.

not thinking.

just painting.

walking away from a painting and coming back to it later.

with fresh eyes.

SO helpful.

jammin in my car as i drive.

being held by a man.

feeling his warm body and arms around me.

i figured it out.

unedited iPhone photo of a painting i finished today. "fishermen"
in person it needs to be viewed from about 5 feet away.
i am extremely lucky to have this life that i currently have.
went to coffee with bethany this morning.
then i went home and worked in my studio.
each and every day i will make some progress to make this all happen.

something has been bugging the crap out of me.
i've had this feeling.
this feeling that. just. wouldn't. go. away.
i finally figured it out.
i am afraid.
afraid of finding something good and having it go away.
afraid of losing it.
afriad it's not even there to begin with.
actually, i didn't 'just' figure this out.
i've known it for a while.
just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.
now that i have.......
i have to figure out what to do with this information.
cram it down, pack it in....way deep inside....like i do with all of the shit??
i'm thinking that's a pretty fucking good idea.

this post really isn't about him.

i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and open.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
think later.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
it's pointless.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.

weior lfk amsdfklcsdf

last weekend i had a freakshow of a breakdown in the most inopportune place.
omg. seriously. WTF.
christine was here (which is a good thing).
she gave me a break and pretty much took care of the boys the entire time she was here.
then she left. sad face.
my little sobbing out of control eposide..........
i hate that shit.
but here's the thing.
i have been thinking A LOT about it.
i try hard to keep my emotion(s) to myself.
but last weekend, i just wasn't able to reign it in.
part of me wanted to just let it all out.
feel comforted. and safe.
part of me was very angry at myself for letting it happen.
i think it's weird that part of me is completely free and creative.
the other part of me is completely analytical, logical. almost anal. it's scary, really.
it seems a completely and totally weird combination.
i am always conflicted.
saw a boat in the river today.
actually turned my car around and parked in a very bad spot (almost got run over) just so i could take a photo with my iPhone.
it was instant inspiration.
it will be my next painting.
i haven't painted from a photograph in a long time.
it was weird, though, how i immediately turned my car around and went back.
i would bet i like the outcome of the painting.
it's the first time i've felt anything close to inspiration, well, since james died.

smells i love.

the smell of paint.
there is nothing like it.
coffee brewing.
bread baking.
bacon cooking.
rain.
my children after a shower.
before a shower?? not so much.
the ocean.
the smell of familiarity.
yes. there IS such a thing.
the way a man smells.
ties in to the familiarity thing.
his own distinct smell.
remnants of him on his clothes.
on you.
i notice time and time again how good it smells here.
i never ever want to take that for granted.
finished this painting today.
when i get my shit together, i will again open my etsy shop.
until then i will paint.
push myself.
remain focused.
i actually like this painting.
full of texture.
it is very me.
very my style.
this painting, and 3 boats will be among the pieces that go into my shop.
WHEN i'm ready.
not quite there yet.
who knows how long it will be.
but i am trying.
trying hard to get my shit together.
i am excited to see improvement in my work.
very excited.
may work on some smaller pieces (for variety) next.
if i can get closer to my groove.....
closer to really really really wanting to paint.
instead of still having to force myself.....
that would be really nice.

humans as conduits for extraordinary things.

iPhone photo of a painting i finished over the weekend.
inspired by my 'blue dot' painting.
which therapist dude purchased from me.
my paintings always are inspired by color.

i believe i have clear vision.

with respect to my art, anyway.

definitely not with respect to the rest of my trainwreck of a life.

it wasn't always that way.

it's hard to stand up for yourself.

for what you create.

you have to be strong in who you are.

i am growing as an artist.

evolving.

i look at some of my earlier paintings and some of my newest work.

i see improvement.

i am growing.

find out what you are TRULY capable of.

stay true to who you are.

i posted a side view of 3 boats a week or so ago.

here's a front on view.

i personally love this piece.

when you look at it from different angles, it changes.

it must be viewed from a distance.

it must be viewed with the right light.

in order to catch all the nuance.

this is the first painting i did after moving into the house.

the second one i did is posted above.

a third is currently on my easel.

trying.

my boys have new-found freedom.
they couldn't be happier about that.
playing outside (without me hovering over them).
never could have happened where we lived before.
going over to a friend's house.
and walking there, by themselves.
it's only one street over.
but that, also, would never have happened where we lived before.
one of my favorite things is listening to the rain.
how convenient i live in a place where it rains 68 inches a year.
almost a year and six months after james died.
my life is still extremely up and down.
but i do appreciate every good thing.
i still feel things deeply. strongly.
that can be good and bad.
but i wouldn't want to change it.
the good times that come my way?
i want to soak every single one of them up.
enjoy every single second while it is happening.
and not feel guilty for it.
i do feel a longing for something more in my life.
goes along with feeling things deeply.
not sure i am ready for it.
taking it as it comes.
i absolutely cannot think about the future.
i can focus on today. whatever it brings. happiness....happiness and sadness at the same time.
because yes. it IS possible to cry happy AND sad tears at the same time.
sometimes i feel overly bombarded by my own emotions.
that they are all coming at me too hard and fast.
it sort of shuts me down.
and then, eventually, i process....
it's all fucking exhausting that is for sure.
some things going on in my life that i have not blogged about.
and probably never will.
therapist dude once said to me, 'paint your emotions.'
i kept trying to explain to him that's not how it works.
i kept fighting him on that. but...but...no. LISTEN to me.
and then when i painted blue dot it occurred to me.
mother fucker! he was right.
i don't 'purposely' paint my emotions.
but when a painting is done there IS emotion behind it.
there is rawness.
i will be true to myself as an artist.
i will paint paintings that *I* like.
eventually, when i open my etsy shop again, and try to sell art locally....
my art will either sell.
or it won't.
but no matter what, i will be true to *me*.
not with the intent that 'oh, THIS one will sell for sure.'
because that's not how i roll.
i am again ramping myself up.
trying hard to get back into the groove of painting.
and having it flow easily.
i will tell you......james' death? seriously fucking jacked me up. duh.
it's been like nothing i have ever experienced before.
and honestly, unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what it is truly like.
sadness. isolation. the amount of loneliness....never experienced anything like it.
but i don't intend to live my whole life this way.
i will always love james.
but i will also continue to live my life.
to raise our boys.
and eventually, hope to do so with as much passion and zest as i did before he died.

here's the thing that irritates me.

heh.
like there's only one thing.
i'm getting pissed off at myself.
for wasting time.
not painting when i have the time.
i.e., when the boys are both in school.
i actually have two and a half hours.
instead of painting i seem to find other 'important' things to do.
really??
so what is it.
what is it that is stopping me from WANTING to paint.
from ACTUALLY doing it.
fuck i need to get my shit together.
in some sort of seriously angry mood.
oh.
wait.
i know.
it's day 3 on weight watchers.
I. NEED. SUGAR. and CANDY BARS. and COKE. in huge amounts. *sigh*
hope the craving goes away.
eventually.

here's what i know.

i'm back on weight watchers.
it sucks.
but it's something i have to do.
made another call today looking for a new therapist.
the creative part of me is still alive, and in there.
but i don't feel fresh, full of great new ideas/inspiration.
that burning desire isn't there.
it's more of a smoldering desire now.
and that just fucking sucks.
what i feel is total and complete exhaustion.
so why my body doesn't just collapse i really never will know.
why do i continue to wake up a hundred million times a night.
why do i wake up feeling as exhausted as when i went to bed?
except for the other night.
the other night....
i fell asleep.
slept for about an hour.
had circumstances been right, i am pretty sure i could have slept all night.
course, circumstances weren't right.
but that hour i slept??
i felt better after that hour than after a 'normal' night of what i 'call' sleep.
so what was it?
why did i so easily fall asleep.
i have been trying for three days (since the night it happened) to figure out exactly what it is i felt.
*insert lightbulb moment here*
safe.
i think that's it.
i felt safe.
and protected.
god that has been bugging the shit out of me.
and now i've figured it out.
whatever it means, or doesn't mean, the other night i felt safe. and protected.

the other night.

something happened to me the other night.
a realization.
well, that's not actually totally correct.
i have known this for a while.
just wasn't willing to own it.
or do anything about it.
but now i am just fucking taking it head on.
because that's what needs to be done.
cut the shit.
own it.
if there's somethng you don't like and have the capability to fix, fix it.
man up.
and so it begins. right now.
but fucking-a is it going to suck.
but whatev.
it's gotta be done.
so that's what's happening.
small steps.
a day at a time.
then a week will have gone by.
things have GOT to change.
i can do this. for one week.
then i'll reassess.
figure out what i need to do.
another week?
one day at a frigging time because that is all i can handle.
i have to start somewhere.

redefining.

this is one small corner of my studio. on my easel is an abstract impressionist piece in progress (three boats in water). it's been an interesting piece to create. this is the painting i started about a week ago and was having trouble with. you know, the one i decided was very important to me to finish. as with all of my paintings, one small change can make me love the entire piece. one small change can make the entire thing come together. it is meant to be viewed from a distance which really does impact how you 'see' this particular painting.

this piece is full of thick texture, lots and lots of paint. layer over layer. broad brushstrokes. i see the impact of my love for monet, matisse and gauguin (especially during 1889 when his pieces were full of line, rhythm and bright color) here. definitely shows through. no, i'm not comparing my painting to any of those great artists. i just know they have had an impact on how i paint. how i view things. what i see when i create.

the photo really does not do this painting justice. it's chunky. vibrant. abstract and imperfect. and that is exactly how i want it to be.

the last few days.

the insomnia thing.....sometimes it kicks my ass.
it's not that i never sleep. i do.
i sleep for a couple of hours.
but then i wake up.
and can't go back to sleep.
or i don't fall asleep until really late.
and when i fall asleep really late (3am or later) my body likes to fuck with me. it wakes me up at 5am. or 6am.
i do get breaks from the kick ass insomnia.
i have yet to figure out what makes it come and what makes it go.
i have dealt with insomnia for a long time. since i got pregnant with ethan. he will be 9 next month.
of course after james died it intensified. seriously.
when we first moved into the new house i slept great for the first four or five nights. it was awesome!!
but now the insomnia is back.
i have felt myself going slightly deeper into depression.
have every intention of finding a therapist.
just haven't made myself do it yet. i will.
i sometimes feel very isolated.
sometimes i feel very connected to people.
not many people, i don't know many people here yet.
well, i know a few people, but only a couple do i know fairly well.
but the last few days...it's been the isolation thing.
i do like to spend time by myself. lots of it actually.
but. from time to time...i find myself needing to be with other people.
and not just the casual convo you get from going to the store, or briefly talking to the dude who is fixing the scrapes in your alcohol stained concrete floor.
crying for absolutely no reason the last two days.
seriously??
you have got to be kidding me.
drove to the coffee shack this morning after i took the boys to school.
started crying, sitting in line, waiting to order my coffee. WTF.
i know lack of sleep is part of it.
the isolation thing is too.
i just stretched some canvas.
getting ready to slap some gesso down.
working on two paintings.
one of them is difficult. half of it i really love.
the other half? not so much so.....i wiped it. going to finish this painting. it has somehow become important to me to finish THIS one painting. no clue why. therapist dude could probably tell me.
sucks he's not licensed in oregon.
i think part of my problem right now is my style is changing.
it's still me. but i think i might be going more abstract impressionism.
at least with a few pieces.
and i'm having a hard time deciding if i love it or hate it. fine line.
trying my best to give the boys what they need.
to be present for them.
i wake the boys up each morning to get them ready for school.
this morning E woke up happy. and let me tell you. that NEVER happens. it was a nice change.
listening to DMB. always. can't get enough.
fuck the unpacking for a while.
trying to find my groove with paint again.
trying to just let it be.
not force it.
and see what happens.
dumping the crap. getting it out of my head.
trying to be clear (don't laugh).
i am strong in who i am.
and i am down with it.
that is how i want to be.
couldn't change it even if i wanted to.
it's just how i am.
and i know i am strong enough to get through the crap.
i've already done so much of that.
my life is so so so much better now than it was after james first died.
i have made so many changes. good changes.
acknowledging it all.
gettin through the shit, finding my way out.
i keep my emotions to myself. i mean, if you saw me today, you would have no idea what was running through my head.
i rarely let people see me in an emotional state. i prefer it that way.
a friend of mine, (BETHANY!!) told me to stop doing that. she said to stop being so independent and so i-don't-need-anyone-else. lol... i love bethany. cuts through the crap. my kinda girl.
holy crap. long post. i now have one hour to paint. then it's time to get alexander at the bus stop.

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sometimes, when i see a couple enjoying each others' company.....you can see they really care about each other.....that they want to spend time with each other......it makes me cry. it makes me sad. it's like a floodgate of sadness comes rushing out. i can't stop it. it pisses me off because i would never begrudge other peoples' happiness. and i want that shit to stop happening.

i love being in our new house.

got a call out of the blue a couple days ago from a friend. someone who was a huge part of my childhood but we drifted apart in high school. it's interesting to get to know her again.

getting little pieces of happiness here and there. scares the crap out of me. i'm afraid it's going to open up more of me, the part that's been so sad, hurt....scared...since james died. i'm not sure i'm ready for that. but at the same time, i'm not sure i can live without that happening. confusing shit.

trying so hard to get my shit together and WANT to paint. i mean, i 'want' to....i just seem to have to force myself to start. didn't used to have to do that. i need to get it going. i have the opportunity right now to do this and i shouldn't waste it. that would be stupid.

wish i could remember how i motivated myself when i was first on weight watchers. cuz i can't fucking motivate right now to save my fucking life. and that, too, is pissing me off.

things i love.

that james' last tweet was about me.
and it's funny.
that even if crappy things are happening to me, i can look out my window when i'm driving and smile.
because i love it here.
that i have managed (with a small bit of help along the way)...but mostly by myself....to have a house built for us.
that i can handle the shit that happens.
so far anyway.
and by the shit that happens i mean getting hit by a 110 year old woman.
it felt odd, i gotta say though....not calling james.
that is still my first instinct.
he made everything better.
he wouldn't have given a crap about the car, only that i was okay.
that the decisions i have made about the house (in a completely disjointed fashion)....because certain decisions had to be made at certain times....when i didn't have necessarily all the info i needed to be making a decision.....have all turned out well. things actually go together. not sure how it happened but it did.
that i am beginning to feel the desire to paint.
and art journal.
and even scrap again.
i am hoping, once we are moved, and i actually have a studio that i really WILL do these things.
that i won't feel the pressure.
that it will just flow.
because i know i don't have to be perfect....that art is what it is.
it just happens for me.
i want to play.
be free.
do whatever.
the more you do something the more you grow.
i need to immerse myself.
to lose myself.
called my first therapist in astoria today.
beginning the process.
so i don't go insane.
because sometimes it feels like that is happening.
especially with going through things again.
packing again.
making sure i'm on top of all the house stuff.
that things ARE getting done.
because i want in my house.
and out of the rental.
with the scary basement.
i WANT to be settled.
to finally know what it will feel like to be here, in our own house.