Monday, March 29, 2010

here's what i know.

i'm back on weight watchers.
it sucks.
but it's something i have to do.
made another call today looking for a new therapist.
the creative part of me is still alive, and in there.
but i don't feel fresh, full of great new ideas/inspiration.
that burning desire isn't there.
it's more of a smoldering desire now.
and that just fucking sucks.
what i feel is total and complete exhaustion.
so why my body doesn't just collapse i really never will know.
why do i continue to wake up a hundred million times a night.
why do i wake up feeling as exhausted as when i went to bed?
except for the other night.
the other night....
i fell asleep.
slept for about an hour.
had circumstances been right, i am pretty sure i could have slept all night.
course, circumstances weren't right.
but that hour i slept??
i felt better after that hour than after a 'normal' night of what i 'call' sleep.
so what was it?
why did i so easily fall asleep.
i have been trying for three days (since the night it happened) to figure out exactly what it is i felt.
*insert lightbulb moment here*
i think that's it.
i felt safe.
and protected.
god that has been bugging the shit out of me.
and now i've figured it out.
whatever it means, or doesn't mean, the other night i felt safe. and protected.

1 comment:

QuirkyGirl said...

As I was reading this I thought "She felt safe" then you said it. I knew this, of course, because DUDE! We are such kindred spirits. The whole month I was dating Brandon I slept like I hadn't slept in years. And he wasn't even there! Just the thought of him...knowing he existed...talking to him...made me sleep. I'm back to not sleeping again, but he called me late on night last week. After we hung up I went right to bed and slept for hours. What kind of madness is THAT!? But I get it, Momma. I hope you figure out soon what it was that made you feel safe again. That way you can hold on to it.