i'm back on weight watchers.
but it's something i have to do.
made another call today looking for a new therapist.
the creative part of me is still alive, and in there.
but i don't feel fresh, full of great new ideas/inspiration.
that burning desire isn't there.
it's more of a smoldering desire now.
and that just fucking sucks.
what i feel is total and complete exhaustion.
so why my body doesn't just collapse i really never will know.
why do i continue to wake up a hundred million times a night.
why do i wake up feeling as exhausted as when i went to bed?
except for the other night.
the other night....
i fell asleep.
slept for about an hour.
had circumstances been right, i am pretty sure i could have slept all night.
course, circumstances weren't right.
but that hour i slept??
i felt better after that hour than after a 'normal' night of what i 'call' sleep.
so what was it?
why did i so easily fall asleep.
i have been trying for three days (since the night it happened) to figure out exactly what it is i felt.
*insert lightbulb moment here*
i think that's it.
i felt safe.
god that has been bugging the shit out of me.
and now i've figured it out.
whatever it means, or doesn't mean, the other night i felt safe. and protected.