i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.