Wednesday, April 14, 2010

this post really isn't about him.

i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and open.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
think later.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
it's pointless.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.


Mary said...

Hello Kimberly,
I got your message. You have really said most of how I feel. I am just not good with words. I do hide, I run, and I run,..... I have dated also It really SUCKS especially when you have lost forever. I have not found anyone who understands, because most people have gotten a divorce and even if they were not willing participants they still know the other person is ALIVE... They do not get the idea of loss when you are still in LOVE they can't.
I miss my husband more now then I did in the beginning... I lived in shock for a long time and now I think I am at the reality stage...I am ANGRY... I am lonely a lot... I go to bed alone and I wake up alone... BUT at least I have learned what I want and where the red flags are... some of them anyways.
You are lucky you can express yourself in words. I am not a good writer so I do it in pictures. I see my life through a lens, I always have a camera big or small depends on what I am doing. I try and stay busy because I can "think" myself into some pretty dark places. I hope I make sense. I do understand how F@#*cK@d up it can get on a daily basis. OH so many " I's " and kids are a whole other post for sure, after all they lost BIG too.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I just wanted to tell you that I so admire your ability to write about your feelings so honestly .... and putting it all out there for all to read... I don't know how you do that so easily (I also don't know why I can't). You amaze me and you also inspire me to be there in the moment especially when it comes to my husband. He was driving me crazy the other day and all I could think of was you and what you wouldn't give to have your husband there bugging you ... and you know what, that really made me appreciate everything ... him, us, our family, the way he smells, even him bugging me. It was a explosion of appreciation. Thank you. Truly, you make me want to be a better person! You are AMAZING!!!!

QuirkyGirl said...

There you are. In every word of this post. What I love most is your raw honesty and I can sense it in your writing when you're holding back. Is that cuz I've been reading you for a while now or because we are kindred in so many ways?

I'm proud of you, Momma. Making decision based on what was right for you. Seeing that it was really more about him than it was you and the boys. Those are hard things that I've often misread and screwed up.

You're growing all the time. I can see it more and more with each post. Keep on Keepin' On, Momma.

SaraReno said...

It's sad that so many people have it set it their minds when you should do this, or do that. It's not their life, it's not their experience, it's not them. When you are ready to do x or y in your life now can only really be decided by you. Life goes on eventually and when it's time for each step I hope people can either just let you do it or that they can suck it and that in the meantime they won't be telling you to hurry up.


Leah said...

I am dreaming of beaches...and frothy beverages...if you can deliver...I am making reservations!
I love you mucho...but you already know that!