Friday, March 19, 2010

the last few days.

the insomnia thing.....sometimes it kicks my ass.
it's not that i never sleep. i do.
i sleep for a couple of hours.
but then i wake up.
and can't go back to sleep.
or i don't fall asleep until really late.
and when i fall asleep really late (3am or later) my body likes to fuck with me. it wakes me up at 5am. or 6am.
i do get breaks from the kick ass insomnia.
i have yet to figure out what makes it come and what makes it go.
i have dealt with insomnia for a long time. since i got pregnant with ethan. he will be 9 next month.
of course after james died it intensified. seriously.
when we first moved into the new house i slept great for the first four or five nights. it was awesome!!
but now the insomnia is back.
i have felt myself going slightly deeper into depression.
have every intention of finding a therapist.
just haven't made myself do it yet. i will.
i sometimes feel very isolated.
sometimes i feel very connected to people.
not many people, i don't know many people here yet.
well, i know a few people, but only a couple do i know fairly well.
but the last few's been the isolation thing.
i do like to spend time by myself. lots of it actually.
but. from time to time...i find myself needing to be with other people.
and not just the casual convo you get from going to the store, or briefly talking to the dude who is fixing the scrapes in your alcohol stained concrete floor.
crying for absolutely no reason the last two days.
you have got to be kidding me.
drove to the coffee shack this morning after i took the boys to school.
started crying, sitting in line, waiting to order my coffee. WTF.
i know lack of sleep is part of it.
the isolation thing is too.
i just stretched some canvas.
getting ready to slap some gesso down.
working on two paintings.
one of them is difficult. half of it i really love.
the other half? not so much so.....i wiped it. going to finish this painting. it has somehow become important to me to finish THIS one painting. no clue why. therapist dude could probably tell me.
sucks he's not licensed in oregon.
i think part of my problem right now is my style is changing.
it's still me. but i think i might be going more abstract impressionism.
at least with a few pieces.
and i'm having a hard time deciding if i love it or hate it. fine line.
trying my best to give the boys what they need.
to be present for them.
i wake the boys up each morning to get them ready for school.
this morning E woke up happy. and let me tell you. that NEVER happens. it was a nice change.
listening to DMB. always. can't get enough.
fuck the unpacking for a while.
trying to find my groove with paint again.
trying to just let it be.
not force it.
and see what happens.
dumping the crap. getting it out of my head.
trying to be clear (don't laugh).
i am strong in who i am.
and i am down with it.
that is how i want to be.
couldn't change it even if i wanted to.
it's just how i am.
and i know i am strong enough to get through the crap.
i've already done so much of that.
my life is so so so much better now than it was after james first died.
i have made so many changes. good changes.
acknowledging it all.
gettin through the shit, finding my way out.
i keep my emotions to myself. i mean, if you saw me today, you would have no idea what was running through my head.
i rarely let people see me in an emotional state. i prefer it that way.
a friend of mine, (BETHANY!!) told me to stop doing that. she said to stop being so independent and so i-don't-need-anyone-else. lol... i love bethany. cuts through the crap. my kinda girl.
holy crap. long post. i now have one hour to paint. then it's time to get alexander at the bus stop.

1 comment:

Ingrid said...

though i don't know just the words to say, or any way to share what i want to express, i do want you to know that i am still reading, still keeping you and your boys in my heart, still thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

i'm glad that you're doing as well as you are, and i hope that tomorrow and the next day and next month and next year things will be better than you ever could have imagined.

lots of love!