Monday, March 15, 2010


sometimes, when i see a couple enjoying each others' can see they really care about each other.....that they want to spend time with each makes me cry. it makes me sad. it's like a floodgate of sadness comes rushing out. i can't stop it. it pisses me off because i would never begrudge other peoples' happiness. and i want that shit to stop happening.

i love being in our new house.

got a call out of the blue a couple days ago from a friend. someone who was a huge part of my childhood but we drifted apart in high school. it's interesting to get to know her again.

getting little pieces of happiness here and there. scares the crap out of me. i'm afraid it's going to open up more of me, the part that's been so sad, hurt....scared...since james died. i'm not sure i'm ready for that. but at the same time, i'm not sure i can live without that happening. confusing shit.

trying so hard to get my shit together and WANT to paint. i mean, i 'want' to....i just seem to have to force myself to start. didn't used to have to do that. i need to get it going. i have the opportunity right now to do this and i shouldn't waste it. that would be stupid.

wish i could remember how i motivated myself when i was first on weight watchers. cuz i can't fucking motivate right now to save my fucking life. and that, too, is pissing me off.


QuirkyGirl said...

It makes me happy when I see you've posted. From one girl who lived behind walls for years and years to one who is there'll knock down the walls little by little until you're ready to come out for good. No one says it has to be today...or tomorrow for that matter. Each experience is just learning who you are now. Life is journey, love, not a destination. I'm excited that you WANT to paint again. Such a long way, Momma, since I 'met' you a year ago. When you do it would you do me a favor? Take a pic of your paint splattered hands and post it for me. I do love the look of an artists hands when paint is colored all over them.

SaraReno said...

Remembering where the motivation came from before is hard. If you figure it out I could use the reminder myself.

It's good to hear that you want to paint again. Soon the urge will start to return as well and you won't be able to stop it. :)