sometimes, when i see a couple enjoying each others' company.....you can see they really care about each other.....that they want to spend time with each other......it makes me cry. it makes me sad. it's like a floodgate of sadness comes rushing out. i can't stop it. it pisses me off because i would never begrudge other peoples' happiness. and i want that shit to stop happening.
i love being in our new house.
got a call out of the blue a couple days ago from a friend. someone who was a huge part of my childhood but we drifted apart in high school. it's interesting to get to know her again.
getting little pieces of happiness here and there. scares the crap out of me. i'm afraid it's going to open up more of me, the part that's been so sad, hurt....scared...since james died. i'm not sure i'm ready for that. but at the same time, i'm not sure i can live without that happening. confusing shit.
trying so hard to get my shit together and WANT to paint. i mean, i 'want' to....i just seem to have to force myself to start. didn't used to have to do that. i need to get it going. i have the opportunity right now to do this and i shouldn't waste it. that would be stupid.
wish i could remember how i motivated myself when i was first on weight watchers. cuz i can't fucking motivate right now to save my fucking life. and that, too, is pissing me off.