four months.

searching for that softer side that goes away all too often.
trying to remember to bring that out.
to let go of what restrains me from being that person.
a break from the boys was much needed.
a trip to boston helped me see myself from a different perspective.
that was much needed as well.
i know it's been four months since i posted.
i've come here, and written.
but then either deleted or saved and never posted.
i was tired of hearing what i had to say.
it was always the same and never what i thought it *should* be.
i am, by far, my harshest critic.
getting ready for an art show this weekend.
wrestling with that and all that goes with it.
am i good enough, etc.
time will tell.

while in boston i ran the freedom run (a 5k).
not a hard core run, but a run just the same.
i almost didn't do it.
but am glad i did.
i would have been angry at myself for backing out.
this photo was taken after the run, after the ferry ride back, inside the hotel while waiting for the elevator.
what. you expected me to take the stairs? i had just run. ;-) unedited and taken with my iPhone.

small steps.

in this house....
there is love
and passion
we make mistakes
and learn from them
we live with gentle
souls
we try hard
we laugh
we figure things out
we are family
we are forever
connected
and we welcome you to our
home.

a little sign i made a few days ago for the small covered front porch you come through as you enter my house. made with architectural salvaged wood. i gave it a color wash and then painted on the words. i haven't decided if i'll leave it here, sitting on top of the bench, or, hang it from the wall somewhere in the porch.

i found the bench at the same architectural salvage place. it was perfect for the space. the boys can sit on it while taking their shoes on and off. since it rains so much here, they aren't allowed to wear their shoes in the house. so this is perfect.

above the sign (attached to the wall) there is a glass bottle with a wired flower on the top. my plan is to have a few of these and when i do i will fill them all with fresh flowers.

next up? a rug. a cool, funky rug to sit outside the front door. there will also be flower pots. i have a vision of how i want it to be, and am slowly......VERY slowly....making some changes.

another art journal page.

washed out.
bummer.
not sure i'm in love with my scanner.
it does not do well with this color (or kraft for that matter).
this is one of my all time absolute favorite photos of james.
i took it.
in february of 2008.
8 months before he died.
i remember this night vividly.
because it was snowing like a mo fo.
james had gotten home from work late (about 8pm) and then shoveled the driveway.
then said to me, "kimberly, lets go sledding."
so we did.
we left the boys in the house and went down the hill across the street.
i made james go first.
you know, in case it was a bad, bad idea.
that hill was steep.
with big rocks at the bottom.
kind of funny.
anyway, we had a freaking blast sledding.
me in my pj's.
classy, i know. but i had already put my pj's on. so i went with it.
there is no beauty without pain pretty much sums up a lot of how i feel about james' death.
if i didn't love him as crazily, as intensely as i did, i wouldn't be as sad as i have been. as i still am.
there was much beauty in our lives together.
only fitting, i suppose, now that he is gone, that the other side of that is pain.
this is the first art journal page i have done about james' death.
wasn't planning on doing it.
it just sort of happened last night.
inbetween letting a couple of pieces i am working on, dry.
it's so completely simple.
some paint. masking tape. james. my words.
and that's how i wanted it.
course when i came across this photo i had a complete breakdown.
one of those wrenching why did this happen kind of breakdowns.
the i miss you so much i can't breath kind.
the kind i had when i first came to astoria (to look at houses)....
when i walked around on the beach in the same mother fucking circle for two hours, crying, thinking....just generally being angry and sad that james had died.
those two instances stand out to me.
the one on the beach and the one last night.
they were turning points.
for what i am not sure.
but i felt differently after the first one on the beach.
and i feel differently today.

an art journal page.

i haven't worked in my art journal in months.
MONTHS.
close to a year.
maybe it even HAS been a year.
it was slow.
which is fine.
i was thinking.
it is important to me that my art journal pages be accurate.
true.
that they reflect what i was feeling in a given moment.
even though it's not always pretty.
journaling:
i have a strong sense of who i am. i am confident in and comfortable with who i am. there have been, however, two events that have caused me to question and re-evaluate myself. becoming a mother. and james' death. being a mom is something i struggle with. not all aspects of it. mostly the amount of energy and focus it takes. james' death shook me to my core. it took everything i knew to be true, away. but i know this. the core of who i am remains true. i will not be defined by outside forces. i am who *I* choose to be.

things that have been on my mind.

in my studio 1.12.11.
painting i am working on behind me.

alexander.
he's been having trouble at school.
the loss of his father affects him on a daily basis.
had a meeting today with zan's teacher and the school counselor.

as soon as i feel like we're able to put some of the shit behind us, begin to have a life NOT all about james' death, something seems to happen to bring it front and center again. when will this stop.

i have not been able to find the balance between helping the boys remember their father while at the same time i try to let him go. he is not my present. alexander has been sad, because he is beginning to forget things about james. i try to tell them stories, show them pictures...to help them remember. and to learn things they didn't even know to begin with. but this is hard for me. i am ready to let this be my past. i NEED it to be so i can live in the present.

the loss of my friendship with jan. who knew that my moving away would end what i *thought* was an important relationship. nothing i can do about it but let it go. i'm just having trouble doing that.

the amount of time and energy it takes to be a GOOD parent. i am fucking exhausted.

there is a *thing*. it has become important in my life. how this happened i'm not even sure. but it has. i think i have been doing everything i can to NOT acknowledge it. but something happened this weekend that forced me to. i am not unhappy about it. just wasn't expecting it. it was the sort of realization that came with a sharp intake of breath, the holding of that breath and finally, exhaling that breath out. and saying something to the effect of "holy fucking shit." if i would just listen to myself, from the beginning, instead of fighting myself.....things would be a whole lot easier. i guess i just wasn't ready.

i think for me, the thing that most drains me is the constant 24/7 of being a parent. a single parent. i think that is the thing that has been the hardest for me since james died. that and, of course, watching the boys deal with their sadness. nothing makes you feel worse than when your child is hurt in some way and you can do nothing to fix it.

judgment. so much judgment. which leaves me feeling isolated. i talk to few. and those that i talk to, well, lets just say i am very selective about what i say. i keep many things to myself. which is the exact thing i have told alexander over and over NOT to do. i sometimes wish i didn't have to do this.

my lack of focus. fear of fucking up my art. i just really really really want that completely, wholly alive feeling to come back while i paint. i miss it.

hipsta app. again.

hipsta app photo taken by E.
taken a couple of days ago.
i'm holding a note that says:
will i feel normal again. ever?
i mean what i say.
i say what i mean.
there is no i'm saying 'this' but really mean 'this'.
in the moment it just is what it is.
that is a good thing.
don't get wrapped up in what it means later.
just let it be in that moment, whatever it is.
i am angry at myself.
for putting myself out there.
in what i feel was a blatant way.
i should have just kept it in.
the thing i am most angry about right now?
what was taken from me when james died.
aside from the obvious, james...himself.
and that my boys lost their father.
that fills me with such sadness.
james had SO much to show them.
give them.
teach them.
so much love for them.
i have lost my love for many things.
my passion.
sometimes i hear the boys bickering.
and it is all i can do not to curl up in a ball and scream.

magic.

watching someone work their craft...whatever it might be....is pure magic.
i sometimes watch people and wonder what it is they see.
you know, inside their head.
i wonder if things, life....everything....looks different to them.
do they interpret life differently than the rest of us?
how do they make it happen.
i sometimes wonder this about myself.
i finish a painting and for the life of me, can't recall how i did it.
it just, sort of....happens.
living in a sleepy coastal town?
THE best.
watching the fog lift, as you drive....or walk.....
take in the beauty.
an unexpected beautiful, sunny day?
appreciate every little bit of it.
i am once again reminded how fragile life is.
how easily it can slip away.
how easily, and quickly, bad things can happen.
tonight i am content to sit, by the light of the christmas trees, tucked safely inside my home.
i am also, once again, reminded of what really matters.
someone to share your life with.
all the LITTLE things.
the warmth of another human against you.
well, not just any human.
but one you care about.
strong arms around you.
needing to get back to that place where i can shut out the world.
and hopefully in the process, paint something that conveys passion. intensity. rawness. and beauty.
always beauty.

7 things about alexander. because he's turning 7.

november 18th is alexander's birthday.
7 years ago today i went into labor.
i've been wishing james was here all day (as i do everyday) so we could talk about the day before zan was born when i went into the hospital and the day after, when he was actually born.
i made this birthday banner today.
i put it up so that when zan gets up in the morning he will see it.
it's the first crafty thing i have done in forever.

because he is turning 7, i'm doing 7 things about alexander:

1) i call him zan. only family and very close friends are allowed to call him that.

2) at school so far he has gone by alexander. he is deciding, however, whether he wants to change that to xander.

3) that kid has a wicked adorable evil little laugh!

4) he misses his dad and talks about him often. last night he said, "am i a miniature version of dad?" my answer? yes. you absolutely are.

5) he loves swords (of the nerf variety of course) and is obsessed with playing his DSI.

6) 90% of the time he is mellow. very, very mellow. the other 10%? watch the fuck out. the other 10% is when he is pissed off. and it ain't pretty. takes a lot to get him to that point, but when it happens....it's all out.

7) the kid has a unique sense of style. he doesn't care if his clothes match. he loves his 'eskimo' hat and wears it often. he digs having long hair and stands up for himself when people in the store, or other various places, mistake him for a girl. he sternly tells them (and it cracks me up when he does it), "i'm a boy!!!!" picture him glaring at you while he says it with his adorable little boy face.

i should do more than 7 things about alexander.

7 just isn't enough.

i should mention how he loves broccoli and brussel sprouts.

he likes sour candy more than chocolate (definitely gets that from james)!

he loves, like loves loves loves to make (author and illustrate) comic books.

and then sell them to me.

sometimes he seems so much older than he is.

but then when i tuck him in, and he HAS to have blue blankie and gallobs (a stuffed puppy HE named), i remember that he's still little. very, very little.

happy birthday alexander harrison danger reed.

i love you.

disconnected.

feeling very disconnected.
the silence is deafening.
and there is no ice cream.
anyone who gets my sense of humor will find that entertaining.
took this photo on sunday with my iPhone.
more hipsta shots.
really lovin 'em.
this is where i live.
and i gotta say, it's beautiful here.
missing feeling connected TO someone.
i'm definitely strong enough to stand on my own.
but it's nice, knowing that you don't have to.
IF you don't want to.

who wants it more.

i want this.
and have been taking small steps.
but i am not letting this happen.
and i am not sure why.
i need to clear my mind.
to be quiet.
so i can hear myself think.
from the inside.
to be mindful.
i need to make things happen.
i need to clear what is trapped in my brain.
start fresh.
a clean palatte.
no one is going to do this for me.
no one is going to do this but me.
it will be ALL me.
it will come from inside.
the true beauty of what is within you.
leaving you raw.
and open.
yet only you know the true emotion/story/intention behind each painting.
a need so strong, so powerful, nothing can stop it.
eventually.
maybe...some day...i can get back to that.
i want it.
what they see....it's different for each person....
it will speak to them.
it will move them.
the color.
the subject.
contrast.
rawness.
the power.
i feel it inside me.
gnawing at me.
begging me to do this.
to find a way to let it out.
find a way to tap in to that magic zone.
that place where you go.
where everything else fades away.
but your focus is clear.
sharp.
you can go. and go. paint for hours.
people could be watching you and you wouldn't notice.
or care.
because you are tapped in.
i NEED that.
so why am i not letting it happen.

hipsta app. cool shit.

hipsta print taken with my iPhone.
in my studio.
november 1, 2010.
if something feels right, how can you be scared of it.
SHOULD you be scared of it.
it seems to fit.
yet it shouldn't.
how can it possibly???
it mystifies you.
how did this happen.
i do nothing but question it. in its absence.
but when it is present, all else is forgotten.
things just feel right.
i am afraid.
the simple things in life ARE the best things.
i know this.
i really really do.
someone's arms around you in comfort or passion....
a gentle kiss.
the caress of someone ever so gently brushing your skin.
touching your hand.
rubbing your back....
quiet time with no conversation.
times of rapid conversation where you are engaged.
and before you know it 3 hours have passed.
sharing your passions.
knowing that there is someone there.
for YOU.
a sense of peace.
a deep breath.
when it goes away it comes crashing down hard around you.
that IS what matters.
these are the things i miss.

cut the crap.

i like doing weird things to photos.
i think it makes them more interesting.
i also think it's a way for me to hide.
you can only see me in the way *I* want you to.
you get to see the manipulated photo.
not the original untouched version.
something is happening to me.
and it's scaring the crap out of me.
written word is easier for me.
i'm not that great at face to face 'real' talking.
you know, the kind filled with emotion.
the difficult kind.
but gimme a computer and i can whip up an email that is straight to the point.
direct.
i say few words.
but the words i choose say a lot.
i personally think that's powerful.
SO much easier when i'm not face to face with someone.
i'm saying this because when james first died, i said and did a lot of things that i otherwise would not have.
i decided to cut the crap.
that life is too short.
so now, i pretty much (even though sometimes it is excruciatingly paintul to ME)....
even so...i say what i think.
and i mean what i say.
but.
i am finding myself full of fear.
finding myself NOT able to fully act in the way that i want to.
because what i want to do requires opening myself up.
and i'm not sure i am ready for that.

took a little trip to seattle.

took a little trip to seattle.
in my short skirt.
knee high socks.
high boots.
and bad ass faux fir collar'd jacket.
it was damn nice.
did what *I* wanted to do.
wasn't a mom.
slept in.
enjoyed every second.
except for the part where i got a little bit drunk.
one night.
i sometimes wonder wtf comes over me.
should have made some small adjustments.
and then let the evening carry on.
but i didn't.
which i'm angry at myself about.
that is not like me.
i think i have a hard time reconciling who i am as just me.
vs. the person i always am, which is ethan and alexander's mother.
it's like i forget who i am...like i'm not sure who to be, exactly.
because i'm not used to NOT being with the boys.
when i get time away, i'm sort of feeling my way through it.
trying to remember who i am.
not doing a very good job.
went to pike place market.
it was awesome.
ate some fresh, hot doughnuts.
so good.
walked around and looked at everything.
ate some crab.
enjoyed the way it smelled.
enjoyed being able to look at what i wanted to see.
all the flowers were amazing.
SO beautiful.
bought THE ugliest bag i could find.
it's felted wool but looks like a big 70's shag rug.
it fucking rocks.
did the tourist thing.
and enjoyed it.
because i didn't have kids to keep track of.
and yell at.
this photo will somehow translate into a painting.
at some point.
the composition, colors...texture...
it will turn into something.
just not sure exactly what yet.
had a mini breakdown inside starbucks.
where i purchased myself a nice iced latte.
and stared out the window while thinking about the good things in my life.
i was scared.
and happy.
at the same time.
scared, because i was having a great weekend.
happy, because i was having a great weekend.
a little sad, too, i suppose because, well, i still get sad sometimes.
for no apparent reason.
one of the views from the top of the space needle.
come on.
it had to be done.
i was in seattle!
it was a good trip.
i still haven't quite learned how to completely let go of worrying about the boys when they aren't with me.
but i also really really didn't want the weekend to end.
because i loved having kid-free time.
i am always always always full of conflict.
it was nice to get home, and see the boys.
but damn. it was a fine weekend.
nice to be away.
and out doing something.
just being me.

i've gone brunette. er.

gave my iPhone to E today.
he took these as we were walking in to zan's school for his parent/teacher conf today.
first off, i've gone brunette(er).
darkened my color.
made it richer.
still not used to it.
also chopped it.
again.
i've had this nagging feeling ALL day.
finally figured out what it is.
first off, alexander was in a play at school today.
so i went.
it is THE shit that makes me saddest.
that james isn't here for these things.
because if he were alive, he would have been.
just reminds me, again, what is missing from the boys' lives.
that's how the morning started.
later in the day we went back to zan's school for his parent/teacher conference.
again, something james would have been present for.
so tonight, i sat, thinking.
feeling like something huge is missing from my life.
well, duh.
aside from the obvious, i realized i have no one to talk to about zan's conference.
james and i would have talked about it.
later.
after the boys were in bed.
just sort of mulled it over......
talked about zan's level in reading, how just like his father he is in this area, and any areas he might be struggling with.
zan's progress is really only something *I* care about.
zan is *MY* child.
it just makes me sad zan didn't have two parents watching him in the play.
two parents present for the parent/teacher conf.
i don't want the boys to grow up *wishing* things had been different.
i guess i can't stop that from happening.
they are always going to wish their father was still alive.
i just see the kids who have no parent show up.
and i am sure that hurts the child.
yes, zan has me.
but still....it's not what it would have been if james was still alive.
i am the only one to share in his triumphs.
or to worry about him in any way.
to be there to help him.
i just have had this feeling, more so today, than usual, that there is something hugely missing from my life.
i can only imagine how the boys feel.
they aren't capable of connecting their feelings to the proper words that go with them.
so we can talk about them.
they struggle silently.
at least i can write about it.
leave it here.
i happen to love the photo ethan took of me and zan. zan and me? too lazy.
it's classic alexander.
he's cute. adorable, actually.
and funny.
and mischevious. but in a good way. MOST of the time.
i wish more than anything that james was here to watch him grow up.
to see the changes in him.
they are huge.

finished.

finished. i think.
it has depth (not as in distance).
though it does have that too.
depth as in, there is a lot to it.
layers.
texture.
strength.
contrast (light and dark).
rich, deep colors.
you can't see it in the photo but the black has so much color to it.
red, yellow, white, purple.
i can't tell you how much better it looks in person.

alexander harrison danger reed.

one of my absolute all time favoriate photos of alexander.

sept 15, 2010

he was freshly out of the shower with his long locks hanging down.

love.

like seriously.

i love love love this kid.

and this photo.

this week hasn't been the best.

i am beyond exhausted.

forgetting things.

what i wouldn't pay for decent sleep.

for the asshole construction dude building the house across the street to not start working at 5am.

some things have been upsetting me this week.

things, it turns out, that i just needed to remind myself don't really matter.

what matters is what i have been through.

the crazy intense love james and i had for each other.

that i am doing what i need to for the boys.

and TRYING to do what i need for myself.

but sometimes i lose my way.

things become hard.

when they don't need to be.

so today i made the boys lay in bed with me.

and let them play their DSI's.

and i took a nap.

because if i didn't, it would have been a bad scene.

i am trying to get myself pumped back up.

so i can function at the level the boys need me to function at.

that *I* NEED to function at.

so instead of just talking about this shit, i can actually DO some of it.

written in a moment of extreme emotion.

i once told therapist dude i thought the only way i could ever get over james was to find someone else to be with.
that i wanted someone to fill that huge, giant void in my life.
not that any person would ever replace james.
because they couldn't.
therapist dude's response: you're never going to 'get over' james. you're always going to love him. and miss him. but you are going to find a way to live your life without him.
so sometimes i feel like i am living two seperate lives.
one where i am paralyzed by sadness and literally am sick to my stomach because i miss james so much.
and one where life feels...well....normal.
because i KNOW my life doesn't include james now.
i realize that.
everything james-related is in the past.
it's just that that is so sad.
sometimes, i see or hear something.
something that sends me back in time.
like in a stupid movie where someone is being shocked because their heart stopped.
and that person dies.
yes. i realize it's just a movie.
but i have ALWAYS been very affected by movies, television, music....
art....
i sometimes think i feel things so, hm, how to describe it.
it just feels like things are coming at me hard and fast.
but nothing has really changed.
except internally.
and it's all because some sad shit happened in a movie, or whatever, and then all the emotion that i spend all this time and energy keeping down inside all the sudden comes RUSHING to the top.
sometimes i see james' blank, staring eyes.
and picture his body jumping up off the OR table after the defibrilator was implanted because they had to stop his heart and test the device.
fucking harsh.
and horrible.
but that shit actually happened.
it's the thing i was most distraught over while waiting in the waiting room while james was in surgery.
i was there by myself.
standing up against a wall.
i was fine.
but then.....
i couldn't keep it together.
and started crying.
silently.
trying so hard not to be noticed.
when some stranger came up to me and asked me if i was okay.
and, "did i mind if they hugged me".
such a kind gesture.
and now i'm laughing because that person had no idea how much i hate strangers touching me. much less hugging me.
i'm ALL over someone i like, or love, touching me, or hugging me.
and i love to touch and hug other people.
IF i know them.
i just shook my head no, with an 'i'm so sorry i know you are trying to be kind look on my face' and backed away.
got it together.
sat on the floor of the waiting room.
listened to my iPod.
until dr. ass came out to talk to me.
he had absolutely NO regard for james, for me......
so clinical.
making sure to give me details about when they shocked james' heart with the defibrilator they had just implanted into his chest.
and THAT is one of the worst things that ever happened to james.
it changed our lives.
james did it because he wanted to make sure he would be here for his children.
isn't that funny? yeah, i know. not really. but really?!
the device did NOT save him.
and i will never forget dr. ass coming out to tell me about the surgery.
what a horrible man he was.
so uncaring.
but that's just my side.
i am sure he has his own story to tell.
though honestly, i'm not sure what it could possibly be that could help explain away his uncaring, unfeeling manner.
how james was just another patient.
not a real person.
man.
father.
my best friend.
there are times, many times, when i do not think about these things.
but so far....these images find their way back to me.
i know there will be a time when they are less frequent.
they aren't excessively frequent now.
but they're still there.
so this is me, dumping the shit.
the horrible images.
leaving them here.
so when i go back to 'real life' i am not thinking about these things.
so i can get on with my life.
paint some paintings.
raise our boys.
live in this quiet, small, coastal town.
and just be.

metamorphasis. very, very slow metamorphasis.

this, is now:


this.
not done. but finally made time to work on it again. i seem to spend 15 min here or 15 min there. i hate that kind of disjointed painting. but lately, it's all i seem capable of. layers and texture are important to me. of course composition and depth are just as important if not more so. this painting has changed drastically (and it may not look like it to you). but it has. i'm still not even sure how abstract this will end up being. it was going to be a bridge/pier kind of piece. then a boat in water. then just a water meets horizon line piece. broad. breath-taking, expansive. a painting (one of mine anyway) takes on several looks before it becomes just what i want it to be. but sometimes i don't even have control of how it ends up. it's like no matter how hard i try, the same style of painting comes out of me. and i haven't decided if that's good. or bad. it's, of course, extremely important to have 'your' own style. i'm just not sure i'm happy with exactly where mine is at. i want more control. to change things as i deem necessary instead of feeling daunted by the way the painting keeps turning out as if i have no control over it. when i do. hard to exlain. anywho, i have three different pieces going right now. this one, a black blue/green blue piece. and an offwhite green black piece. i love having other pieces to go to when something needs to dry or i just need to walk away from a certain piece for a while. i still have yet to find a day since the boys went back to school when i take them to school, go immediately home and start painting. it's been going to the beach for a run, helping out in the classroom, meetings with teachers, errands, and oh yeah, that pesky i better buy food before we starve thing. tomorrow morning? more errands. thursday is my day. the day of nothing but painting. i do have to say, one thing i really like about my art (is this totally rude and cooth-less to say something good about my own art??).....i love its 'raw' quality. my art is raw. it has a raw, edgy, take-me-as-i-am kind of feel and i dig that. it's how *I* am. that part of me i think is definitely conveyed into and through my art.

sometimes the urge is so strong.

starting to feel like doing nothing but make art.
sometimes the urge is so strong it cannot be ignored.
just want to play.
explore.
try new things.
open my world up.....
feeling inspired.
which is rare!
trying to take away the fear.
fear of not creating something great.
just need to let it be what it is.
if i like it, great.
if i don't, no worries.
paint another one!
every time i paint i learn something.
become a better artist.
i just need to park the fear.
walk away from it.
just let myself go.

oripeircme

the other night at about midnight i decided to start painting.
had to get up early the next day but whatev.
i just felt like painting.
so i did.
i painted for a few hours, went to bed and then, of course, couldn't sleep.
because i was jacked up from painting.
should have just stayed up and worked on the painting.
this is it.
in progress.
i have put in the base.
begun the layers.
it's going to be something when i'm done.
no.
really.
it is.
abstract, but recognizable.
i hope.
anywho.....
tomorrow the boys go back to school.
on my agenda?
drop them off at school.
this will be, after all, the first time both of them have been in school all day.
after drop off, off i go with callie to the beach.
for my first official run.
yes.
you read that right.
i'm running.
and not from anyone.
just because i want to.
i HATE running.
but i'm going to try and change that.
and see if i can learn to love it.
reading a book about running.
we'll see how it goes.
i'm not all about the exercise.
i mean, i love to walk on the beach.
and do about 4 days a week.
i'm all about the yoga.
i am NOT all about the running.
or did i mention that already.
so tomorrow, you'll find me on the beach about 8:30am.
running.
or, passing the fuck out.
because i ran.
or because i'm so out of shape and ran.
either way, i'm doing it.
and after, when i can breathe again, i'll find my way to a hot cup of coffee.
and to my studio.
where i will begin working.
seriously working.
like with no little boys distracting me.
or fighting.
so who knows.
maybe i'll actually get something done!
would be nice since i have painted about 10 secnds since the boys got out of school three months ago!