Saturday, December 11, 2010

hipsta app. again.

hipsta app photo taken by E.
taken a couple of days ago.
i'm holding a note that says:
will i feel normal again. ever?
i mean what i say.
i say what i mean.
there is no i'm saying 'this' but really mean 'this'.
in the moment it just is what it is.
that is a good thing.
don't get wrapped up in what it means later.
just let it be in that moment, whatever it is.
i am angry at myself.
for putting myself out there.
in what i feel was a blatant way.
i should have just kept it in.
the thing i am most angry about right now?
what was taken from me when james died.
aside from the obvious, james...himself.
and that my boys lost their father.
that fills me with such sadness.
james had SO much to show them.
give them.
teach them.
so much love for them.
i have lost my love for many things.
my passion.
sometimes i hear the boys bickering.
and it is all i can do not to curl up in a ball and scream.

3 comments:

Dawn ~ BJSMomma said...

thinking about you...which means PRAYING for your sweet family on the other coast ~ Delaware.

Merry Christmas to you and the boys!

Dawn

Quiet Violet said...

I hope someday that something will click for you, love. I hope so hard that one day you wake up and your heart actually feels.. good, full. Happy. And then you wake up the next day and it feels EXACTLY the same.

and the next day.
and the next.
and the next.


Love you, gf. Don't forget that good is all around you. <3

QuirkyGirl said...

where are you starting to worry...i also just realized that of the two comments listed neither are mine and I sent one for this blog ??? dude, machines hate me! I miss you...