Wednesday, September 15, 2010

written in a moment of extreme emotion.

i once told therapist dude i thought the only way i could ever get over james was to find someone else to be with.
that i wanted someone to fill that huge, giant void in my life.
not that any person would ever replace james.
because they couldn't.
therapist dude's response: you're never going to 'get over' james. you're always going to love him. and miss him. but you are going to find a way to live your life without him.
so sometimes i feel like i am living two seperate lives.
one where i am paralyzed by sadness and literally am sick to my stomach because i miss james so much.
and one where life feels...well....normal.
because i KNOW my life doesn't include james now.
i realize that.
everything james-related is in the past.
it's just that that is so sad.
sometimes, i see or hear something.
something that sends me back in time.
like in a stupid movie where someone is being shocked because their heart stopped.
and that person dies.
yes. i realize it's just a movie.
but i have ALWAYS been very affected by movies, television, music....
i sometimes think i feel things so, hm, how to describe it.
it just feels like things are coming at me hard and fast.
but nothing has really changed.
except internally.
and it's all because some sad shit happened in a movie, or whatever, and then all the emotion that i spend all this time and energy keeping down inside all the sudden comes RUSHING to the top.
sometimes i see james' blank, staring eyes.
and picture his body jumping up off the OR table after the defibrilator was implanted because they had to stop his heart and test the device.
fucking harsh.
and horrible.
but that shit actually happened.
it's the thing i was most distraught over while waiting in the waiting room while james was in surgery.
i was there by myself.
standing up against a wall.
i was fine.
but then.....
i couldn't keep it together.
and started crying.
trying so hard not to be noticed.
when some stranger came up to me and asked me if i was okay.
and, "did i mind if they hugged me".
such a kind gesture.
and now i'm laughing because that person had no idea how much i hate strangers touching me. much less hugging me.
i'm ALL over someone i like, or love, touching me, or hugging me.
and i love to touch and hug other people.
IF i know them.
i just shook my head no, with an 'i'm so sorry i know you are trying to be kind look on my face' and backed away.
got it together.
sat on the floor of the waiting room.
listened to my iPod.
until dr. ass came out to talk to me.
he had absolutely NO regard for james, for me......
so clinical.
making sure to give me details about when they shocked james' heart with the defibrilator they had just implanted into his chest.
and THAT is one of the worst things that ever happened to james.
it changed our lives.
james did it because he wanted to make sure he would be here for his children.
isn't that funny? yeah, i know. not really. but really?!
the device did NOT save him.
and i will never forget dr. ass coming out to tell me about the surgery.
what a horrible man he was.
so uncaring.
but that's just my side.
i am sure he has his own story to tell.
though honestly, i'm not sure what it could possibly be that could help explain away his uncaring, unfeeling manner.
how james was just another patient.
not a real person.
my best friend.
there are times, many times, when i do not think about these things.
but so far....these images find their way back to me.
i know there will be a time when they are less frequent.
they aren't excessively frequent now.
but they're still there.
so this is me, dumping the shit.
the horrible images.
leaving them here.
so when i go back to 'real life' i am not thinking about these things.
so i can get on with my life.
paint some paintings.
raise our boys.
live in this quiet, small, coastal town.
and just be.


Lisa said...

Every time I hear Matt Nathanson's Come on Get Higher I think of you and James. That huge intense love you had for each other and have shared in such a raw and beautiful way in this blog. I never met James but I still think of you both when this comes on the playlist. A different type of immortality.

Anonymous said...

Love you, lady.