Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i've gone brunette. er.

gave my iPhone to E today.
he took these as we were walking in to zan's school for his parent/teacher conf today.
first off, i've gone brunette(er).
darkened my color.
made it richer.
still not used to it.
also chopped it.
again.
i've had this nagging feeling ALL day.
finally figured out what it is.
first off, alexander was in a play at school today.
so i went.
it is THE shit that makes me saddest.
that james isn't here for these things.
because if he were alive, he would have been.
just reminds me, again, what is missing from the boys' lives.
that's how the morning started.
later in the day we went back to zan's school for his parent/teacher conference.
again, something james would have been present for.
so tonight, i sat, thinking.
feeling like something huge is missing from my life.
well, duh.
aside from the obvious, i realized i have no one to talk to about zan's conference.
james and i would have talked about it.
later.
after the boys were in bed.
just sort of mulled it over......
talked about zan's level in reading, how just like his father he is in this area, and any areas he might be struggling with.
zan's progress is really only something *I* care about.
zan is *MY* child.
it just makes me sad zan didn't have two parents watching him in the play.
two parents present for the parent/teacher conf.
i don't want the boys to grow up *wishing* things had been different.
i guess i can't stop that from happening.
they are always going to wish their father was still alive.
i just see the kids who have no parent show up.
and i am sure that hurts the child.
yes, zan has me.
but still....it's not what it would have been if james was still alive.
i am the only one to share in his triumphs.
or to worry about him in any way.
to be there to help him.
i just have had this feeling, more so today, than usual, that there is something hugely missing from my life.
i can only imagine how the boys feel.
they aren't capable of connecting their feelings to the proper words that go with them.
so we can talk about them.
they struggle silently.
at least i can write about it.
leave it here.
i happen to love the photo ethan took of me and zan. zan and me? too lazy.
it's classic alexander.
he's cute. adorable, actually.
and funny.
and mischevious. but in a good way. MOST of the time.
i wish more than anything that james was here to watch him grow up.
to see the changes in him.
they are huge.

6 comments:

mary said...

I feel Ya !!!

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard, but James is there. He was at the play watching Zan and he was at the conference. Hopefully the boys know that he is there and will be there with them every step of the way.

I probably feels strange, but have you tried talking to him?

Christina Kim Piper said...

You look beautiful. Love the new color! I know it's hard babe. You are being the best mom to those boys and that in itself is a huge thing to them!

Quiet Violet said...

I love the color!

Marieke said...

One parent who cares and takes a genuine interest in her kids' lives beats those that are not emotionally available to their kids every day of the week.
Just my quiet observation on this side of the world.
You look fab K! Much love from my little family to yours.

QuirkyGirl said...

You've been quiet too. It's okay. I get it. I've been on radio silence as well. Just can't seem to get the words out. I don't know. I was glad to see this. I like the hair. I finally enrolled. I'll be in beauty school starting Nov. 15th. I like the pic. You can see your emotion. Even as you try to hide behind Zan. I see you, Momma. It's okay to hide, but it's okay to know that you're still seen.