Saturday, February 05, 2011

another art journal page.

washed out.
bummer.
not sure i'm in love with my scanner.
it does not do well with this color (or kraft for that matter).
this is one of my all time absolute favorite photos of james.
i took it.
in february of 2008.
8 months before he died.
i remember this night vividly.
because it was snowing like a mo fo.
james had gotten home from work late (about 8pm) and then shoveled the driveway.
then said to me, "kimberly, lets go sledding."
so we did.
we left the boys in the house and went down the hill across the street.
i made james go first.
you know, in case it was a bad, bad idea.
that hill was steep.
with big rocks at the bottom.
kind of funny.
anyway, we had a freaking blast sledding.
me in my pj's.
classy, i know. but i had already put my pj's on. so i went with it.
there is no beauty without pain pretty much sums up a lot of how i feel about james' death.
if i didn't love him as crazily, as intensely as i did, i wouldn't be as sad as i have been. as i still am.
there was much beauty in our lives together.
only fitting, i suppose, now that he is gone, that the other side of that is pain.
this is the first art journal page i have done about james' death.
wasn't planning on doing it.
it just sort of happened last night.
inbetween letting a couple of pieces i am working on, dry.
it's so completely simple.
some paint. masking tape. james. my words.
and that's how i wanted it.
course when i came across this photo i had a complete breakdown.
one of those wrenching why did this happen kind of breakdowns.
the i miss you so much i can't breath kind.
the kind i had when i first came to astoria (to look at houses)....
when i walked around on the beach in the same mother fucking circle for two hours, crying, thinking....just generally being angry and sad that james had died.
those two instances stand out to me.
the one on the beach and the one last night.
they were turning points.
for what i am not sure.
but i felt differently after the first one on the beach.
and i feel differently today.

7 comments:

Mary vega said...

Very nice... I love your work, your ability to write, and paint. You and the boys are often in my thoughts and prayers.

QuirkyGirl said...

I love this story. I love knowing the James was the kind of man who would grab you to go sledding at night just cuz...no kids other than the 2 crazy ones flying down the hill. It makes me happy knowing that's who he was...cuz that fits you.

Then I was grieved. Ive always been touched by your words and felt deeply what I would read. But after finding Brandon when I was almost certain 'he' wasn't out there for me, I read your words with new eyes and a new heart.

For almost 2 years Ive cheered you on and told you that you would move on when youre ready...I owe you an apology, Momma. I was a punkassed kid (in my 30s nonetheless! lol) who just couldn't get it. But thinking about losing B makes me feel like I don't have air in my lungs.

What can I say...I love you. it's about 2 years now that we've been reading each others words....strange isn't it. And I have grown to genuinely love you and look forward to your words on my screen. I cheer for you and cry over you. I am different for having found and read this blog.

Keep on keepin on, Momma. Youre gonna get there...cuz like me you don't know how not to....even if you really don't want to.

Dawn ~ BJSMomma said...

I too loved this story, how cool you have a photo to go along with that special memory. This is so special!

Praying for you in DELAWARE.
Dawn

QuirkyGirl said...

Yes, Yes, a thousand time yes! I concur (i love the word concr btw) with every single thing you wrote. This is where my encouragement has stemmed from. BUT sometimes are encouragementcan come across differnetly than we intend. This was more about making sure that I hadn't crossed that line. Your heart is important to me and I just wanted to honor our friendship. I really wish I could honor it with a cup of Really Fucking Hot Mochas ;)

Leah said...

love that page...love that you made it and love the story behind it...you are my hero and I love you mucho!

Anonymous said...

The picture and the story are awesome. I can so envision you in your jammies having a blast on the hill. Love that you had your own spunky time with James- sneaking out to sled.

E in Eugene

Ally J said...

Very nice... I love your work, your ability to write, and paint. You and the boys are often in my thoughts and prayers.