Kerg Brooks Key Nov 3, 1933-Oct 2, 2008

brooks, christmas 2007
mom and brooks, christmas 2007
brooks, christmas 2006
scampi and alexander, christmas 2006
scampi and ethan, christmas 2006

if only i knew where our fucking wedding photos were i would scan and post my favorite photo of brooks and me dancing at my wedding. he danced the father/daughter dance with me when my own father would not.

i am sad to report that my stepdad died this morning a little before 4am. i am so incredibly sad for my mother. my mom and brooks have been together for many many years. when i graduated high school, and didn't know what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go, brooks gave me free reign on one of his credit cards and told me to go. go figure out where i wanted to be and what i wanted to do.

for so many years brooks battled diabetes. it attacked his body with such ferociousness. through it all he never let on as to how much pain he was in, how seriously his health was failing (though i knew...i could tell)....but he didn't want to let on how bad things were. my mom told me. we talked many a night about him.

the last five days have been surreal for my mom. knowing something was wrong. loading brooks into the car, but not being able to make it. calling 911. him losing consciousness and his heart stopping. the paramedics re-starting his heart but too much damage had occurred. he never regained consciousness and after scans of his brain, the doctors told my mother he was brain dead. on monday night she had him taken off the ventilator. she stayed with him. never left his side. she made sure he was comfortable. she just stayed with him. three days later he quietly took his last breath. and then my mom called me.

we have been in constant contact since sunday. me checking on her. checking on him. checking on her again. just talking to her. doing what i could from this distance. my mom was adamant that i not come. and though it went against everything inside me, i honored her wish. i wanted to be there for her. to make phone calls. arrangements. to hug her. just to be there. but she said no. so i did what i could from my cell phone. seems rather empty.

my mom is in shock i think. yes, she knew he was not doing well. but it's never easy to let go and say goodbye. it is better that he is no longer in pain or suffering. but god. how absolutely horrifying for my mom. to sit there, watching him. watching his involuntary twitches, listening to his labored breathing. i cannot even imagine.

i will very much miss the tea drinking, sports loving, gentle man who treated me like a daughter. my boys will miss their scampi. when E was very little he couldn't pronounce grampy. it came out scampi and just stuck. i wish i could make things easier for my mom. this is just such a sad day. and, seriously, if i knew where the fuck my wedding photos were i would scan and post the photo of the two of us. it has always been one of my favorite photos. i will HAVE to find it.

fear.
living with it.
dealing with it.
kicking its ass.....somedays.
somedays not.

edouard manet.

i'm a huge fan of impressionism. edouard manet painted a piece and titled it 'the lemon'. i happend across it the other day and was inspired enough to sit down and paint my version of his work. i'm not sure it's done. i often view things i've painted from different ways. in a mirror. hanging (taped) to a wall. even on-line. it really helps. the different perspectives....an amazing tool. i am so in love with chunky paint. paint strokes that can clearly be seen.
yesterday alexander woke up an hour early from his nap. instead of getting upset at him (he's been truly exhausted this last week)....i suggested we paint together. now this is huge people. i do not paint with my kids when i am painting. i'm generally alone when i paint. but yesterday, yesterday....well....he was so excited at waking to find me painting, and he wanted to paint so badly that i said yes. and it was nice. he was sweet. and proud of himself for his creations. it was great. we talked, painted, got messy (VERY messy), and just enjoyed being together until it was time to pick up E from school.
now. on to other things. this will be a long post. it has been a surreal week. a surreal day. through it all the boys have been amazing. especially today, while spending an entire day in an itty bitty recovery room, alexander was so amazing. so good. so in tune with what was going on. he's my kid so of course i'm biased. but seriously, that little boy blew me away today.
we are now at home. all of us. the way it should be. all week i was either totally fine or totally in break-down mode. i was mostly scared at how i would keep it all from affecting the boys. how i would keep myself together since this time i had no one to watch alexander so he had to come with me. i wouldn't have the luxery of sneaking off somewhere to let out my emotion. i had to keep it together, to show him (and E) that everything was going to be okay. and i'm still.....i can't even begin to tell you...just blown away by his behavior today. he was just so good. and caring. and worried. and never wanting to leave our sides.
since E was at school for most of the day, i was worried less about him. we talked a little before school. he knew what today was. i told him i would pick him up and i did. he needed his routine and that's what i gave him. that and some reassurance this morning. and lots more tonight.
everyone in our household is exhausted. the boys are tucked into their beds. james is tucked into ours. as for me, i need a little time. to sort through my thoughts. so now, now that no one is watching me, taking cues from me....i can just let myself be.
today was a horrible day. even so, i saw amazing things (in alexander, james and E). i learned a few things about a couple of people these last few days. things that will stay with me forever. i am forever changed. i am hurt. i am angry. i have felt incredibly alone. but also not alone, it affects each of us, just in different ways. i had such mixed emotions today. but i held it together. all day.
i'm sort of sitting here perhaps shell-shocked. that's how i feel. i do not know what the future holds, how this will all turn out. but i know we will get through it together as a couple and as a family. whatever we have to do, well, that's what we'll do. there is nothing else to do.

feeling 0% creative but i painted anyway.

you can lose yourself all at once or you can lose yourself one day at a time. that's a quote i heard today and it stuck with me.

after i worked out today i went upstairs and MADE myself paint (for the last 20 minutes of alexander's nap). i wanted to.....but, well.....i haven't felt the least bit creative lately. i have to 'feel' it to make anything happen. it sucks not to have that 'need' to create. i want to....but i can take it or leave it. but today, i decided to not let it go. to go paint something. truthfully it looks better in person. for some reason the colors are a bit off in the scan. eh....you know.

it was nice to lose myself (even if it was for only 20 minutes), to focus on something arty, and at least make....well, something. one minute i am fine. the next i am having a mini freak out. the conversation i had with my mom last night was out of this world. and i mean that in a bad way. she is so wrapped up in her own world (and i can't blame her)......but her reaction was, lets just say, not what i expected. i can count on only one person. and that's james. and he can count on me. and that's the way it will be i guess. there is so much more i could say. and want to say. but know i shouldn't. so i won't.

i need to find a way to bring myself back. to want to create (not have to force myself to sit at my table). i need to find a way to make everything okay. finding a way to take a breath. a deep breath so i can de-stress. it's all going to be okay. it just will.

this is oliver.

he's the best dog on the planet. well, aside from callie. she's a good dog too. oliver and i have a connection. he follows me around everywhere i go. and i mean everywhere. oliver calms me. when i pet him, and lay with him, i can take a deep breath.

here's my disclaimer. if you read any further, you do so at your own risk. this post is for me. i have a few things to say. and this is where it's happening. if you're looking for a happy feel good post, read no further. this post will not be for you.

since sept 5th, it's been doctor appts, tests, more doctor appts. and as it turns out (we found out today)....even more tests. it feels like the last 13 days have been much longer than 13 days. and i feel like crying. and sleeping. and hiding. and going on like all is well. all at the same time.

i am grateful for what we have and how things are. things could be much worse. i am very aware of that. i am, however, also tired of living in fear (even if it is pushed to the far reaches of my mostly empty brain for the most part). it would be nice, if even for a little while, james and i could just be us. not us with this 'thing' to deal with. and now i am back to being grateful. grateful for james. who is an amazing man.

the grass is always greener.

having my mom here for a few days was nice. complicated, but nice. i wish i could make her life easier. it makes me sad how much worry and stress is in her life. her husband is scheduled for a bit of surgery tomorrow morning. i asked my mom if she wanted me to fly down. she said no. she will call me and keep me updated.

today i have been out of energy. emotionally and physically. out of sorts, sort of. it's because i'm tired. really really really tired.

my birthday was nice but my mom made a comment that bothers me. she said this time, this trip i seemed stressed. i am tired. that's a big part of it. and i told her that. it bothers me that she thinks she added more stress and work to my life. i don't care. i look forward to and enjoy her visits. even if i have to actually clean my house. and i didn't mind baking my own birthday cake. or my pie. i didn't want her to have to do it when she got here. i wanted her to have a break. to enjoy herself some and not work. i wanted to do something nice for her, to have little surprises and treats for her. she deserves it.

she gave me many wonderful gifts for my birthday. she professionally framed a card i made for her. she framed something else i did that has been published. that was just the most wonderful gift. so thoughtful. she gave me some cash too (for thailand) and a few other wonderful things. she spoils me and i completely and totally love it.

i didn't find any time to paint this weekend (it was crazy busy with my mom here). and that's okay. it'll come. sometime.

a photo.

trying to take it all in.
trying to live in the moment.
taking deep breaths.
trying to really, truly appreciate where i'm at.
finding a way to deal with stress.
finding a way to make my heart stop pounding with anxiety.
happy to have a normal day with no emergencies or surprises (the bad ones at least).
going to read story to my sick kid.
going to make time to paint this weekend. that's a must.

the end of summer is near.

painted this in my thailand journal. why pears? and why in my thailand journal? dunno. it was just what inspired me and what came out. and my thailand journal is just what happened to be nearby. and that's the way i work. i think i'll do a painting similar to this on canvas. i like it. i'll use this small piece as inspo for a larger one.

the end of summer really is near. we can no longer ride our bikes until 9 or 9:30. now it's totally dark at 8:30 and we're coming in earlier and earlier. today the high was 71 degrees. two days ago it was 98. tomorrow we're back up to the high 80s on our way back to the mid 90s. even so, the evenings are cool. a hoodie or long pants are needed for playing outside after dinner. this weekend our house has been neighborhood kid-central. kids coming and going, coming in without knocking, running around and staying until we've actually had to 'politely' suggest that they go home so we can get our own kids to bed. as i type this i still have two extra kids downstairs. i'm about to go down and suggest they go home. tomorrow it's back to second grade for E. and he's tired. he's slowly adjusting to his school schedule but E requires a lot of sleep. he's like me in that regard. so it's his bathtime and then a little quality time with dad, brush teeth, story and off to bed.

something i've been working on here and there.

emily sent me a surprise in the mail: a passport-style book (and a few other supplies including some delicous ribbon from thailand) to use to help prepare for our trip to thailand. she randomly stamped a page here and there and added the 'kimberly' stickers to the first page to get me started. i, of course, grunged that page up with ink. after that the page just felt complete so i moved on. if you have the time, click on the images to make them larger. much better that way.
i decided to use this passport book to record my feelings, and why i decided to go to thailand. i cut up some heidi swapp sticker letters, threw in some paint and machine stitching and called those two pages good.
somewhere over the last few years i have lost sight of who i am. i am a wife, and a mother, but after that i don't even know. i love my kids deeply and fiercely but i also know i need to find out who i am. now. after being with james for so many years, after being a mother for 7 years. it's time to focus a little

attention on me. to find out what it is that i want to do, what i want to be. finding an identity other than wife and mother has been something i have long sturggled with. this isn't new for me. when i saw the announcement about thailand on emily's blog something inside of me just sort of took over. i sent
an email to james with a link to emily's blog with a note that said, 'in a perfect world'. that night he came home with a book about thailand. a few days later i made up my mind and sent an email to tara and then one to emily. and now i am going to thailand.
some days it's all i can do to get up, take care of the boys, do what has to be done....and make it through the day. i have lost my passion for creating, for life. i need it back.
exhaustion like i have never felt before. maybe going to thailand will help me see things clearly.
with this trip i hope to find my way back to wanting to create...needing to create. i like the unfinished quality to this page. and the funky vase. love love love funky old vases. as if anyone who has ever seen any of my paintings wouldn't know that already.

these are the pages i have made so far. working in this passport book is the first creating i've done in a long time.

the fair (part 2). i told you it was coming.

i meant to post this at the end. but i didn't. so here it is at the beginning. this was at the very end of the night right before we left. two happy boys. i had to capture the moment (because they were being so nice to each other).

alexander on the tugboat ride. again.

Ethan on the dragon rollercoaster.
E on this big maze thing where there was a slide at the end to get down.
me and alexander (and next to me are james' mom and cousin brian).
alexander giving brian a hug. so cute.
after the hug, yet another time on the jets. but just look at them. they were so happy.

the fair (part 1). yes. this will be a two-parter.

on thursday of last week we went to the state fair with james' family. there were 12 of us 6 of which were children.

this is alexander on the jets. he LOVED this ride. if you're willing to take the time, you really should click on the photos to make them bigger. much better that way.
i handed the camera to james to collect alexander at the exit of the jets ride and he snapped our pic. for some reason in this photo alexander doesn't look happy. but trust me. he was. he was happy all night long. and we didn't get home until 11pm!!
in the front is joey (james' sister's youngest). in the back row (left to right) is of course E, then justin (james' sister's as well). next to justin is brian (james' brother's little boy) and of course next to brian is alexander. they all went on the tugboat ride and had a great time.
alexander back on the jets again. i'm telling ya....the kid LOVED that ride.
james somehow managed to take this photo of me, alexander and auntie trish (james' cheeseball sister). and i mean the cheeseball thing in a loving way, not a mean way! lol....

and what do we have here???? oh, it's just my loving husband flippin' me the bird!!! all because HE had to go on this ride and not me. ha!!! sweet, isn't he? joey, our nephew (trish's youngest) really wanted to go on this ride (where you lay down) so uncle james took him.

james and E on a pretty fast-moving ride. you can tell it's going fast because about 10 inches of james' hair is behind him. yep. the dude has very long hair right now.

i have more pics. many many more pics. be prepared. i may....heck...who am i kidding....i WILL post a couple more sometime soon. we always have a good time at the fair. well....mostly the boys do. but it's something we've always done with james' family and i would like to keep that tradition.

the one person i miss during this time is james' dad.

fun was had by all. the boys were dirty, i mean their feet were filthy!!! they were stuffed full of fair food (omg....ICK)...but they loved it. and we'll probably go back next year. back later with more pics. but just a few, i promise.

first day of second grade.

alexander is tired. very very tired. we have had a whirlwind two weeks. he was excited to go play out on the second grade playground but his energy quickly ran out so he sat down for a little rest. alexander had mixed emotions today. he wants E to go back to school (alexander says E picks on him too much) but alexander will miss E. they do play nicely together from time to time. alexander is also sad that he's not getting to go to school. i told him next year will be his year.
i watched E and alexander walk into school. i love a shot from the back. i have a similar shot from kindergarten and first grade as well.
just hangin', waiting for the bell to ring. E is on the right by the red pole. you can tell my kid. he's the one with the longest hair.
alexander on the monkey bars. he LOVES the monkey bars.
E and mrs. dolan (his teacher) on the way into class after the bell rang.

i sent E off with his backpack stuffed with school supplies and his lunchbox. i put a little note in his lunchbox telling him to have a great first day of second grade and that i love him. i hope he really does have a great first day of second grade. he was very excited this morning to be going back to school!

mikhail baryshnikov.

fairly current photo i think.
i find him extremely sexy..... his body, his accent....
back in the day...what must his life have been like. powerful yet graceful, he really is a beautiful man.

just thought i would share my love of mikhial.

some of what we've been up to lately.

on wednesday we drove to california to see james' aunt anna. she has a pool so the boys played and had a great time. this is E swimming.
here's a shot of cousins (and my kids) and also just leaving the frame is will, james' brother.
alexander loves to float around in his fish. the weather was perfect, much fun was had and best of all james brought me a margarita to sip while i sat poolside keeping an eye on all the boys.

the key to longevity.

as an artist i am constantly changing, evolving.
you need to be inspired by current trends, fasion, pretty much anything and everything.
BUT....you must always be you.
i am gearing up.
getting ready to shift my attention back to creating art.
it seems to come in waves for me. in cycles.
when it all finally overcomes me i hope i will have some kid-free time to let it rip.

emotions are messy.

why is it that my emotions are bottled up until i watch a movie.
instead of being content with what i have i WANT the 'romance' of what i'm watching.
i can feel others' pain but don't recognize my own. UNTIL i watch a movie. then it comes pouring out.
for some reason i go through most days emotionless. i smile, and laugh....but i don't really feel it until i'm alone. or watching a mvie, or a complete season of a television show.
i crave romance. even a show like sex and the city can make me cry. WTF is up with that.

summer is winding down.

from the olympics, i have been interested in three things. womens' gymnastics ( and mens' too, how could i not want the underdog USA team to win a medal?), dara torres and last but not least, michael phelps. other than that? i don't watch. mostly it was the womens' gymnastics and michael phelps. i may have gazed at all the amazing perfectly defined and in shape bodies. wow. like holy crap wow. i wish i had some of their motivation/determination.

ethan and alexander's cousins are leaving tomorrow morning (and the boys are not happy about it). i think they've all had a pretty fun week at auntie's. how could they not with going to the park, eating ice cream, going to the marina, bike riding, video games, going to the lake and to the water park. who wouldn't want to come to auntie's house. the food has been pretty good too if i do say so myself. more time consuming to feed that many, but it is most definitely do-able. we have put our brand new table to good use. everyone had a place at the table. nice.
summer is winding down. school starts in just over a week. it is getting dark earlier (boo, hiss)....we have had, however, a heat wave through here the last few days. triple digits. our air conditioner has definitely been working overtime. it's 11:30pm and it is still on.
i really wish next week could be filled with fulfilling my 'i want to's' instead of the 'i need to's and i will do's'. i would love to drive over to the coast for a few days. but that won't be happening.
being that i haven't painted in almost three months, i hope to change that sometime soon. i can feel the urge bubbling back up to the top. i haven't had the opportunity (or energy really) to paint, or art journal. i am hoping when E goes back to school i can change that. there are just only so many hours in the day. and none of them seem to be spent in that way. it's again all about the cycles and how i do not have my life in balance.
now i am off to take more allergy medicine. i will soon be going to bed. i do have an early call. and it is SO hard for me to wake up when i get so little sleep. i had two nights that i actually slept a couple hours in a row but seem to be back to tossing and turning all night. which is SO irritating. and exhausting.

seriously crazy day.

took the boys to lake tahoe.
poor little alexander was wiped. out. fell asleep in the car on the way home. SO cute.
christine came so james and i got a surprise date night.
we went to dinner and then saw the new batman movie.
came home, helped get everyone ready for bed.
tomorrow the boys and i are off to wild waters (our local water park).
now i'm going to catch up on the olympics, watch a little sex and the city then go to bed.

when times were simpler.

for some reason i have been thinking a lot about what life used to be like. like right after high school. no obligations. nothing but freedom. i did not have the responsibilities i have now.

the biggest decision i used to have to make was whether to have another drink or if, perhaps 8 margaritas was enough. i didn't think about the future. i thought about right now. when does that change? i miss that freedom. i'm not saying i would trade my life for what it used to be...but damn. i sure love that time of my life. i guess i'm just feeling meloncholy.

life is all about choices. i question mine from time to time. you are ultimately responsible for yourself, but when you are married, and have children it's no longer black and white. that makes it much hard to make the decisions that may be right for just you.

and totally unrelated, holy crap the athletes in the olympics.....their bodies.....did i already say holy crap???!!! they are machines. impressive perfect bodies.

i have five boys in my house.

i know of late my blog has been fairly negative. i'm trying to work through that. let me just say that these last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. i have mentioned the usual things, and other things here and there. i haven't really gone into it in much detail. one of the biggest problems has been exhaustion. i have never felt such exhaustion in my life.

on another note......my brother (he lives in california) drove over today and brought with him his three boys. kyler is 10 (will be 11 next month). the twins, sawyer and riley, are 8 (they will be 9 in december). i love my nephews. they are staying with us for a week. and let me tell you. it. is.. crazy. and loud. but good. today was filled with video games, running around screaming out of pure joy and bike riding.

tomorrow we are off to the park for a picnic lunch. then we are headed to swensons for ice cream. and i am sure more video games and bike riding as well. my brother is back at home. it's pretty much just me and five boys.

i never really realized until today what an assembly line it takes to feed five boys. and holy crap the amount of food they went through just today. now all five boys (and james) are in bed. aaaaaaaaah. it's quiet. at least until they wake up in the morning. lol... i do, however, enjoy spending time with my nephews. i don't get to see enough of them. ethan and alexander have been looking forward to this. i just hope i can keep them all entertained and happy for the next week.

what i wouldn't give....

what i wouldn't give for someone to gently put their hand on my back. just a gentle touch.
what i wouldn't give for someone to rub my right ankle (i hurt it today).
what i wouldn't give for james to wake up rested and feel good.
what i wouldn't give for james to smile. a genuine smile.
what i wouldn't give to want to be with my kids 24/7. i wish i never needed a break. but i do.
what i wouldn't give to have no stress in my life.
what i wouldn't give to feel like i have support, that i'm not in this alone.
what i wouldn't give to wake up with purpose.
what i wouldn't give to wake up feeling energized.
what i wouldn't give to have peace and contentment. true happiness.
i could go on. but instead i will go read story and put the children to bed.

re-do.

tonight after dinner the boys wanted to ride their bikes. it's what we do in the evenings. so i took the opportunity to get a photo of alexander riding that doesn't suck ass.

also got this photo of ethan. i should have been yelling at him to get down. but...uh....instead i, being the great mother than i am, snapped the shot. i'm happy to report we did NOT have to visit the emergency room from this evening's ride.

i have been tagged by the fabulous amie.

here are my six random things:

1. the other day i listened to some old cd's. i mean OLD. tracy chapman, in particular. whenever i hear her, it reminds me of my old boyfriend, timothy, and the time i went to visit him in newport, oregon. he was in the coast guard and was stationed there.

2. i have a thing for men in uniform. particularly the coast guard. did i mention i dated a guy who was a coastie? um, actually i dated a couple of 'em. not of course, at the same time. geez. i AM a lady! (to anyone who is now laughing their ass off, knock it off. i was serious).

3. when i was at the grocery store today i did not buy the bag of oreo cookies that i wanted. but damn i wish i would have. i would be eating them now if i did.

4. about three weeks ago i cut my left index finger very deeply (and right through my fingernail). it bled like a son of a bitch and it still hurts. i'm missing a chunk of fingernail and keep catching that finger on stuff.

5. i love the smell of rain. we have a 50% chance of rain here tomorrow. here's hopin'!

6. i am in dire need of new bras and underwear. seriously.

this is the part where i'm supposed to tag six people...but i'm entirely too lazy. so...if you read this long blog post, consider yourself tagged. post your 6 randoms and link me up.

so proud of alexander.

alexander rode his bike with no training wheels today for the first time!! he's four! and yes, i know the photos suck ass. tell me about it.
the first photo looks like it was dark. while it was definitely dusk, it wasn't as dark as it seems. i clearly just do not know how to use my camera. i was trying to capture the moment but uh.....yeah...the old camera was not set correctly.

i am so proud of alexander! proud and sad at the same time!! he is my baby. my little boy no longer needs training wheels! i am an emotional basket case becasue typing this is almost making me cry! i was just thinking this is the house my kids are growing up in. they learned to ride their bikes in front of the house on this street.

it really wasn't that long ago that we took E's training wheels off. i remember a neighbor coming up to use a couple weeks after and saying they watched us, as james and i helped E, and taught him how to ride without his training wheels. it's like a private moment for the world to see. it's kind of nice that someone else took joy in watching us teach our boys how to ride their bikes. my kids will have memories of their lives in this house. they are old enough to start remembering things from their childhood. sometimes i just think to myself, holy crap. i have kids?! really?!! it just blows me away. i am just so happy for alexander. he was proud of himself and my heart is so full of love for that little boy.......that amazing, smart, handsome, wonderful little boy. alexander, one day you will read this. i just want you to know how proud of you i am, and how happy you make me. i love you.

trying to find my way out.

all day long my mind is a pile of mush.
only when i work out do i find clarity. brief minutes of clarity.
why is that?
a benefit of exercise? ~GASP~ there really ARE benefits???!!
how can it be then, that as soon as i stop that clarity is gone and i again delve deep back into nothingness.
why can't i keep my thoughts straight?
why can't i work it all out enough so that i can have an intelligent conversation and actually know what i want to say. actually know what is wrong. and how to fix it. or even begin to address it.
instead i sit quietly. saying nothing. but wanting to say everything.