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counters went in today. granite (the unshiny kind)....i can't stand shiny granite. the cabinets are antiqued and are off white. cabinets did not come with hardware. i had that put on by one of the finish dudes. i think it adds to the overall look. appliances are all stainless. and should be installed tomorrow. hoping it all works out and i really am moving in a week. hoping the light cabinets and stainless (neutrality of it) will balance the dark counter.

small breakdown in the scary basement today. after james died he was cremated. i moved his ashes to astoria with us. in packing up shit in the scary basement, i had to move james' ashes. carefully. and gently. but it occurred to me (uh....duh).....that i was holding my husband's ashes. and holy fucking shit. i sat on the floor of the gross, dirty, scary basement and cried. out of the blue. from no where.

it's all good.....i know good things are happening, the fact we're about to move into our new house, and we'll be able to finally get settled.....today was just not my best day. tomorrow is another one. i am sure it will be better. i will be chill. less emotional.

the last week i have been waking up at 4am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. and that is pissing me off. thinking if it happens again tonight, tomorrow night will be an allergy medicine/lemon drop martini induced night in the hopes of sleeping past 4am.

we are moving in 9 days.

i once had a passing thought that if i ever had my own little studio space, it would have a purple stained concrete floor. so here it is. this is my studio which is just really another room in our new house. except it has the perfect floor for painting and getting messy. and a sink. with cold AND hot water. two very important things for a studio? floors you can easily clean/wipe paint off and a sink with running cold and hot water (so you don't freeze your hands off) to rinse brushes.

i am looking forward to organizing my studio. getting my roll of canvas out. my stretcher bars. all my paint. maybe, one day, when i don't have more 'house' stuff to do, i will paint. i miss that creative, get lost...get in the zone...forget about everything else part of me.

met with a tax dude earlier this week. my taxes for 2009 were more difficult than 2008. lots of questions i didn't know the answers to. so i found someone, made the appointment and went. i sometimes forget to self edit. i forget where i am, who i am with. i am pretty sure i said fuck at least three times (to the CPA). yeah. i'm sure that made a nice impression. lol... i know i have to self-edit when out in 'public'. i just forget sometimes. it takes a lot of effort. ooops.

i just have not felt like posting.

my blog has been, in the past, the place i can put the crap.
to get it out of my head.
but lately, i haven't been able to think clear thoughts.
or if i have, i haven't liked or wanted to admit what they are.
which is unusual for me.
i know i am on overload.
getting ready to move again.
march 5th or 6th. or both.
my brother is coming to help.
haven't seen him since he helped move me initially.
never thought james' mom would actually come and see us.
but she is.
she bought a ticket.
never thought she would come before jan.
never, EVER thought that.
ganja hippy dude.
i think that's where it all started to get fucked up.
it was a trip (seriously like i felt like i was living someone else's life).
he pursued me.
would not give up.
wanted to be with me.
and by be with me, i mean he wanted us to get married and grow old together.
well, i'm already old. so older, i guess. ;-)
i went from forcing myself to go out with him (so i would know what it felt like)....
to realizing how much i miss having someone in my life.
someone on a daily basis.
someone who gives a crap about you.
your day.
someone to hold hands with.
someone to hold you.
someone to talk to. with.
someone to be intimate with.
and by intimate i don't mean sex.
i mean...someone to have a history with.
who knows things about you.
who gets the inside jokes.
who shares himself with you.
someone to speak to in that soft voice and someone who speaks to YOU in that same voice.
unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it)...ganja hippy dude had too many issues.
he was too intense.
could not understand 'go slow'.
it was all or nothing with him so i chose nothing.
he couldn't understand where i am coming from.
from being married to my best friend, the man i thought i would spend my entire life with....
to 10 years of james' illness, his death....now raising the boys....moving.....adjusting.
he just couldn't grasp i really needed to go slow.
there were other reasons i couldn't be with him, too, of course.
he just wasn't the right dude for me.
but it was hard to let go.
and that is hard for me to admit.
i think of myself as strong (most of the time).
but i really wanted to hold on to ganja hippy dude.
because he made me feel less lonely.
he 'wanted' to take care of me.
to help raise the boys.
but there was just something not right.
something i didn't feel with him.
he thought i was the one for him and couldn't understand why i wasn't willing to just jump in.
which is how i normally roll.
but wasn't able to with him.
that right there tells me he's not the right dude for me.
i just didn't want to listen to myself.
i think most of all ganja hippy dude made me realize i really will want to be with someone at some point.
that i'm not capable of living life and feeling all there is to feel.....without sharing it.
admitting that pisses me off.
i know james would want me to be happy.
but it sort of feels like (yeah...i know)...like i am disrespecting him, or unloving him.
which i'm not.
i get that. logically it makes sense.
just emotionally...you know, that's where shit gets fucked up.
afraid i might develop feelings for someone who doesn't have the same feelings for me.
*SIGH*
now i can breathe.
for a little while.
been a pretty emotional ride the last few weeks.
not even sure why.
counting down the days.....
16 days until we move into our new house.
holy shit.
like seriously. HOLY SHIT.
i have to get our shit packed up again!!!

i should be in bed!

sometimes life comes at you hard and fast.
i need to slow things down.
have some time to think.
i need quiet.
alone time.
since i won't be getting that...gotta figure out how to sort through the shit in my head anyway.
the boys have both been sick.
for two weeks.
i now have what they have.
i need to address two issues.
two important issues.
i also need a shitload of sleep.
i am sure if i could sleep the other issues would be clearer.
i sometimes wonder why i do the fucking things i do.
against my better judgment, sometimes i do things.
and it's scary.
there are many powerful emotions.
lack of sleep does not help define what is true and what is not.

therapist dude.

had a telephone appointment with therapist dude today.
he told me to let him know if i needed him.
so i did.
finally.
kind of hard to cram 4 months into 50 minutes.
it was intense.
phone conversations don't have quite the same impact.
but even so, therapist dude helped refocus me.
got asked out by a long haired hippy dude.
which made me throw up.
never, ever thought anyone would ask me out.
it blew my mind.
wasn't ready.
forced myself to go out with him anyway.
because i wanted to know what it would feel like.
how i would react.
of course i threw up after. a bunch of times.
but ultimately i couldn't do it.
something was not quite right there.
therapist dude agreed.
hippy dude was WAY intense.
came on hard and fast.
part of me wanted everything to be right.
because i miss having someone to share things with.
to talk to.
part of me was way not ready.
the boys have been pushing me. HARD.
BOTH of them.
which is unusual.
i usually deal with E's behavior and not alexander's too.
seriously?
i'll deal with this fucken shit.
fucken roll with it.
figure it out.
and i will fucking enjoy every happy moment that comes my way in the meantime.
45 days until we are fucking in our new house.

eporiq-03r-3m,xcmz.x,

hated the place i lived.
so i moved.
adjusting, figuring things out.
and it's all good.












alexander and callie walking (to the rental) from the bus stop today

it's weird, and i'm not sure i can explain it exactly, but i feel my old life slipping away.
on one hand, that's very sad. it makes me feel like i am losing james all over again.
on the other hand, it's good. i came here for a new start. a fresh place.
but it's sortta freakin' me out.
because i feel like it's all happening so fast.
since moving i haven't really talked to anyone about james.
yes. i know. i need a new therapist dude.
i'll work on that.
life is happening here.
even though it scares the shit out of me, and i literally spent friday night throwing up because of how bad i felt, the guilt i felt at contemplating and taking action to have a life without james, i am forcing myself to do shit. to move forward. even though i don't want to. i know i have to. i have to back the shit with some action. i DO have to move on. to show the boys what there is in life. how to do this.
just wasn't expecting how hard that would be.
it's weird for me to say i don't want to move on.
because for the past few months all i have said is that i DO want to move on.
but now, now that i see a little bit of life opening up to me....fucking scares the shit out of me!
and now i'm not so sure i want to do this.
it's amazing that you can feel so many conflicting emotions at once.
i am excited.
a little bit happy.
missing james.
wanting to open myself up.
but scared to do it.
that takes me to a whole new place.
one that i'm not sure i'm ready for.
a whole lotta guilt with all this.

a letter.

14 months later, i want you to know i still miss you each and every day.
i am doing my absolute best with the boys.
some days i feel like a complete and total failure as a parent.
some days i don't.
E is constantly pushing me.
just when i don't think i can take any more, he either senses it...or i'm not even sure but he somehow magically snaps back into the adorable and caring little boy i know he can be.
today, for the FIRST time, he told me he was sorry for something he had done.
i almost felt like he understands that you HAVE to take responsibility for your actions.
not so sure though. because this has been a hard lesson for E. i've taught it over and over and over again. sometimes i have felt like i've been slamming my head against a wall, that he will never, ever get it. then...today...wham. maybe it's a first step. god i hope so. because he HAS to understand.
alexander, too, is trying to find his way.
form some independence.
which is sad for me.
it sort of shocks me, actually. i guess i should have expected it. i guess i wasn't prepared.
the boys miss you so much.
they talk about you, alexander more than ethan, though as more time passes E talks about you a bit more. when you first died, he totally and completely shut down. i see him, beginning to talk about certain memories he has of you, of us....it's a good thing. but i see it also makes him sad.
all of the decisions i have made, i have made with the boys' best interest in mind. their best interest and MY sanity.
i want you to know i love living in astoria.
i asked the boys the other night, each individually, if they like it here.
alexander does. he seems content.
ethan says he likes it, however, his answer was slightly reserved.
i think he misses you, and equates you to reno, and our old house and is still mad at me for taking him away from 'you', if that makes any sense.
a week or so ago the boys and i were sitting at the table.
alexander said to me, 'i want things back the way they were. i want daddy back. i want our house back. i want everything back the way it was.' it of course, made me really sad. becasue i feel guilty for uprooting them. i needed to do it. i couldn't live there anymore. but i know my decision was hard on them. for them. and they aren't over it.
i know that i am lucky.
lucky that i can have a house built for us.
i also feel the stress.
the stress of being a single parent.
of making every single decision for all of us.
once the virus attacked your heart, our lives changed. not to say i wouldn't do it all over again with you, because i would. i wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
some days i think of you and am happy.
other days, i am sad beyond words. because i miss you and i'm not sure i can do this.
wait. that's not right. i know i can do this. i'm just not sure if i can do it well.
i worry, a lot, about fucking up the boys.
i miss having you here.
to talk to. with.
to tell me it's all going to be okay.
you filled in all those little gaps and spaces that needed filling.
i don't know how else to say it except you and i just went together.
we belonged together.
and my insomnia.....it's back.
when you died it came back with a mother fucking vengence.
it went away for a while.
but it's back.
i should find a new therapist dude.
i just haven't.
there are many things i should do.
and haven't.
on christmas day when i had to talk to that person, my body shook.
the entire time.
i did my part and let the boys talk to them.
i know i need to let my anger about this particular subject go.
but i'm not entirely there yet.
i want you to know that you had some good friends.
vish, for one.
a year later, he sent the boys something for christmas.
he did not forget that there are two little boys out there, missing their father.
and THAT is way way way beyond amazing.
and someone has been a secret santa to the boys. got something in the mail for them yesterday. no return address. but i have my suspicians about who it is.
some days feel normal.
others, well...they just don't.
i really truly do miss you more than i can say.
i haven't painted.
i want to.
i need to.
i may have to just fucking force it again.
i have to find a way to get over not wanting to paint when the boys are around.
because the boys are ALWAYS around.
unless they're in school (and that's a short period of time for zan).
i have to get over the mental block and just fucking blow through this shit.
i think now that more time has passed since you died, i am starting to process more.
it's come and gone for me.
i think that's the only way i've been able to function. when it gets to be too much my mind just shuts it down.
and lately, it's been letting more get through. not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
i feel like crap, because i miss you, and i know many people expect me to be 'over' it and fine and perfectly happy at this point. but that's not how it works. for me anyway.
i think i am only allowed to process a bit at a time because if it were otherwise i really truly would just shut the fuck down. completely.
so maybe, when it all works its way to the top, just enough gets out. and then it starts all over again. i really do try hard, though, to make it all go away. because i want to feel normal again.
i love you.
and i miss you.
i am doing my best with our boys.

peace out, yo.

took callie for a walk at the beach yesterday.
more often than not, less is more.

jan sent me a card yesterday.
these are her words:

you're such a mixture.
cookie baker, mother, protector, rebel, artist, creator, dissatisfied seeker.

i won't post all of what she said. they are, after all, her words, not mine.
they are a personal exchange and i haven't asked her permission. i'm certain the part i posted she would be okay with.
but what she said to me?? she is right mother fucking on. she wants me to want to do things again. and sometimes i want to. sometimes i even do.
we all make choices then live with the consequences.
having an extremely difficult time with both of the boys right now.
usually it's just E.
i'm sort of shocked at the behavior i have seen out of alexander the last two days.
and i'm sad about it.
turns out, one of the hardest lessons for my boys to understand is taking responsibility for their actions. that was something james spent much time on with E. and he still doesn't get it.
i feel at a loss.
not sure what to do, exactly.
i need to find another therapist dude.
just haven't felt like it.

this year.

for santa:
sugar cookies, a glass of milk AND a poster made by E. he wanted santa to have something special.
for the reindeer:
leafy carrots and a bowl of water.
the roses were sent to me by my mom.
she is at my brother's this year for christmas.
perhaps missing all of us being together.
this year it is just me and the boys.
no family.
no friends.
just us.
the boys have been meticulously counting down the days until christmas. E drew a picture of a christmas tree AND a picture of me at the bottom. you can tell it's me. right? because of the spikey hair?!

today:
christmas eve walk on the beach with callie.
made and baked sugar cookies with the boys which they decorated.
bought carrots for the reindeer. (a must have according to E).
watched the video clip santa sent for each of the boys.
let me tell you.
E was one nervous little boy waiting to find out if he made the 'nice' list.
the kid was sweating.
he should have been.
tonight:
sitting by the lights of the trees.
watching a movie.
waiting for the boys to fall asleep.
so i can get the boys' santa gifts set up and in front of the real tree.
and fill our stockings.
if only i could take a hot bath. i so would.
going to bed early.
because you KNOW my early risers (how did that even happen when i am a night owl) will be up EXTRA early tomorrow.
sad? maybe, a bit.
it's different. not really good, or bad. just different.
i knew moving would force me to stand up, and handle what came along.
by myself.
it's a good thing.

an art journal page.

i haven't art journaled in 3 years.
until today.
took this photo with my iPhone in october.
i look like shit.
and it was shocking to me when i saw the photo.
i have admittedly abused my body over the last year.
not sleeping.
not eating right.
not eating at all.
or eating nothing but candy bars and drinking coke.
or the months that i drank red bull hardcore.
drinking more alcohol than i ever have before.
and the other things i've done.
that i don't care to mention.
i still abuse my body.
on a daily basis.
i am aware of it.
it doesn't seem to be something i can stop.
i know it's part of me dealing with james' death.
it's part of my i don't give a fuck attitude.
if it weren't for the boys i would have done way stupider things than just what i've done.
but i always remember.
i told james i would care for our boys.
raise them the way we intended.
it was nice to art journal.
page happened in 5 minutes.
it practically did itself.
wonder how long it will be before i art journal again.

things i like.

real tree that smells good.
















charlie brown tree.

i am over the christmas thing. the boys are not. so there ya have it. two trees. BOTH of which are in the small living room in the rental.

things i like:
sleeping.
coffee.
unexpected surprises.
nice people.
thoughtfulness.
the way it smells here.
boats.
people that make me laugh.
books (art, art history, boats and on and on).
letting go and being 'in' the moment.
if your life sucks, or parts of it anyway, let go and when good things happen...let 'em roll.
i especially like it when karma comes back around and bites someone in the ass. just sayin'. it's just.
my newest thing: obsession with home decorating mags.
i'm sure i'll be over it once i move into our house.
the signs of bonding i see between the boys.
yes, they fight. a lot.
but they do have their moments of kindness where the love shows through (though E would never admit it).
the freedom you get from shutting the shit down and walking away.
yes, it's there in the end. but you did get a nice little break. sweet.

apparently....

apparently my way of dealing with things is to pretty much NOT deal with them.
i get a flip attitude.
an i don't give a fuck attitude.
i do whatever it is i want to do that makes me forget.
i realized today, when i was oh so angry with ethan, that this angry person is not who i want to be.
taking care of the boys is swallowing me up.
it is no secret i struggle with being a mother.
i struggle with the amount of time and energy it takes.
with the constant-ness of it.
is that even a word?
if it isn't, it should be.
sometimes it really feels like it sucks the life right out of me.
and before you go gettin all up in my face about i'm lucky to have kids and blah blah blah....
yeah. i get that.
part of me is all about it.
the other part of me....not so much.
i was talking to one of the dudes building our house the other day.
he has 5 kids.
he's been married for 26 years.
when he met his wife she was pregnant (not by him) at 16 years old.
he loved her.
and took on another man's child.
they built a life together and had children together.
i told him his was a pretty amazing story.
that there aren't a lot of men who would do that.
he looked at me and said, 'it wasn't the kid's fault'.
he raised that child as one of his own.
why am i telling you that story?
to remind myself.
it's not ethan's fault his father died.
it's not alexander's fault either.
and they deserve better than i have been giving them.
E yelled at me tonight, 'why don't you just kick me out?!'
i calmly told him i will never ever do that.
that i love him.
that i will always be here for him.
but he has to understand he cannot continue to push me.
being so angry and disrespectful.
today was not my best day.
along with all of this alexander had his christmas recital at school tonight.
i loved watching him up on stage.
but at the same time, it made me so so sad.
because james just ate that shit up.
he LOVED being there for the boys.
going to their school functions, games....and everything else.
so it was glaringly huge tonight to me, that james wasn't there to see alexander up on stage.
and, as i've said a million times before, that is the saddest part about james' death.
that my boys, at such a young age, have to grow up without their father.
i watched as they looked longingly at other 'families' with a mom and a dad.
i had to turn away and breathe.
and dude.
i am mother fucking sick of that shit.

i am a firm believer.

i am a firm believer in appreciating what you have, when/while you have it.
do what you want.
sometimes that's hard.
do it anyway.
i am a firm believer in karma.
what goes around comes around.
there are a lot of assholes in this world. just sayin.
treat people well.
we soak up the energy of those around us.
most of my emotion remains inside.
you won't see it on my face.
usually.
i laugh, and smile....
but the real emotion.....i prefer to keep it deep inside.
but sometimes emotion escapes.
mostly it's when i'm tired, frustrated....and i have just absolutely had fucking enough.
i still haven't learned how to answer the inevitable question.
and what does your husband do?
and....your husband...is....where?
no one expects you to say he's dead.
pretty much everyone assumes you're divorced.
clearly they don't know me very well.
i'm not a negative person.
i sometimes wish i was able to show more emotion on the outside, instead of just feeling it all on the inside and dealing with it 'later'.
it builds up.
and grabs hold of me at inopportune times.
which pisses me off.
death is a beautiful part of life?
i'm not buyin' it.
i am not over it.
sometimes it feels as if i am living my life with a great big hole in it.
i am afraid.
i am lucky and i fully realize this.
and i absolutely try to never take anything for granted.
i am hoping one day to get my shit together.
to be able to paint again.
to be be less afraid again.
and i am trying my mother fucking best not to be sad right now.
to make this a good christmas for the boys.
we (the three of us)....we are enough.
we are all we have.
and we are enough.
when i decided to move here, i knew it would go one of two ways.
either the boys and i will be super duper close...or....uh....yeah. we won't.
because they are all i have.
and i am all they have.

i never claimed to be a good mom.

for many years i did not want to have children.
james didn't either.
then, somehow, (and at the same time i might add), we both decided we wanted kids.
i am not your typical mom.
i hate playing games with my kids.
i am ferociously protective of my kids.
if i don't know you, do NOT fuck with my kids.
but there are things i have noticed that other moms love to do, that i do not.
whatever.
being a mother is a constant struggle for me.
on one hand, i love my boys more than anything.
on the other, for so many years, i put everything into them, being here for them.
and it sort of sucked the life out of me.
that was part of the reason for my trip to thailand.
to get away.
not be a mom.
to hang with my girl peeps.
to paint, create and make blissful art....
and then, of course, right before i was scheduled to leave, james died.
that, of course, changed my perspective on life.
all the things i 'thought' were making my life so difficult...yeah. whatever.
those things suddenly became no big deal.
my boys once again became 100% the focus of my life (they needed so so so so much from me after james died). and they still do.
so now....about a year later....i once again find myself struggling with being a mom and then still finding time to just be me.
finding time to focus on something else.
to seriously just NOT be a mom, worrying about two little boys.....making sure they have what they need. and let me tell you. they need a lot.
kids are constant non-stop never-ending care, love, support blah blah blah.
i am feeling a little burned out.
and i'm kinda pissed at myself because now i want a real tree.
but i really really really don't feel like buying one, dragging it home and decorating it.
but then i worry that maybe i'm taking away from the joy and happiness the boys feel over christmas.
can you say neurosis??
i am so damn tired.
so fucking low on energy.
so fucking sad sometimes.
really happy at other times.
i know, as a single mom, i will never ever find any kind of balance.
i guess i should just give in to that and let it roll.
maybe that will help my perspective!

my house.

we are still scheduled to move in mid-march. looking forward to it. having a really really hard time living in the rental house. partly because we are living half packed/half unpacked. can't make the rental 'ours' because, well...it's not ours.

making a hundred million trillion house decisions. it's overwhelming. i am not complaining. i realize i am lucky i can do this. i just never realized exactly how much i relied on james for these kinds of decisions.

put up a cheesy white christmas tree. wanted something different this year though it really made me miss the smell of a real tree. went all martha stewart on it. silver and turquoise blue ornaments. a silver fairy/angel on top. it will be a small christmas for us. a different christmas. since i moved away from everyone, no one is coming here and we aren't going anywhere. it will be hard for the boys (they are used to mass chaos) and being surrounded by family. but it is what it is. this time of year makes me miss james even more, if that's even possible.

appreciating where i live. loving it. not loving being a single parent. but whatever. don't have any choice in the matter. crabbing season opened here a few days ago. i went to the beach the other day and watched the sun set. today i ate crab until i could barely move. gotta love that.

sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. back to waking up at 3am. or 4am. or 5am. and waking up a hundred times a night. a bit of sleep is a rare commodity. something i am grateful for when it happens. i try really really hard not to take anything for granted. smells, the way something feels....an hour or two of sleep....how blue the sky is....the fact it hasn't rained in a week. i love the rain. but even so, have learned to appreciate the blue sky (much more than i ever did) before i moved here.

really looking forward to being in our own house again. to making it ours. i like going over there, and watching the progress. the boys do too. doing that has helped make it feel like home even before we've moved in.

back to the christmas thing. it just doesn't feel like christmas. mostly because i am over it. only doing it for the boys. i have 100% totally and completely lost my joy and happiness for this time of year (which is sad because it used to be my favorite time of the year). went and bought a wreath so i could have the smell of a tree. thought it would help. but...uh....yeah. no. didn't help. love the smell....but i still am just over the christmas thing. related to being in the rental, too, i think. it just doesn't feel like christmas because the rental just doesn't feel like home. hard to not love the house you're living in while at the same loving the place you live.

time warp.

i haven't blogged in two weeks?!
unheard of.
but i haven't felt like it.
seriously not sure where the last two weeks went.
yesterday was alexander's birthday.
he turned 6.
he said the only thing that could have made his day better is if his daddy was still alive.
i have had this feeling.
a bad feeling.
and it just won't go away.
i often felt this way over the 10 years james was sick.
it meant he was getting worse.
it meant something bad was going to happen.
yes. i really truly do trust my instincts.
so this way i've been feeling......
it makes me uneasy.
i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.
could be the 'i fucking can't sleep' thing is back and maybe i'm just ultra sensitive to life.
or.....uh....yeah. that feeling, it just won't. go away.
i wake up a million fucking times.
AND...yeah....there's an and. AND...i wake up at 5am. no alarm required.
i just fucken wake up.
there are things i miss.
when i think about them i can't breathe.
if i don't think about them i am fine.

kindergarten art.

my first art lesson is now up on the wall outside alexander's classroom.
kid artwork is pure.
went in today for alexander's parent teacher conference.
it was my intent to leave james' death as much as possible, out of our new life.
that's an odd sentence, i know.
his death never goes completely away.
i am always trying to find balance between me moving on with my life, yet still actively helping the boys remember their father and what/who he was and what he would want for them.
so it was a bit of a surprise to me today when jennifer (alexander's teacher) told me that alexander told her yesterday that his dad died.
the subject came up becuse they were talking about some dad-related thing/project in class. alexander matter of factly told her that this did not apply to him because he doesn't have a dad. that a virus attacked his dad's heart and he died.
i thanked her for telling me what alexander said.
i asked her to let me know of any other things she might over hear/discussions alexander might have involving his father and his death.
i maintained my composure.
kept my voice even.
finished the conference.
the boys were with me, of course.
we got in the car and i drove to the river.
left the boys in the car (it was raining).
i walked.
i needed a moment.
i have said this all along.
the saddest part of james dying was the boys losing their father.
they are still so so so young.
what they have had to go through (and what they have lost) breaks my heart.
it's just not fair.
i will never ever understand it.

opoipo

alexander at the astoria coffee house.
a place i sometimes take the boys for a cookie and hot cocoa.
my dad had a heart attack and is in intensive care.
i am where i want to be (meaning astoria). i love it here.
but i do feel far away from everyone i know. duh. i am far away from everyone i know.
i miss having someone to take care of me.
not take care of me in the sense i can't do shit on my own.
that's not what i mean.
i mean.....someone who gives a crap if my day sucked.
someone to listen to me.
someone who will hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
someone who just genuinely cares about me.
and gives a crap if i am upset about something.
someone who takes an interest in me.
what i think.
what i have to say.
i can do the single parent thing.
i've been doing it for a year.
but i've gotta say, the boys suck the life right out of me.
being a parent is demanding.
nonstop support.
answering nonstop questions.
easing their fears.
making sure they know how much you love them.
that you WILL be there for them.
because they are afraid you will leave them like their father did.
they go to YOU for everything. because you are all they have.
and i can't seem to figure out how to recharge myself.
having some weird-ass dreams about james.
WHEN i sleep.
go to bed exhausted.
wake up exhausted.
my frame of mine is better here. no doubt about that.
i knew i would be presented with new issues.
like the isolation thing.
the hurt i feel about losing my relationship with jan.
it's not the same. not even close.
today (and yesterday) my emotions are very close to the top.
so not where i want them.
this is the point where i get pissed off that this shit just never goes away.
and then i do things.
that i shouldn't do.
at least that's my tendency.
trying to maintain.
really really missing james.
a little pissed off.
there are good things out there in life.
i am not going to settle.
don't know what it is i want yet.
but i do fucking know i will not settle for less than what it is.
i will not apologize for who or what i am.

wtf.

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.