my blog has been, in the past, the place i can put the crap.
to get it out of my head.
but lately, i haven't been able to think clear thoughts.
or if i have, i haven't liked or wanted to admit what they are.
which is unusual for me.
i know i am on overload.
getting ready to move again.
march 5th or 6th. or both.
my brother is coming to help.
haven't seen him since he helped move me initially.
never thought james' mom would actually come and see us.
but she is.
she bought a ticket.
never thought she would come before jan.
never, EVER thought that.
ganja hippy dude.
i think that's where it all started to get fucked up.
it was a trip (seriously like i felt like i was living someone else's life).
he pursued me.
would not give up.
wanted to be with me.
and by be with me, i mean he wanted us to get married and grow old together.
well, i'm already old. so older, i guess. ;-)
i went from forcing myself to go out with him (so i would know what it felt like)....
to realizing how much i miss having someone in my life.
someone on a daily basis.
someone who gives a crap about you.
someone to hold hands with.
someone to hold you.
someone to talk to. with.
someone to be intimate with.
and by intimate i don't mean sex.
i mean...someone to have a history with.
who knows things about you.
who gets the inside jokes.
who shares himself with you.
someone to speak to in that soft voice and someone who speaks to YOU in that same voice.
unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it)...ganja hippy dude had too many issues.
he was too intense.
could not understand 'go slow'.
it was all or nothing with him so i chose nothing.
he couldn't understand where i am coming from.
from being married to my best friend, the man i thought i would spend my entire life with....
to 10 years of james' illness, his death....now raising the boys....moving.....adjusting.
he just couldn't grasp i really needed to go slow.
there were other reasons i couldn't be with him, too, of course.
he just wasn't the right dude for me.
but it was hard to let go.
and that is hard for me to admit.
i think of myself as strong (most of the time).
but i really wanted to hold on to ganja hippy dude.
because he made me feel less lonely.
he 'wanted' to take care of me.
to help raise the boys.
but there was just something not right.
something i didn't feel with him.
he thought i was the one for him and couldn't understand why i wasn't willing to just jump in.
which is how i normally roll.
but wasn't able to with him.
that right there tells me he's not the right dude for me.
i just didn't want to listen to myself.
i think most of all ganja hippy dude made me realize i really will want to be with someone at some point.
that i'm not capable of living life and feeling all there is to feel.....without sharing it.
admitting that pisses me off.
i know james would want me to be happy.
but it sort of feels like (yeah...i know)...like i am disrespecting him, or unloving him.
which i'm not.
i get that. logically it makes sense.
just emotionally...you know, that's where shit gets fucked up.
afraid i might develop feelings for someone who doesn't have the same feelings for me.
now i can breathe.
for a little while.
been a pretty emotional ride the last few weeks.
not even sure why.
counting down the days.....
16 days until we move into our new house.
like seriously. HOLY SHIT.
i have to get our shit packed up again!!!