Thursday, January 07, 2010


hated the place i lived.
so i moved.
adjusting, figuring things out.
and it's all good.

alexander and callie walking (to the rental) from the bus stop today

it's weird, and i'm not sure i can explain it exactly, but i feel my old life slipping away.
on one hand, that's very sad. it makes me feel like i am losing james all over again.
on the other hand, it's good. i came here for a new start. a fresh place.
but it's sortta freakin' me out.
because i feel like it's all happening so fast.
since moving i haven't really talked to anyone about james.
yes. i know. i need a new therapist dude.
i'll work on that.
life is happening here.
even though it scares the shit out of me, and i literally spent friday night throwing up because of how bad i felt, the guilt i felt at contemplating and taking action to have a life without james, i am forcing myself to do shit. to move forward. even though i don't want to. i know i have to. i have to back the shit with some action. i DO have to move on. to show the boys what there is in life. how to do this.
just wasn't expecting how hard that would be.
it's weird for me to say i don't want to move on.
because for the past few months all i have said is that i DO want to move on.
but now, now that i see a little bit of life opening up to me....fucking scares the shit out of me!
and now i'm not so sure i want to do this.
it's amazing that you can feel so many conflicting emotions at once.
i am excited.
a little bit happy.
missing james.
wanting to open myself up.
but scared to do it.
that takes me to a whole new place.
one that i'm not sure i'm ready for.
a whole lotta guilt with all this.


Carrie K said...

You WILL figure it out
and it WILL be amazing!

love your toes in the sand...its where you're supposed to be!!!

QuirkyGirl said...

You know me and I speak in songs. I'm not exactly sure this is even appropriate, but it's what's in my head and something tells me you'll get it and not be's to hoping.

My dad has always said that when he dies he wants the Three Dog Night song The Show Must Go On played at his funeral. So many people find it kind of morbid, but I get it. I promised him that I'd do it.

His philospohy is yes, it hurts. and it's gonna suck for us who are left behind, but the show must go on. We have to keep living. It's sorta his theme song for himself.

I love that it has circus music in it. Isn't this life crazy? Why not circus music. But I love it most because it applies to so many aspects of life.

I hope you like it. Or at least get a chuckle from it.

Poppy said...

I feel that life always moves on. Even when life is just amazing and where you want it to will move on. One day you may sit back and see how much you have achieved..building a house!!! raising two Sons!!! and allow yourself to feel rather proud of yourself...but I can see how right now you are just giving, giving, giving...from the outside you seem to be doing such a great job..even if you don't feel it.

Leah said...

take it one day at a time...1 hour at a time...hell, even 1 minute at a time if that's what you have to do! breathe. and live your life the best way you will find the way...I know you! mwah!

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