a shout out to my girl shandy!

yeah. she's my girl. ;) lol.... shandy is one of the nicest people ever. she was kind enough to make my blog banner! woot! she rocks. she's a fab digi scrapper. she's a whiz on the computer. check out her blog here: http://johnandshandy.blogspot.com/
and her digi blog here: http://digitizedcreations.blogspot.com/
shandy sometimes has freebies on her digi blog. she's a generous person! shandy is swass. yeah baby. that's right. swass. lol..... shandy, make sure you tell john he really IS bringing back swass. lol... the two of you are some cool dudes. swass baby.

thank you shandy!!

i should be scrapping!

blog challenge #10: tell you about something i collect. honestly? i can think of only one thing i collect. christmas ornaments. whenever we travel we always seem to find a christmas store (and it's never christmas time). so we started buying an ornament from each place we travel to. i love christmas. and i love going into christmas stores. which is just odd because i hate to shop. it's kind of fun at chrismtas because when we decorate the tree we get to reminisce about our trips...what we did...where we were....what our lives were like at that time...this post would be much better with a pic or two but i don't have any pics of those specific ornaments (just our christmas trees in general). so instead i'll make you suffer through some random pics i came across tonight while i was looking for something else.

love me a b & w pic. this is alexander the last time we were in mendo (feb 2007). it blows me away because below i posted three pics of him when he was only three months old! seriously mind-tripping how much he has changed and how fast he is growing up.


























one of my fave pics of james and E. E is almost 3 here. first time we took him ice skating.

random nothings.

is it possible for my kids to literally drive me insane? i think it is. because they are. what am i going to do all summer when E is out of school? eeeeks. there won't be enough swimming lessons, soccer or other physical activities to keep him from going stir crazy therefore driving me absolutely over the edge! oy.

my father-in-law is in the hospital. no clue when he will get out. they don't even know what is wrong with him. well, they know some of the things (and they are being addressed and treated) but they think there is something underlying going on. that is what has them mystified.

E's first t ball game of the season is saturday. opening ceremonies are at 11:00 and then his game at 3:00. yippy for us. we get to go back twice. lol..

E turns 6 next month. we finally decided what we will do for his birthday. he wants to go to jump man jump. i have reserved (and paid for) the party. my mom flies in the day of the party. i need to plan the menu, figure out what to get him (we already got him a razor scooter) but want to get him something else too, send out the invites (but first E needs to decide whom from his class he wants to invite)......a surprisingly difficult task for a five-almost-six-year-old.

i still have noting creative flowing out of me. and it's seriously pissing me off. wth? well i know the cause...but come on.....things are calming down...why am i not able to reach in and pull out something absolutely fab?? humpf. i should go sit at my desk now. james is playing with the boys and i have about 15 free minutes. but instead, here i sit. lol... dinner cooked. dishes done. laundry folded.....alexander's bed made...he wet the bed last night :( oliver's ear cleaned...poor dog has yet another ear infection....alexander's clothes all clean and put away...dogs fed....maybe i should watch a movie tonight. try to quit forcing the creativity. it will return. at some point....

this is what i need.

sleep.
more sleep.
chocolate ice cream or a chocolate milk shake. a really good one.
permission (from myself) to eat like i used to. just for a day or two. but that ain't happening.
a break. from the mundane.
for the scale to say i lost weight when i get on on wednesday.
for my kids to quit being grouchy.
for E to get better (he's sick for the umteenth time since startking kindergarten).
for alexander to take a long nap today.
to get over this serious whatever it is. things are good and i just need to get over it.
for my car to be fixed (leaky/low tire and leak in the transmission seal).
for james to be rested. and well.
to feel like scrapping.


blog challenge #8: to use a blog entry and create a LO. no prob. was just thinking about doing that yesterday actually. there is one entry that pretty much sums things up. so. when i start to feel like scrapping again (i will...right?...feel like scrapping again?)...
then i'll do that LO.

i've got just the thing to cheer you up.

yes. this is my wedding. i love the dress. EXCEPT the big poofy shoulders. omg....what was i? a football player??? sheesh! lol..

i dated this guy who was in the coast guard. right before he left for bootcamp he took these 'sexy' pics of me to take with him. HAAAAAAAA! omg...the hair....the make up...the pink...i used to wear, get this...nothing but pink!!!


check me out yo! it's not so much the cheerleader outfit (yes i was in fact a cheerleader)...it's more the hair. can you see the side pony??? eeeeeeew!!














do you just love my peach colored dress??? GAG. actually all these pics together (dontcha just dig my hair)? can you say perm???? obviously i could. and yo. that is the dress my mom made me wear the second time she got married. yeah. thanks for that mom.

documenting my day.

woke up to alexander having wet the bed. :( poor little boy was very upset. so i'm washing everything! and i already had taken ethan's laundry downstairs. poor kid is almost out of clean clothes. then there's always dishes. made the boys waffles for breakfast. still haven't done the dishes. hey. i've got all day. i would take this kind of norm any time over the last few days so i'm not complaining. it's nice just to be even semi-normal. the pics look like crap...sorry about that. i normally edit everything. but alexander is using the computer upstairs and i don't have any photo editing software on my laptop. so...you get crappy pics! they weren't great to begin with. i'm sort of feeling lackluster and didn't want to sit there looking for the perfect shot of my 10 loads of laundry. lol... so it is what it is! i am going to go do stuff now. i have lots of 'stuff' i need to do!!

seriously??? seriously.

my mom calls. i'm being polite but not letting her in. why bother. so i'm about to hang up and she says, "you sound subdued." ya fucking think?!!!! seriously? this is what she says? i mean get a fucking clue. seriously.

just had to get that out. now i'm better.

i need sleep.

two days have passsed. two days. these days have been better than monday.

i have some projects i need to get done. problem is? i don't feel like doing them. i actually do not feel like scrapping. um...that's kind of a problem. so i'm going to sit at my desk tonight. and try to scrap. whatever comes out comes out. sometimes it takes me a page or two to get something i like. especially when i feel like this. which i have been feeling like for oh...i don't know...quite a while now. i just scrap through the crap. get it out. and eventually something strikes me and i can make something work. i did create this art journal page several days ago. i think it's appropriate. the journaling is long but really fits how i'm feeling.

create. not everything must be a masterpiece. the more you create the more your style will evolve, the more ideas you will have. it's okay not to absolutely love everything you make. create from what is within you. experiment...try new things. don't try so hard. let it go. don't stress and it will come to you. if you are struggling it's not right for you. it's all part of the learning and creative process. give yourself permission to let it come out. whatever it is. creativity may seem fleeting but it is always within you. the secret is knowing how to tap into it. play with an idea. if some of it works keep it. get rid of what doesn't. as long as you see something you like keep working it. when you don't, stop. don't force it. it is okay to take a break. long or short. my message is this: BE INSPIRED. create often and freely. be real. be true to yourself. believe in yourself. see the possibilities and then make them happen.

the page is based on a Natasha Wescoat painting and was in response to a challenge at scrapgal.

i can't seem to sleep through the night. or even barely at all for that matter. my sleep is not restful. it is restless. makes for long nights. guess i should go get some pics ready for scrapping. i have none at the moment ready for use. i guess that would be the first set in getting back into scrapping, eh?

and now i am home.

i'm pretty sure today has been the longest day of my life. at least in recent history. actually for the past few weeks my days have been full of long days. but today was....it was....almost other worldly. surreal. but now i am home. the boys are tucked in safe. they have their mommy back. grandma is back at home. isn't it strange how one day can feel like a week? or longer? i swear....the day isn't even quite over yet it feels like it happened a lifetime ago.

and so it is done.
the end of indecision.
the decision has been made.
it is the end of indecision and the beginning of living with the consequences, hoping the right choice has been made. because there is no going back.

today has just been the most incredibly difficult day. you can't even imagine.

while you can be a couple with someone, no matter what you are going through you ultimately end up going through it alone. at some point you are separated. yes...you come back together after it's done...but for that period....you are alone. one of you here and the other of you there. one experiencing one side and the other the other. each alone. did i mention that today has absolutely been one of the most suckiest horrible days of my life? well it was. and god how i tried to keep it away from the boys. to not let this touch them absolutely any more than it had to.

our lives have been forever changed today. for better? for worse? what more is to come our way? i don't even want to think about it. not today. i just can't.

i have never in my life ever felt so alone as i did today. i am independent. i do not like relying on anyone for anything. well...except for james for technical stuff. but come on. it's technical stuff and i suck at it. but for everything else? i am self-reliant. i've just had to become that. but sometimes i feel like it would be nice to have people there to help support me. i am sure to someone who doesn't really know me this post may seem dramatic. even cryptic. yes something is clearly happening here. and i'm not saying what. i'm just trying to work through all the craziness. to sort it out. it's hard.

ever wonder if you're strong enough for a situation? well if you ask me, there is no way to know until you're actually in a particular situation. you deal with what comes. when it's happening you do what you have to to get through it. you feel so much isolation, loneliness, helplessness, and many more emotions. you struggle to find your way out of the drowning sea of all that is coming at you. and you do. one way or the other you do. you have to.

i should be in bed. i am truly exhausted. i have never felt my body shake like i did today. seriously. and to know that it may not be over. but hoping that for now...at least for now....that it is. so that we have time to regroup before being hit with anything else.

i couldn't wait to get home and just hold my boys. i needed them tonight. and they needed me. they had a rough day too.

.....crazy talk......

this LO was for my challenge at ScrapGal yesterday.
the challenge was to use gel medium on a LO OR make journaling the focal point of a LO. i did a LO for both but only feel like posting this one. the LO is meant to be simple with mellow colors (love that 7 Gs pp). really wanted the focus to be on the journaling but i do love the semi-muted color the pp gives the page.

the day is not playing out how i imagined it would heh. there's a surprise. today was to be my sleep in day. i'm tired. and it's my own fault. the only time i have to just be, or to create, is late at night when everyone is asleep. so i stay up late every single night. well i can feel myself dragging. more than usual. so james was going to take the boys out this morning. um....didn't quite work out. lol... alexander is not feeling well so he's clinging to me. with a death grip. so james and E are off hunting for rocks. let the back yard landscaping season begin. omg how i hate working in the back yard. so anyway...i was going to go get some groceries. we're out of food. but alexander is being so difficult i don't even think i will venture out of the house!!!

so instead i will post a LO, take a shower and try to get some things done around here i guess. whatever i do i will just try to keep myself busy. need to do that to get through the next few days.

today is my mom's birthday. happy birthday mom. if you weren't on the coast enjoying a quick weekend getaway i would call you. maybe i'll have the boys sing you happy birthday and leave that message for you for when you get back. you need a cell phone.

people say they will be there and help you when you need it but when it comes right down to it, they just don't. you ultimately end up handling things totally on your own. they are busy with their own lives and though their intentions might be good when it comes down to it it just doesn't happen. they think they've volunteered. gave it a galant effort. so it's all good. well i'm not so sure about that.

on one hand if i forget about what is happening life can seem normal. but if i even let myself think even for a second it's almost too much to handle. overload. so now i'm going to get off the computer and go do something. something to keep my mind busy.

dude. nice hair.

did this today in about 10 minutes. totally jen harrison inspired. doh. it's bam pop. but i wanted to do something totally out of character for me. this is clean. there is no paint. but i dig it. i actually really like me some bam pop. i should use it more. btw, that's ethan when he was about three and a half. omg he was SO cute. now he's handsome. at five (he'll be six next month) now he looks so grown up. i love this pic. so totally ethan.

i'm trying to get my groove back on. i can't scrap worth a crap lately!! i know it has to do with what's going on here (take a deep breath) but $#%& it's pissing me off!!!! lol....

okay. now on to shandy's challenge (#4). what do i do when i don't think anyone is watching? hmmm. that's a tough one. pick my nose? um...no. lol..... actually i look at myself in the mirror. not because i think i'm beautiful. i look at me and try to see myself the way other people see me. sometimes when i look in the mirror i see someone who is sad. sometimes i see someone who is happy. sometimes i see someone who looks old and i say to myself, holy crap! who is that?! sometimes i see someone who is tired. no make that always. and instead of going to bed now i'm going to go watch the holiday. woot. and eat popcorn with nothing on it. i've got snack fever SO bad today. didn't help that i took the boys to krispy kreme this morning. they so needed to get out. i didn't even eat a donut. but boy did i want one! anyway...off for my movie!

where does the time go?

i blink and two days have gone by. yet they seem like such long days. how does that work anyway?

shandy has taken over the blog challenge at scrapgal (http://www.scrapgal.com/). if i wasn't so lazy i would make that link look better. her question today is 'was there ever a fad i had to be a part of'. i would say in high school that was a big deal to me. but as i've gotten older i just don't care. i'm pretty much a loner. and i pretty much don't care what people think. i'm not anit-social, just do my own thing. sometimes people see that as being too out of the norm. sometimes i think people receive me as being anti-social, but i'm not. shy...yes. anti-social...no. ~raises eyebrows and rolls eyes~ i really do just do my own thing. it's better that way.

i've been neglecting my blog.

doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day. sometimes i just don't make it here. i'm semi taking part in a blog challenge at scrapgal. yesterday's prompt (hence the semi taking part part)...10 things that make me happy. these are in no particular order.

1. sleep (good uninterrupted don't wake up once during the night kind of sleep)
2. scrapping. a GOOD got it goin' on kind of scrap.
3. chocolate
4. my husband and children
5. the ocean
6. travel
7. good friends
8. painting (oil on canvas)
9. cuddles, belly, lovey and kisses
10. freedom (the ability to go and do things)...it becomes more difficult once you have children

i've been thinking.

it's when things get crazy that we appreciate the mundane in our lives. life is fleeting. it takes a second......less than a second.......to change our lives forever. i am fully aware of this. and i fully appreciate that today was a normal day. no unexpected things happened. there is much to be said for this.

now, given what i just said, i seem to find myself in a sort of funk. yes. again. i can't even scrap. and it sucks ass. i'm just not feelin' it.

one thing i wish for? to stay up as late as i want and to sleep in as late as i want. but that will never happen. that's just not my life right now. i'm just pretty darn tired of feeling like i'm always running out of time. no time to scrap (unless the kids are in bed...unless the things i 'must' do are done). i'm always just fitting things in. makes it hard to be truly free and creative. at least if you ask me. which no one did. but suffer. lol.. it's my blog.

let me just say again how much i do appreciate that nothing bad happened today. i really do. i just wish i could hope for a little bit more than that in my life. some pure joy. some exhileration. some....well...something more. i am not trying to be ungrateful. i appreciate what i have and i appreciate every day that is not filled with fear and worry. i just one day hope to have more than that in any given day.

down 33 lbs.

progress is sooooooooooooooooooooooo slow. i'm doing my best to be patient. down a total of 33 lbs. woot! only prob is...it now takes two weeks to lose what i used to be able to lose in one! SO frustrating!!! i must stick with it. i must stick with it. i must stick with it. think that'll help??? lol...

i'm an idiot.

i really am an idiot. i actually thought my mom might offer to help me with something. something i once offered to help her with. well i was wrong. instead i got the 'it's all about me' thing. why is it that everything i talk to her about ends up ultimately being about her, how she's already gone through that and this happend and that happened...and blah fucking blah. should i be surprised? absolutely not. just wishful thinking on my part that it might be different this time. oh well. lesson learned i guess. do not call my mom for support. it ain't gonna happen.

just turned off A Good Year. can you say boring??? omg. seriously. total bummer too. i needed a movie to take my mind away. so much for that. i could scrap. but i feel too tired. i just wanted to zone and forget. to not think. guess i'll go to bed. i do have an early 6:30 am wake up call. every single morning. but hey. i shouldn't complain. james gets up at 5:30. off to bed. hopefully the man turned on my heating pad so my little feet don't freeze. when is summer coming? so i can complain about being hot. you know...never happy....

the surreal life.

no. not the television show. my real life. that's how i've felt today. it's been one of those days that just doesn't seem real. but it is.

you know the one thing (only one? who am i kidding) that freaks me out? that i am the adult. that whatever is going on in my life, i still must be the mother to two little boys. that no matter how crappy, tired, scared or whatever i happen to feel i still have to function and care for my children. are you serious? wow. um. just how do i do that? AND not lose my patience. that's the really hard part.

3 current LOs.

did these 3 LOs for the ScrapGal march newsletter.

'free spirit' was done to go along with my article (a technique-driven blurb) about how to sand, paint and journal right on a pic. not an original idea but one that hadn't been done (at least to my knowledge) in the SG newsletter. the LO has no patterned paper or cardstock.

'savor the beauty' is one of my fave pics from our trip to mendo. there is something about a black and white pic. especially one of the ocean. i dig how i photoshopped the pic. good deep contrast.

'savor every moment' is also a pic i took while in mendocino. it's actually a pretty good pic of the boys. love it. anyway, these three LOs were fun. i especially love 'savor the beauty'. there is something about the yellow color (james calls it the mustard page) with the black and white pic and the black swirly stamps (which are rhonna farrer stamps btw).

and why in the hell my LOs look like crap on blogger i'll never understand. is it photobucket? is it blogger? whatever it is it pisses me off. lol... ~sigh~ if i wasn't such a computer retard my LOs would post right.

so this is where i sit on a friday night. the boys are having a treat (they are watching spongebob) with james. i think i'll watch a flick tonight. or scrap. got new goodies from scrapgal today. woot!! happy weekend.