i'm trying to spend less time on the puter.

that's one of the things i decided i needed to do while i was in chicago.
i also need more trips like that.
more 'kimberly' time to help balance the never-ending 'mom' time.
it was SO good for me.

i'm thinking about taking a long break from scrapping. long like more than a few days or weeks. i'm thinking of dropping out for a while.

i'm watching music and lyrics. back to it. then bed.

i'm back!

yup. back from chicago. i have much to say about the trip but not tonight. for tonight i leave you with these pictures which dina was kind enough to let me have.

here we are! carly (owner of scrapgal), dina (DT coordinator for SG) , anja wade, me, celeste and jennifer.

the next pic is carly, me, jennifer, christi, celeste and dina. really a great time. it was good for me to be away from the boys. i missed them but i needed some time. i have more to say. but later. i'm trying to spend less time on the computer. something i've decided i need to do.

i will say carly is one of the nicest people ever. if you haven't yet checked out scrapgal, you really need to. best service ever and carly often has things no other store does. jennifer is a riot. christi is great. celeste? where to start. love her! and dina..so talented (was guest designer for hambly last month). she is a blast. very funny. okay...need to finish grocery list. i'm shopping in the morning. we're heading out (camping for the weekend with friends) though we'll be back early sunday to attend our neighborhood's block party!

i was feeling artsy.

wanted to scrap all day yesterday. it just didn't happen. and last night (about midnight) i just couldn't take it anymore. sat down and created this. its' messy. it's child-like. it's a reminder for me. it says, 'it's okay to smile. the earth probably won't stop'. yeah..well...it was supposed to also have the word 'spinning'. lol... just didn't fit. and i didn't care. that's what art journal pages are for. to have fun. to play. to express yourself with no restraints, no limitations, no boundaries. it was fun. made my heart race. that is such a rush. SUCH a rush.

anyway...i'm off to CHA tomorrow! woot!!! hanging with some great peeps. hope to see so much (CHA and chi-town).....have lots and lots of laughs, some care-free time, some good food and hopefully a starbucks somewhere in there! i'll miss the boys and james terribly. now i must go pack. tonight i absolutely must load up on cuddles, lovies and kisses!!!

memorable birthday?

well....i would have to say my birthday that's coming up in september....it's gonna be great. it was supposed to be a surprise. and it was for a while. but really james isn't great at keeping secrets (i love you) but he did do pretty well at keeping quiet about hiding money....hmmm.....

anyway...for the last two years he's been skimming money out of bonus checks, etc., and recently purchased for the family (for my birthday specifically) a week long trip to disneyworld. it's a while away. but hey. it's something to look forward to.

what sweeter man is there in the world than one who surprises his wife (and kids) with a trip to disneyworld for her birthday. and we're doing it right. great place to stay, great places to eat, enough time so the boys can sleep when they want to and we don't feel like we have to rush rush rush. i'm really looking forward to it!

a few weeks ago james and i were in the front yard sitting together. he took out of his pocket an itinerary and handed it to me. i was confused at first....just wan't sure what it was. he had to explain it to me! then we madly started planning the remaining things that needed to be planned. we talk about it every day. the boys don't quite know what disneyworld means. but they'll find out. september will get here eventually!

irish dance anyone?

july in reno is all about artown. on an almost nightly basis there is some sort of 'art' event happening. well tonight we went to the wingfield park ampitheater and enjoyed two hours of celtic music and irish dance. my friend kathryn's two girls, ashley and emily were performing. it was a lovely evening. a late one...the boys JUST got to bed (it's 11:00)....but it was so fun to watch the girls dance. the boys ran around, danced, watched the show....it rained (for two seconds). it was cool...a nice breeze....just a fabulous summer night.

then....the instructor of the dance troop asked for volunteers to go up on stage to learn a few steps. well alexander was all over that. he was quiet about it. but i could see it in his eyes. when i was little i remember being so shy and scared that i would sit quietly and watch (so badly wanting to take part) but never doing it. so up onto the stage alexander and i went. we didn't take a camera. but nana did. and she gave it to james. there ARE some pics. just have to get them from nana. alexander had SO much fun. it was hard for me....i still suffer from being such an introvert. but it was worth my discomfort to see alexander dance, laugh and smile. i so wish i could post a pic with this...once i get them from nana.....

59 days until my birthday surprise.

59 days. better than 60. but it's still too many days.

i want to eat chocolate chip cookies. did you get that? plural. cookies. badly. so i settled and had one bite. humpf. now the question is.....can i keep myself out of the bag until they are gone? i put them in the freezer. i'm way less likely to see them if they're in the freezer. out of sight out of mind? lets hope.

now. on to the ice cream. took the boys with me to the store this morning. we needed quite a few things. well....lately the boys have been having an ice cream cone after dinner as their after dinner treat. so today they asked for more ice cream. i let them pick out 1/2 gallon each. but come on. i'm only so strong. right? one picked chocolate. hello! the other? chocolate chip. oh...yeah...we threw in some mint chocolate for good measure and a 1/2 gallon of cookei dough (totally for james). ice cream with vanilla? really not worth eating. so now i have a freezer full of ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. what i need is a padlock. yeah. that MIGHT help.

a little of this and a little of that.

had a good weekend. camping with friends. lemon drop martini (or martinis)...um...yeah....that would be plural.....played some cards....just got out of the everyday. the boys hung out with kathryn, mike, ash and em while we went to a wedding then we went back. they swam, played hard and were exhausted! nana and poppa were there. always good to see them. barbara made the most awesomely delicous choc chip cookies. oh my god. i couldn't stop eating them. it was like the flood gates had been opened!!! holy crap she's ruined me! now i need....NEED i tell you...more choc chip cookies!

james made his oh so delicious pot stickers when we got home on sunday. mmmm mmmm good!

sent in E's soccer form. he'll be playing fall soccer. found out who his teacher will be. school starts aug 27th! first grade. holy crap!

getting my hair cut and toned on wednesday. can't wait. it's tooooooooooooooooooooo long.

oh...and it's freaking HOT here. ICK. please please please please don't let me AC stop working! i should get downstairs. i'm hiding. heeheehee....the boys are downstairs with james. aaaaaaaaah. :wink:

clean and graphic or...messy?

i sometimes think making a clean page is much easier than creating my usual style of page. and this is strange because i used to think creating a clean page was much, much harder. maybe my clean page sucks and that's why it just came together. i know it's not my fave. but it has clean lines and from time to time i seem drawn to clean lines. which is just so....odd!

so i created the clean page. then created the messy page. i like the messy page. way more than the clean page. it's more me. but, as i said, from time to time i just like to mix it up a little bit and just let whatever comes out...come out...and not worry about it. so there ya have it.

had a great 4th of july. just hanging out with james and the boys. not having to do anything, be anywhere....we had a water fight...family over for a bbq....family nap....went to san rafael to watch the fireworks...it was good. talked about going to the lake but we just weren't in 'rush rush and get ready mode' so we didn't!

i'm a little late...but i've been tagged!

My roommate and I once: never really did anything with a roommate. i had one once....but we didn't really hang. it was purely for financial reasons.

never in my life have I: done drugs of any kind.

High school was : sucky. very hard time in my life. i was pretty much on my own. my parents were wrapped up in their own messy lives. my brother and i fell by the wayside.

When I'm nervous: my mouth gets really dry and my voice shakes. i hate that.

My hair is: about to get cut and conditioned. it's also the shortest it's been since i was 8.

When I was 5: my kindergarten teacher's name was mrs. springer. i still remember her. i also remember painting (easel and everything) in my kindergarten class. good stuff.

When I turn my head left: my neck hurts. my neck has been hurting since yesterday.

I should be: in bed. instead i'm going to go scrap for a while.

By this time next year: i hope there is a cure for dilated cardiomyopathy. hey. a girl can hope.

My favorite aunt is: not close with any extended family really so i don't have a fave.

I have a hard time understanding: intolerance and hatrid.

You know I like you if: i don't freak if you touch me. i've got a thing about being touched by strangers and/or people i don't know very well. ICK! i'm also very very very shy. i will be very very very quiet until i get to know you a bit. once i feel comfortable there will be no shutting me up. :wink: i think people misunderstand my being shy and think i'm rude or i don't even know...but i'm not rude. just shy!

My ideal breakfast is: i love bacon, fried eggs, omlets, english muffins, hashbrowns, pancakes....all that really really good stuff that's really really bad for you! so i rarely eat it. but when it do, it's such a treat. yum!

If you visit my home town: if you consider where i'm currently living as my hometown....if it's winter i'll take you skiing. there are some primo resorts here. if it's summer i'll take you to lake tahoe.

If you spend the night at my house: be prepared to be accosted by callie. she loves people and wants everyone to scratch her butt. woof woof. james will make you the best lemon drop....EVER. we'll scrap...laugh...eat...whatever you want!

My favorite blonde is: alexander! little freaky blonde kid. :wink:

My favorite brunette is : um....i dunno. i have always been partial to brunettes. always thought i would marry a very dark-haired guy. weird.

The animal I would like to see flying besides birds: uh.....this question takes way too much brain power!!!

I shouldn't have been: so angry at ethan today. holy moly did we have a morning!!!

Last night I: watched some of rescue me (on dvd from netflix) and went to bed way too late. i should have scrapped. i need to get all my assignments done by the 18th.

A better name for me would be: no clue. just do not....do NOT call me kim. eeks. i actually can't imagine being called anything other than kimberly. however, it's not my favorite name.

I've been told I look like: i'm not sure that i've ever been told that i look like anyone!

ever feel like you have nothing to contribute?
that's how i feel right now.
like i am invisible.
like no one hears me.
why do i struggle with this so much?
why are my emotions so jumbled up right now?
why do i feel like withdrawing into myself and never coming out?
why do i feel like i am, as the saying goes, a day late and a dollar short? i put effort into something thinking this time i will have something to contribute.....but guess what. the 'usual' doesn't happen and things go in an entirely different direction and i, yet again, have nothing to contribute.
i am in such a foul mood at this very second.

on a separate note....
i am sad for my father-in-law.
sad for my husband.
sad for my mother-in-law.
and i'm tired. tired of worrying.
tired of feeling like i'm just hanging on by a thread.

sometimes you just don't realize how much stress and worry there is in your life and then it crashes around you. i just want some happy times. and to not have to think about the 'next' thing that will happen.
aren't i a cheery person tonight?
um....yeah. that would be a no. lol....

i've been paged. time to ride bikes. seems the neighborhood is out and we're joining the fun.

now it's...

73 days until my birthday surprise.

hoping good things will happen today.
hoping the boys will get along.
hoping.....i could go on. but i must go get ready to take the boys to their swimming lessons.

september is too far away.

75 days until my birthday surprise.
75 long days.
i'm not good at waiting for things.
james, i'm feeling a little down. do you have anything in your pocket for me?

yesterday.

eye all better? check.
scrapping? check. (one page anyway).
nap? check. (short but hey. i'm not complaining).
surprise date lunch with james? check. the boys played at grandma's with their cousins. it was SO nice.
left overs/rummaging in the fridge for dinner aka not cooking? check.
starbucks for breakfast with james and the boys? check.
yesterday was a very nice day.

perspective.

it's all about perspective.
and i'm getting some.
some way.
some how.
i need an attitude change.
i'm aware of it.
i will make it happen.
i just will. (she says as she sends the oldest to his room for his attitude) ~sigh~
but i will. i have to.

is this what crazy feels like?

one minute i don't think i can take any more stress and i'm losing it.
the next? i'm fine. totally fine.
am i going crazy? james would probably say yes.
am i just overtired?
or is it something more.

i know that tonight is better than last night.
last night at this time i was in urgent care with james. he was debilitated by extreme pain. and had been since 6pm. that's three hours. possibly the first migraine he's experienced. guess we'll find out. now 'imaging of his wee little brain' is required.
i mean seriously. people. what couple...what two people both end up going to urgent care on the same day? was that for real?
home by 10:00. at least we got to go home. follow up later this week.

i want to end on a positive note tonight. because i have been a down in the dumper kind of girl lately. and i need to stop that.

i'm happy i have air conditioning. because it's been freaking hot. when inside i have been comfortable. for that i am extremely grateful.

i'm happy james wasn't sent to the hospital last night. it could have played out that way.

i'm happy i have a home to call my own.

i'm happy i have an ipod because i'll be using it on my flight to chicago next month. speaking of which.........will i get over the guilt of leaving the munchkins? i know they will be fine. it's just alexander i worry about. he's still pretty little. and asks for mommy a lot.

the thing i wish? that chicago wasn't the only upcoming trip i...me....personally had planned. i would like to find out what life is like outside of being a mother. i feel i devote much of my time to the boys. i've sort of lost myself in the process.

i'm just happy to be at home....with my family....and i'm about to go read story before tucking the boys in for the night. hopefully the rest of the night will be uneventful. i like uneventful.

freak out!!!!!!!!!

there's a song.....from a long time ago....it's playing in my head. i cannot for the life of me remember who sings it. james something or something james...rick james...yeah. that's it. i think that's it anyway. anyone remember that song?

well...i freaked out today!
1. because my eye freaking hurts like a mo fo. bacterial conjunctivitis sucks. 'nuff said.
2. because my family practitioner's office is f' ed up. i called today to get an appt (i needed antibiotics for my eye). i don't run to the doctor every two seconds. i just don't. i go when i really really need to. and today i did. BUT.....since i haven't been there in three years...well....they didn't have a current chart. so they decided to classify me as a new patient. WTF? i am NOT a new patient. why does this matter you're asking? well....if i was an existing patient (which i am), they could have seen me at 11:10. perfect. right after swimming lessons with the boys i'll head over to the dr. only it didn't work out that way. since i'm now 'a new patient' and i'm freaking pissed....very very pissed.....well...now they don't have an appointment time for me. an existing patient gets 10 minutes. a new patient requires 20 min. so no appt for me. seriously?
note to self: remember to call dr. ornellas' office when i am NOT sick to schedule an appt. huh?! yeah. that's f' ed up.
3. so i call james....i'm more than a little upset. i'm losing it. happens when i'm over tired....when i've been sick for six days...one thing after the next...i'm freaking driving with one eye closed because it hurts so much...so yeah. i'm a little distraught. poor james. he caught the brunt of it.
4. i get to swimming lessons (which is where i was driving to while talking to james). um......he shows up a few minutes later. lets just say it didn't go well. he was angry at me....wanted me to go to urgent care....i wanted to find out how much more that cost than my regular dr.....some tense moments......well i ended up going to urgent care. all i wanted was some antibiotic drops. now i have 'em.
5. but i feel bad. james took four hours off from work...all because of me....dropped off and picked up my prescription.....told the boys he would take them to lunch (for having to wait in urgent care)....so we did that....but i really just wanted to go home...my eye freaking hurt....
6. yeah. do i sound like i had a good day? james didn't either. for that i am sorry. i shouldn't have freaked out. it's all good now....but damn. i'm still pissed at my fam practitioner. believe me i am.
7. i've had two doses of antibiotic drops. i can actually remove the cloth from my eye for more than two seconds now. tomorrow i will wake up and it will be much better. i'm sure of it.
8. tomorrow i will leave james alone so he can concentrate on work.

ps: thanks for putting gas in my car yesterday james. that's just what i needed.

one of my fave pages.

did this page on wednesday. it just came together. i really like it. slapped down a HS mask, finger painted around it. then when it dried i machine stitched around the mask and finished up the page. i love the colors...the feel...and yes. i'm having a love affair with heidi swapp right now. i used a HS mask, ghost punctuation, tape and alpha stickers! the pp is mustard moon (phonebook paper) and the other pp is k & co and i'm in love that that paper too. i will so be using the big piece i cut the small pieces from some time soon.

journaling:

will i ever learn?

why do i keep tryin?

will there ever come a time when i will stop?

lets just say this is an ode to my father and leave it at that. lol...

not sure if it's just me that likes this page. it's that perspective thing again. but in the end i guess it really doesn't matter. what matters is that I like it, right?!

where do i start.

the last two days? unbelievable.
i am sick as a freaking d.o.g.
sore throat.
achy body.
yeah me. not. guess i finally got something....not what every other member of my family had...at least there's no throwing up. knock on wood....omg i hate throwing up.
didn't think i could make the drive home today. seriously. slept two seconds last night. i was hot. then cold. i was sweating....then freezing.
and i spent an amazingly large amount of time with my dad's wife. why. why?! yes...i knew i would see her. but i did not go TO see her. i went to see my dad. who knew i was coming. who ASKED me to come. so why is it he wasn't even home when i got there? i arrived at 10:30am. he arrived at 4pm. WTF. i just shake my head. seriously.
then when he got there he left. ran an errand. for another hour. i sure spent an amazingly large amount of time by myself while 'visiting' my dad.
note to self: do not go back to my dad's.
more note to self: at least i tried. but i really don't think it's worth trying more.
i could go on. and on. but i'm just not going to. i'm going to go take a hot bath.
i am supposed to be at a birthday party. but i asked james to come home from work and take the boys for me. every inch of my body thumps....and hurts...and aches.....
i just hope i can sleep tonight. in my own bed. in my own house. where i belong. where i can control my life. at least a little bit.
where i won't feel like i'm an outsider and unwanted. does my dad really not care? or is he just not capable to expressing ANY form of emotion. the never-ending question. seriously. why did i go to my dad's? it had been a couple of years since i'd been there. i don't belong there. and i say that every time i come back from his house. when will i learn?

rushing to get out the door.

my entire day will be thrown off kilter if these things are not done.

1. fill up my water bottle (which i take out of the freezer). it will be full of ice (half way up). fill it the rest of the way up with water and voila. instant very very cold water. me likey.

2. grab my bag and/or any mail that needs to be dropped off at the mailbox.

3. make the boys go pee pee. no. not potty. it's PEE PEE in this house.

4. make sure both kids actually have shoes on their feet and that alexander's are on the right feet. he's notorious for putting his shoes on the wrong feet.

5. make the dogs go outside through their dog door. don't want them running out while i back out of the garage. don't want to run them over. doh.

the good news?

i'm already packed. the bad news? we're not going. now alexander has it.
ethan was sick. throwing up miserable don't want to do anything kind of sick friday night/sat morning.
then all was well. for one day.
yesterday comes. i hadn't gone to bed yet (it was 12:30 am) when i hear alexander making 'the' scream. i knew it was all over when i heard the scream. the agonizing my tummy hurts i'm throwing up scream.
nothing like washing a complete bed at 1am. the poor little dude is currently in my tub.
so much for going to my dad's today. happy birthday dad. we'll try again some other time.