smores and jellyfish.

in case anyone doesn't get this, my scarcasm is my defense mechanism.
it is how i keep you out.
it is how i don't show you my true feelings.
it stems from a flip attitude.
if you care about nothing nothing can hurt you.
i am scarcastic by nature.
i would guess to some, it seems extreme.
i think people don't get it.
they think holy crap. wtf.
they see it as me being angry.
they don't understand it for what it truly is.
because of this i am often amused at people. by people.
their responses to things i say and things i do.
i laugh when things are funny.
that is pretty much the extent of emotion you will see from me.
when the fluffy make me gag emotion starts to come out i make it stop.
sometimes i am quiet.
i am always thinking.
i freak out if i don't have access to the internet (and some sort of news on a daily basis).
i giggle when i drink.
i am shy.
painfully shy.
but once i get to know you there is nothing i won't say or do.
i hate being in large groups of people.
when i am in a group of 4 or more i basically shut down.
i can't deal.
if i love you there is nothing i won't do for you.
i am not mean.
i try to be in tune to those around me.
to be kind. and caring.
polite.
so get a fucking grip people.
my scarcasm has been a big part of how i have dealt with james.
i am harder now.
yes, that is true.
which is sad, actually.
but i am also not hard.
if i ever let my guard down i know what would happen.
because i feel things so strongly.
i am afraid of what would happen to me if i let my guard down.
because of how i do things.
how i just jump in.
it's like this constant struggle.
me wanting to live all out.
but not being ready for that.