Wednesday, February 25, 2009

freedom.

since james died i have discovered freedom. sort of.
i was happy with james....being married to james. he was my best friend. we had something amazing.
i can 100% honestly and unequivocably say that james was the best thing that ever happened to me. i wouldn't change any of the time we had together.
i knew what a fucking amazing man i had. but when the virus attacked his heart....our lives changed. we didn't let his heart take over our lives. we lived our lives. but there were limitations. james physically could only do so much. i worried. he worried about me worrying about him. stanford appointments (for heart transplant evaluation), VO2 tests, echocardiograms, checking the pressures inside his heart, heart biopsies, the defibrilator being implanted into his chest, him needing to sleep, being so tired all the time. it took its toll. on him. on me. on us. but we were more than that.

but now...now that james isn't here, i am free from that worry.
unfortunately, in its place, i miss him. intensely.
i am rediscovering how to live life by myself. making decisions based on what i want and think is best. (of course taking the boys into consideration).
i make no apologies for laughing, or having fun.
for drinking vodka....martinis....or whatever it is i might drink. on occasion.
i do not give a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do.
i do, however, care what people think about my art. ya got me there. my art is important to me. it's personal. and that is the only aspect of my life where i truly care what people think.
here's the part where it gets complicated. and i so do not groove on complicated.
being a single parent...my life is all about the boys. even more so than before james died. duh.
that's where i have a hard time. i do not want to get lost in doing nothing but care for the boys. i need more than that in my life. but i also know how important what i do right now and HOW i do it is...with regard to the boys. i get that. i so get that.

that is where my problem is. part of me is all about that. then there's this other part. the other part that screams to get out....in little ways...little things i do that i shouldn't be doing. if enough of that part of me gets out...i can maintain. i know this sounds crazy. but trust me. i am not crazy.

i am doing what i need to do. a lot of what i want to do. which is good. if i was doing everything i wanted to do, we would already have gone back up the oregon coast. oh hell, we would have already moved...somewhere! i wouldn't be waiting until april. the sooner i check out places, the sooner i can find a new place to live. so i am not being irresponsible. i am loving my boys. taking care of them.

in all of this, i say what i want to say, how i want to say it.
why wouldn't i? it is a waste of time and energy to do anything else.
and if i want to do something, and it's not going to hurt the boys, or me...then i will fucking do it.
some will read this post and think, holy crap...she's angry. no. i am not angry. just tired of living my life to other peoples' expectations.

quite frankly, i think i am doing well. i am doing everything i possibly can for the boys. E is seeing the school counselor, the boys are going to the solace tree....they are in grief counseling....i am dealing with (and better than most other fucking parents...) E's issues at school. the girlfreiend thing...i put a stop to it. i brought it to light, addressed it...made the school aware of it. i am VERY in tune with my boys. and i'm not blowing smoke up my own ass (that saying makes me laugh). i really am in tune with them. and it is my hope that i always will be.

so...yes, there is this other part of me. that wants to ditch responsibility. will i ever do it? no.
but i will do the things i can, the things that I WANT to do, that help me get through this....over it...until i find my way totally out. and more than that, i won't feel guilty for doing it.

9 comments:

Marieke said...

For this post you get a standing ovation from me.

Patrice~ said...

kick it, girlfriend.
you'll always have my support.
unconditionally.

Noelani said...

your paintings are amazing! I love to see what you have created! Such Talent!!!!

Carrie K said...

can we party?

i wanna be irresponsible with you rockstar girl :)

jensmack said...

You rock, sistah. Don't feel guilty about feeling the way you feel.

(did that make any sense?)

Have I told you that you rock?

And I adore you!

mary said...

I am sorry I have been so lame on telling you how much I liked the lemon painting I bought from you, it is beautiful.... I framed it in dark green and it looks fantastic. I am just as lost or found as you and I understand the freedom. When Chris was diagnosed terminal after 9 months of fighting I knew the answer even though it was death. I really am sorry for the delay kids are demanding in my life and all else comes after as you well know...

mary said...

I am sorry I have been so lame on telling you how much I liked the lemon painting I bought from you, it is beautiful.... I framed it in dark green and it looks fantastic. I am just as lost or found as you and I understand the freedom. When Chris was diagnosed terminal after 9 months of fighting I knew the answer even though it was death. I really am sorry for the delay kids are demanding in my life and all else comes after as you well know...

mary said...

sorry on the double click.....

Sherine said...

I have been so busy, I apologize, you know I am here.

I was skimming tonight through your blog. I love this entry. I love seeing you strong and telling everyone that you are.

You rock!