Saturday, February 07, 2009

keep your mind open.

keep your mind open.
sometimes i make myself read things that i have no interest in. just in case that has changed. and now i do. how else am i gonna know.
i'm pretty sick of saying this. today has been an emotional day. like holy fucking crap. enough already. are ya kidding me? i'm sick of this shit.
for some reason, the more time that passes the more i seem to be feeling. i think it's because at first i shut down. couldn't process it all. and now it comes to me in bits. and they suck. i just want to not feel this way. everyday is not like this. but the days that are? they suck. maybe this is a sign of healing.....or at least the very beginning stages of it....you know, the fact that i am able to process some of this now. who the hell knows.
i think all this suck-ass emotion has something to do with sleep deprivation. yes people. i am working on that. insomnia for me has been a long-term thing. not just since james died. it is just intensified now.
thought about james today. duh. like i don't think about him everyday. i just felt so empty. it's hard to describe but it just takes my breath away sometimes. the intensity of emotion...that feeling of sadness....loss. but i made it stop.
it's because alexander talked about james non-stop today. and yesterday. which is good for him. just not particularly good for me. today anyway. i have to support the boys...answer their questions...talk about james...they need that. and i want to do that.
jan has a sixth sense.
she called me today.
we went out for dinner. then we went to a movie.
it was good to talk to her. i can say anything to her. no judgment. she gets it. all of it.
it was good for her to talk to me. for me to hear about what's happening with her.
she gives me persepctive. makes me see the other side of things that i sometimes forget.
doing my best not to forget things. important things, anyway. heh.
and now i am going to bed. hoping NOT to wake up at 5am. because that's been the newest sleep thing. waking up at 5am. even if i go to bed at 3am. putting myself in the right mindset for a good night of sleep.

4 comments:

Jody said...

Just sending you some love. Use it as needed...

Misty said...

It sucks that it has to hurt to heal.
I can vouch for you...you have always been a nightowl, lol! But you need some sleep. I hope you find it soon. Exhaustion is a horrible thing.
Yay for good friends. I'm glad you got out and had a girls night! <3

Sarah said...

I am so sorry that you are not sleeping. Any time you want to come to Oregon and relax let me know. We would love to have you.

Blessings

Lisa said...

Huge FH's girl
You are working through it
And don't let ANYONE tell you that what you are feeling or expressing isin't the norm
There is no timetable nor is there a manual for grief.
You are here
You are breathing
And loving your kids and meeting their needs even though it hurts like hell.

Are you meeting your needs?
Probably not
But that will come
In the mean time...you are doing a DAMN fine job

Love you