Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Rev It Up List Blog!

so so excited and honored to be mentioned by The Rev It Up List blog. check it here. thank you linda.
this is a painting i just added to my etsy shop. you can check that out here.
with the death of your husband come many things.
many weeks of life feeling surreal.
life feeling very real. so real it makes you sick to your stomach.
amazing kindness from total strangers. people who heard about you from someone else who heard about you from someone else. people are good. caring. amazing. for everyone who still comes here...(those who leave comments and those who don't)....thank you. it's actually been pretty amazing, to read what everyone has had to say over these last four months. and yes, i have read every single comment.
along with all of this you then have to deal with your finances.
it's been almost four months since james died. i am getting things under control. figuring things out. one of the things i had to address was what to do with james' truck.
today, a friend came over. he is going to help me sell the truck.
i don't want to sell the truck. to me it's a part of james. crazy, i know. it's just a truck. i realize that.'s also more than that. alexander asked me why i am getting rid of daddy. so then i had to explain (again)...that that's not what i am doing. how do you make a 5 year old and a 7 year old understand.
the cd that james had playing in his truck...which i took out today...was me first and the gimme gimmes. he actually went to see them a couple of months before he died. dean, he had a freaking good time. i'm so glad you guys went.
james' watch was in the truck. the watch that i gave him for christmas two years ago.
it sort of jolted me when i found it. not even sure why. that is definitely something i will save and give to one of the boys when they are older.
today has been yet another fucking emotional day. and i am quite frankly, getting sick of emotional days. yeah. like that matters. can't make it stop. but i wish i could.
i'm looking at today as taking a step in the right direction. moving forward. making decisions. and gettin' on with it.
seriously. life is a freakin' trip. never in my life would i have imagined this is where i would be and this would be my life. but it is. so now it's up to me to change it from here forward. to make it what i want it to be. if only i could figure out exactly what it is that i want it to be. but i'm working on it. and that's at least, something.


Marieke said...

Ouch. "getting rid of daddy". That will have been so hard to hear. And your watch comment made me think. Do the boys have something that belonged to James? Something to hold on to. A little piece of him other than his photo or a memory? Just a thought... I know it helped me to physically have something to hold on to when the grief got too overwhelming. (if you remember I was 6 when both my parents died)
Anyway, glad to hear you're moving forward. Even if it may not feel like that. You'll work it out eventually and magically things will start to fall into place.

And can I just nag a little? Only because I care about you. Seriously I am not passing judgement here. I think you know me well enough to know that. (and besides I like to get sloshed at times as well) Will you please consider seeing a doctor to get something to make you sleep? I worry about your and the boys' safety with you getting by on so little sleep. Sleep deprivation and alcohol are a bad mix K, especially when you're driving...

Anonymous said...


children have such a hard time with loss. Their world has half-emptied... a void is there without words, wisdom, or adult maturity to fathom what comes next. To have so much on your shoulders during the same time make it even more devastating as are their single anchor in life now.
This posting seems to be the first ray of light I have seen in your postings... many of us wish there was a way to help alleviate your pain, suffering, loss, confusion, anger and so much more that comes with the loss of James. Unfortunately, there isn't.... other than our words, being there to listen (or read in the virtual world of blogs), and hope that more sunlight.... hope.... with help you figure out where you want to live and do... when you are ready... and the boys are ready.

I sat back and wondered what a 5 yr old.. or 7 yr old would feel if a parent died... the desire to hold onto everything 'solid' and left. The perception of needing to move forward (I hate the term "move on" as if we leave someone behind when they are still part of us).

Be strong, my friend, it's one day at at time. You will make it... you are strong! That is obvious in your posts, your travels to the coast, and your art!


~Amie~ said...

it is so hard to move forward and deal with things like his truck. When my bro passed a couple of years ago, it was almost a full year before his wife was able to let my other bro deal with "the truck". Hang in there kimberly- you are doing an amazing job! HUGS!