ever feel like you have nothing to contribute?
that's how i feel right now.
like i am invisible.
like no one hears me.
why do i struggle with this so much?
why are my emotions so jumbled up right now?
why do i feel like withdrawing into myself and never coming out?
why do i feel like i am, as the saying goes, a day late and a dollar short? i put effort into something thinking this time i will have something to contribute.....but guess what. the 'usual' doesn't happen and things go in an entirely different direction and i, yet again, have nothing to contribute.
i am in such a foul mood at this very second.

on a separate note....
i am sad for my father-in-law.
sad for my husband.
sad for my mother-in-law.
and i'm tired. tired of worrying.
tired of feeling like i'm just hanging on by a thread.

sometimes you just don't realize how much stress and worry there is in your life and then it crashes around you. i just want some happy times. and to not have to think about the 'next' thing that will happen.
aren't i a cheery person tonight?
um....yeah. that would be a no. lol....

i've been paged. time to ride bikes. seems the neighborhood is out and we're joining the fun.

now it's...

73 days until my birthday surprise.

hoping good things will happen today.
hoping the boys will get along.
hoping.....i could go on. but i must go get ready to take the boys to their swimming lessons.

september is too far away.

75 days until my birthday surprise.
75 long days.
i'm not good at waiting for things.
james, i'm feeling a little down. do you have anything in your pocket for me?

yesterday.

eye all better? check.
scrapping? check. (one page anyway).
nap? check. (short but hey. i'm not complaining).
surprise date lunch with james? check. the boys played at grandma's with their cousins. it was SO nice.
left overs/rummaging in the fridge for dinner aka not cooking? check.
starbucks for breakfast with james and the boys? check.
yesterday was a very nice day.

perspective.

it's all about perspective.
and i'm getting some.
some way.
some how.
i need an attitude change.
i'm aware of it.
i will make it happen.
i just will. (she says as she sends the oldest to his room for his attitude) ~sigh~
but i will. i have to.

is this what crazy feels like?

one minute i don't think i can take any more stress and i'm losing it.
the next? i'm fine. totally fine.
am i going crazy? james would probably say yes.
am i just overtired?
or is it something more.

i know that tonight is better than last night.
last night at this time i was in urgent care with james. he was debilitated by extreme pain. and had been since 6pm. that's three hours. possibly the first migraine he's experienced. guess we'll find out. now 'imaging of his wee little brain' is required.
i mean seriously. people. what couple...what two people both end up going to urgent care on the same day? was that for real?
home by 10:00. at least we got to go home. follow up later this week.

i want to end on a positive note tonight. because i have been a down in the dumper kind of girl lately. and i need to stop that.

i'm happy i have air conditioning. because it's been freaking hot. when inside i have been comfortable. for that i am extremely grateful.

i'm happy james wasn't sent to the hospital last night. it could have played out that way.

i'm happy i have a home to call my own.

i'm happy i have an ipod because i'll be using it on my flight to chicago next month. speaking of which.........will i get over the guilt of leaving the munchkins? i know they will be fine. it's just alexander i worry about. he's still pretty little. and asks for mommy a lot.

the thing i wish? that chicago wasn't the only upcoming trip i...me....personally had planned. i would like to find out what life is like outside of being a mother. i feel i devote much of my time to the boys. i've sort of lost myself in the process.

i'm just happy to be at home....with my family....and i'm about to go read story before tucking the boys in for the night. hopefully the rest of the night will be uneventful. i like uneventful.

freak out!!!!!!!!!

there's a song.....from a long time ago....it's playing in my head. i cannot for the life of me remember who sings it. james something or something james...rick james...yeah. that's it. i think that's it anyway. anyone remember that song?

well...i freaked out today!
1. because my eye freaking hurts like a mo fo. bacterial conjunctivitis sucks. 'nuff said.
2. because my family practitioner's office is f' ed up. i called today to get an appt (i needed antibiotics for my eye). i don't run to the doctor every two seconds. i just don't. i go when i really really need to. and today i did. BUT.....since i haven't been there in three years...well....they didn't have a current chart. so they decided to classify me as a new patient. WTF? i am NOT a new patient. why does this matter you're asking? well....if i was an existing patient (which i am), they could have seen me at 11:10. perfect. right after swimming lessons with the boys i'll head over to the dr. only it didn't work out that way. since i'm now 'a new patient' and i'm freaking pissed....very very pissed.....well...now they don't have an appointment time for me. an existing patient gets 10 minutes. a new patient requires 20 min. so no appt for me. seriously?
note to self: remember to call dr. ornellas' office when i am NOT sick to schedule an appt. huh?! yeah. that's f' ed up.
3. so i call james....i'm more than a little upset. i'm losing it. happens when i'm over tired....when i've been sick for six days...one thing after the next...i'm freaking driving with one eye closed because it hurts so much...so yeah. i'm a little distraught. poor james. he caught the brunt of it.
4. i get to swimming lessons (which is where i was driving to while talking to james). um......he shows up a few minutes later. lets just say it didn't go well. he was angry at me....wanted me to go to urgent care....i wanted to find out how much more that cost than my regular dr.....some tense moments......well i ended up going to urgent care. all i wanted was some antibiotic drops. now i have 'em.
5. but i feel bad. james took four hours off from work...all because of me....dropped off and picked up my prescription.....told the boys he would take them to lunch (for having to wait in urgent care)....so we did that....but i really just wanted to go home...my eye freaking hurt....
6. yeah. do i sound like i had a good day? james didn't either. for that i am sorry. i shouldn't have freaked out. it's all good now....but damn. i'm still pissed at my fam practitioner. believe me i am.
7. i've had two doses of antibiotic drops. i can actually remove the cloth from my eye for more than two seconds now. tomorrow i will wake up and it will be much better. i'm sure of it.
8. tomorrow i will leave james alone so he can concentrate on work.

ps: thanks for putting gas in my car yesterday james. that's just what i needed.

one of my fave pages.

did this page on wednesday. it just came together. i really like it. slapped down a HS mask, finger painted around it. then when it dried i machine stitched around the mask and finished up the page. i love the colors...the feel...and yes. i'm having a love affair with heidi swapp right now. i used a HS mask, ghost punctuation, tape and alpha stickers! the pp is mustard moon (phonebook paper) and the other pp is k & co and i'm in love that that paper too. i will so be using the big piece i cut the small pieces from some time soon.

journaling:

will i ever learn?

why do i keep tryin?

will there ever come a time when i will stop?

lets just say this is an ode to my father and leave it at that. lol...

not sure if it's just me that likes this page. it's that perspective thing again. but in the end i guess it really doesn't matter. what matters is that I like it, right?!

where do i start.

the last two days? unbelievable.
i am sick as a freaking d.o.g.
sore throat.
achy body.
yeah me. not. guess i finally got something....not what every other member of my family had...at least there's no throwing up. knock on wood....omg i hate throwing up.
didn't think i could make the drive home today. seriously. slept two seconds last night. i was hot. then cold. i was sweating....then freezing.
and i spent an amazingly large amount of time with my dad's wife. why. why?! yes...i knew i would see her. but i did not go TO see her. i went to see my dad. who knew i was coming. who ASKED me to come. so why is it he wasn't even home when i got there? i arrived at 10:30am. he arrived at 4pm. WTF. i just shake my head. seriously.
then when he got there he left. ran an errand. for another hour. i sure spent an amazingly large amount of time by myself while 'visiting' my dad.
note to self: do not go back to my dad's.
more note to self: at least i tried. but i really don't think it's worth trying more.
i could go on. and on. but i'm just not going to. i'm going to go take a hot bath.
i am supposed to be at a birthday party. but i asked james to come home from work and take the boys for me. every inch of my body thumps....and hurts...and aches.....
i just hope i can sleep tonight. in my own bed. in my own house. where i belong. where i can control my life. at least a little bit.
where i won't feel like i'm an outsider and unwanted. does my dad really not care? or is he just not capable to expressing ANY form of emotion. the never-ending question. seriously. why did i go to my dad's? it had been a couple of years since i'd been there. i don't belong there. and i say that every time i come back from his house. when will i learn?

rushing to get out the door.

my entire day will be thrown off kilter if these things are not done.

1. fill up my water bottle (which i take out of the freezer). it will be full of ice (half way up). fill it the rest of the way up with water and voila. instant very very cold water. me likey.

2. grab my bag and/or any mail that needs to be dropped off at the mailbox.

3. make the boys go pee pee. no. not potty. it's PEE PEE in this house.

4. make sure both kids actually have shoes on their feet and that alexander's are on the right feet. he's notorious for putting his shoes on the wrong feet.

5. make the dogs go outside through their dog door. don't want them running out while i back out of the garage. don't want to run them over. doh.

the good news?

i'm already packed. the bad news? we're not going. now alexander has it.
ethan was sick. throwing up miserable don't want to do anything kind of sick friday night/sat morning.
then all was well. for one day.
yesterday comes. i hadn't gone to bed yet (it was 12:30 am) when i hear alexander making 'the' scream. i knew it was all over when i heard the scream. the agonizing my tummy hurts i'm throwing up scream.
nothing like washing a complete bed at 1am. the poor little dude is currently in my tub.
so much for going to my dad's today. happy birthday dad. we'll try again some other time.

i've been tagged!

i have been tagged by the oh so fabulous rachael.

These are the rules.... each person starts with 7 random facts about themselves on their Blog. People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves and post the rules as well. At the end of the blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. i love love love love deadliest catch. at first i didn't like sig but he's growing on me and is now one of my faves.

2. i must have something on my feet. i probably have 10 pairs of slippers. i perfer slippers to socks. i don't like to sleep with socks and slippers i just take off and hop into bed. maybe if i swept more often i wouldn't mind going barefoot??? hmmm. ew, huh. it's really not that bad. or....maybe it is. i'm not sayin'.

3. i once set a forres fire. it was a total acciddent. me and a couple of friends. hey. don't act like you've never done anything bad. i was 8. or younger. who can remember. what i do remember is my dad was the arson invstigator sent out to investigate the fire. yeah. do i need to say more? maybe i do. no people or animals were hurt. it was a very small fire. so relax.

4. i will not eat broccoli raw or overcooked. i will eat it when it's still crunchy but has been cooked a little bit. weird, huh.

5. our dogs have middle names. seriously.

6. for much of my life i did not want to have children. neither did james. but that changed. for both of us. and now we have two fab little men.

7. i love a good chocolate milkshake. i like to make them really really thick but then not drink them until they are a bit melted. now that i'm writing these things down about myself...um....i think i'm weird!

because i am lazy...and don't want to take the time to link up 7 fab peeps to tag....hey.....i'll admit it....i'm lazy....if you are reading this and have not been previously tagged, consider yourself tagged now.

feeling posty today i guess. either that

or i'm bored. yeah. i'm bored. sick child all day? not fun. house-bound? not fun. didn't even make it outside today. E took...what....10+ baths. only thing that made him feel better. here's to hoping he sleeps tonight and none of the rest of us wake up in the middle of the night puking.

now. on to what's on my mind.

submitting. which i have done NONE of in ages. first of all, how do people freaking find the time? i guess i'm not good at time management. thought i was. but maybe i'm not. i hadn't even looked at calls for at least three months....until today. and i doubt i will submit anything. i will at some point....probably...just not now.

submit and forget. that's what i like to do. it sure would be nice if i submitted and didn't have to forget! if anyone reads this, i am so not looking for 'you're good blah blah blah'. i'm just thinking. inside my head but out loud in type if that makes any sense.

there are so so so many talented and awesome scrappers out there. makes me feel out of my league. not sure what i can do to raise my confidence level. well first of all i guess i would need to be able to scrap something that is not total and complete crap. which is all i can make of late. bad scrapping funk. bad bad bad.

here's the thing. i look at someone elses' pages and think immediately i really like it...or...well...of course i don't like everything. not everything is 'my' taste. but what i'm getting at is i can immediately look and say, 'wow. i really like that.' so. why can't i determine if i like my own pages? i used to be able to. i used to make a page and think...yeah baby! good stuff! now? um...no. i look at it and think......hmmmm..... then i put it aside until later when i look at it again and again say hmmmmm. what is wrong with me?!

oh i know. i need a break. well here's the thing. i don't WANT a break. i want to scrap. so what is my issue?! being tired? no objectivity? those things and more? who knows. what i do know is i want to get my scrap on and then either really really love what i've done or really really hate it. either way i just want to have some definite feelings about the pages i create.

here's to hoping i get that back someday. seriously. what is going on with me?!

i'm sure this is long now. and i should pay attention to boy #1 anyway. he's laying on the floor now with his mario. if only mario had the magic power to make him feel better and sleep through the night, huh?! okay. i am truly rambling now. seriously seriously bored today!!!!!!!

dirty jobs.

at 3:30 this morning i hear E literally screaming 'mommy'. he was on the verge of throwing up (which he of course later did) and not in the toilet i might add. mike rowe? you got nothing on a mommy on her hands and knees cleaning up vomit at 4 in the morning. i so did not sign up for that when i decided to have kids. did i? i don't remember that part.

wasn't the last time he would throw up either. he's on bath #10 (i think...who can remember). poor guy is so not feeling well. i just gave him a popsicle....he needs some fluid. that counts. doesn't it? he says he's hungry. had a bit of broth and noodles. then headed to the bathroom. again. i think he's going to stick to the popsicles for a while. i would too.

my day is not going how i planned. funny how that works.

i just hope alexander is not next. can it just pass the rest of us by? please? the boys and i are supposed to be going to my dad's on monday. or are we. time will tell.

we will be having a family nap today. yes. all of us. i just really really really hope no one else will be throwing up today. or tomorrow. she says as her tummy hurts. maybe i won't eat anything for the rest of the day. just in case.

it's friday.

day two of E being home for the summer. yeah. day 2? ONLY day 2? yes. he's a little on the difficult side of late. oh joy.

off to take a shower, get E's hair cut (mohawk here we come).
go to the landscaping place for some slate.
go to old navy too.
yeah. which ONE of these things will we get done? because i assure you it will only be one.

supposed to have a girls' night tonight. i have a feeling shelley won't be able to make it and we'll reschedule. bummer. we'll see.

weekend plans? working on the front yard. again. we're getting closer to being done. at least we see some progress. having shelley and jacob over for dinner sunday to celebrate shelley's birthay. that's it. nothing spectacular. but hopefully good.

5 things i'm grateful for today.

1. two healthy and happy kids. i am thankful for that every single day. there was a time when my OB freaked me out about alexander maybe having downs. and after he was born (he didn't have downs)...but when he was about 9 months old they thought he might have a hole in his heart. he didn't. truly scary times.

2. the big hubby man. yes...james...if you're reading this. you're a pain in the ass but i love you anyway. you lurker.

3. chocolate. 'nuff said.

4. that my car is finally fixed (after two months).

5. my little muffin (alexander) sitting right next to me as i type this. he's cuddling and keeps grabbing my face and giving me THE best kisses. ever. i freaking LOVE his kisses and how sweet he is when he comes to give me lovies. i also love his sweet little voice. so much. yes. i love ethan too but he's not sitting right here with me. ;)

yesterday was the day.

ethan graduated from kindergarten. here he is getting his diploma. that's mr. paul (principal) and mrs. armstrong (his teacher).

what's up with the hat you ask? kid won't take it off. keeps the hair out of his eyes. why don't i get his hair cut you ask? oh....well....you see......the kid is stubborn. is refusing a hair cut. who is the mother you ask? and who is the child? hmmm. well...i would be the mother. just not wanting the meltdown of the century. so i waited it out. the good news? he is now ready for a hair cut. this past weekend he asked me if he could get a mohawk. a hawk? sure. just do me one favor. wait until after graduation. and he did. so in the next few days E will be sportin' a new do. the hat may be retired. MAY. we're not sure yet. he's very attached to it. he sleeps with it next to him in his bed. i'm guessing the hawk won't make the final cut. he may just go spikey. we'll see.

why isn't E dressed up and appropriately ready for prancing across the stage you ask? kid wanted to pick out his own clothes. i was torn about that. wanted him dressed up. but i have a thing about parents that dress up their kids and prance them all over the place. so i decided this. the kid has very limited power in his life. so i ultimately decided i was fine with him picking out his own clothes and him just not being dressed up. just not a battle worth fighting. this is E. i wasn't thrilled....but hey. if this is the least offensive choice he makes in his life i'd be ecstatic. i'm sure it won't be. but i'm trying to get used to the times when he will make choices i don't 100% agree with. i want to let him grow...to make some of his own choices...whether i like them or not. it's how he will grow. how he will become strong. how he will become who he will be.

today was the last day of school. seriously? am i ready for this? probably not. especially since tomorrow (our first day of no school) my sil asked me to watch her three youngest children. i kow i'm not ready for that. five kids. all day. on the first day of our summer? oy. don't get me wrong. i do love my nephews. i would just rather love them in shorter portions of time. ;) guess we'll be going to the park. not sure what else we'll be doing. guess i'll figure it out tomorrow.

i wish i had more....

i wish i had more sleep because i am freaking exhuasted.
i wish i had more time to scrap because i'm tired of scrapping only late late at night.
i wish i had a housekeeper because i am sick to freaking death of cleaning my house.
i wish i had more engery because....well.....i'm just tired of being so freaking tired.
i could go on. but i won't because the boys want to go out and ride bikes. in the freaking wind.

soaking up the sun.

doing some yardwork.
soaking up the sun.
jammin' to some beastie boys.
alexander is still sick.
E is still coughing (but getting better).
it's hot. freaking hot.
did not make it to the grocery store this morning.
guess we're going out for dinner.
need to scrap. bad. probably won't. no time. too much to do.
# of times i've applied sunscreen today? 3. i'll do it again after i feed the boys their lunch.
amount of joy i take while doing yardwork? 0. none. Z.E.R.O.
amount of joy i will take when the front yard doesn't look like crap? lots.
pulled weeds out of the backyard. i freaking hate yardwork. did i mention that?
good time last night with mary, liz and shelley. kids all played. good food. some wine.
off to make the lnchie munchie. boys are hot and hungry.