kind of a long post.

james was 28 when he was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy/congestive heart failure.
he was sick for 10 years.
i will forever be grateful he was in my life.
he was THE best man i have ever met.
i don't know what other words to use to describe him.
he was just it for me.
i thought we would be together forever.
we have been through a lot together.
while there was much good in our lives, there was also much stress and worry during the 10 years he was sick.
i have a lot of healing to do.
i know for sure i have to get out of here.
i feel stuck. i don't belong here.
to change that, i need to take the next step.
and actually move.
therapist dude and i had a chat about expectations and labels.
he now knows some of the things i have done since james died.
and surprisingly enough, he was down with much of what i have done.
doesn't think i should feel guilty.
i thought i didn't feel guilty.
but apparently i 'think' i should...and have been spending time wondering why i don't.
therapist dude was specifically trying to diagnose (or not diagnose) me at our last session.
out of 7 areas, only two are of concern to him.
which is pretty good.
considering my frame of mind on a daily basis. ha.
the last three days have been strange.
first E got sick.
then alexander.
then me.
we had to cancel our plans for the 4th.
which is a fucking bummer.
it's been isolating.
barely being able to get out of bed yet still taking care of your sick kids can do that to ya.
not wanting to move...but having to clean up puke...while puking at the same time yourself.
so not fun.
james was the only person i could rely on.
now i have no one i can rely on (the way i could james).
yet i have people relying on me (the boys).
listening to dave matthews.
and coldplay.
the tv on in the background with no volume.
i know that somehow i will figure all this shit out.
and will do it with very little guidance or support.
actually the guidance i get now comes from therapist dude.
and the support i get comes from jan.
having trouble sleeping tonight.
tomorrow i'm hoping to feel well enough to leave the house.
the boys need not to be home-bound.
hopefully we will all be well tomorrow.
i have thought about making my blog private.
because it really is just for me.
to leave my thoughts.
to help sort through them.
it is not a place i wish to be judged.
by a person who doesn't leave their name....but posts anonymously.
by a person who doesn't know the full story behind some of the things i write.
james and i were self-sufficient.
he was my family.
he was the person who cared for me.
loved me.
made things better.
he supported me through it all.
i did the same for him.
we just went together.
belonged together.
and now i don't have that.
and i'm trying to readjust.
so for anyone reading what i write, and judging me...i shake my head.
have you been in my shoes?
if you had you would not be judging me.
going to try and sleep.
with my iPod jammin some tunes into my mind.