Monday, July 06, 2009

the tv is on but there is no volume.

for the last few months i have been walking around not really giving a crap.
and it shows.
i have found myself not smiling at the person at the target checkout counter.
and i used to.
my overall demeanor/temperament has changed.
i'm not sure if it's spending time with therapist dude.
or me just figuring shit out.
or nothing at all.
maybe i have been angry.
no. i know i have been angry.
but i thought it wasn't so much at the forefront.
but there have been small changes in my outlook.
my flip attitude has taken over. completely.
my friendly demeanor has become less-friendly.
this is the last thing i want to show/teach the boys.
this is not who i am.
i keep saying fuck, get over it. deal with it. it happened. now get on with it.
and i thought i was dealing with it.
maybe i have been.
in teeny tiny chunks.
i feel like when james died, some of my gentleness was ripped away.
some of my care and compassion. my ability to understand....feel empathy.
it made me harder.
less open to the world.
less open to kindness, to being kind.
i've been sad...and helping the boys deal with their sadness and grief. and anger.
part of my problem is how deeply i feel everything.
including sadness. and anger.
it literally can take my breath away.
i need to get back to my core.
i will never be the same.
but i also don't need to become someone i don't recognize or want to be.
i am still in control of how i handle this and what i do from here forward.
what comes around goes around.
i believe in positive thinking/energy.
i need to be able to bring about a sense of peace for myself.
and for the boys.
i will focus on how to change my situation. our situation.
am i all the sudden going to morph back into the person i used to be?
hell no.
i'll still be angry more than i should be.
but i am aware of it.
and can take small steps to change it.
took off alexander's training wheels today.
i taught him how to ride with two wheels.
and two wheels only.
he was so happy.
so proud of himself.
it was adorable.
and sad.
but i tried not to focus on the part where james wasn't there to see it.
hoping to be back to 100% tomorrow.
haven't puked all day. yay.
3 days of not eating.
here's to gettin on the scale in the morning.
and that totally made me laugh out loud.


Eva in Eugene said...

I have been thinking quite a bit about your last post. This new post also made me stop and think and reflect. There is no 'recipe' for recovering from the shock of losing James. There is no set timeline, process, or other program to follow. You are trying to define your own path while in a fog, a storm of emotions, of loss of your "other half". It sounds like some of the fog is clearing and some sunlight is sparkling through.
I am thankful that you have a therapist to talk with... to go totally alone with two young children is more than most people can do without having an extremely strong family base all around them. Even with the strong family base, a therapist can help one learn to cope.

There is NO answer forum for your pain, so seeking out the path yourself is such a sign of strength, determination to protect the boys and yourself, and a sense that you must decide what will work for YOU as you are the one leading the family now. It sucks... stinks, and all those other lovely words.

I hope that you can find a location where you can thrive and grow and find your creative energy again. I am heading to the Oregon Coast for 3 days and look forward to taking my own son onto the beach and just listening to the ocean. Good for you for exploring places to live where your whole family can thrive.

Healing does not come in large, smooth chunks. It is connective tissue slowly stitching broken and torn parts back together. Scar tissue develops, but the healing continues. Your wounds are deep and painful. It will take time to feel better- just noticing that it is happening in tiny chunks, with some regression, then forward movement- that to me is fantastic. When you see this path, you are not in the fog- lost- but rather beginning to see your own path.

Keep on trying and working to move forward. From what you have described of James, he would want this for you and the boys.

If you end up in the Eugene area, even for a brief amount of time, please let us know!

Jody said...

I know I haven't been around Numchucks in a while, but I just wanted to remind you how much I care for you. I have a cyber-hug waiting for you whenever you need it...

and I'll punch anyone in the face for you... I got your back.

Dawn~^i^Brandon^i^, Jordan, and Seth's mom said...

You are doing your best...and that is good. Just keep breathing this breath, and then get to the next.

Always thinking about you and praying for you and your prescious boys here on the other coast!

Violet said...

I love the title. Total metaphor.
<3 Vi

Leah said...

you will come back...give it time...and by that I mean you don't have any control over how long it will take...but it will happen...anger is easy and that is what you need right now, but the kind and gentle kimberly will return...I love you!