for the last few months i have been walking around not really giving a crap.
and it shows.
i have found myself not smiling at the person at the target checkout counter.
and i used to.
my overall demeanor/temperament has changed.
i'm not sure if it's spending time with therapist dude.
or me just figuring shit out.
or nothing at all.
maybe i have been angry.
no. i know i have been angry.
but i thought it wasn't so much at the forefront.
but there have been small changes in my outlook.
my flip attitude has taken over. completely.
my friendly demeanor has become less-friendly.
this is the last thing i want to show/teach the boys.
this is not who i am.
i keep saying fuck, get over it. deal with it. it happened. now get on with it.
and i thought i was dealing with it.
maybe i have been.
in teeny tiny chunks.
i feel like when james died, some of my gentleness was ripped away.
some of my care and compassion. my ability to understand....feel empathy.
it made me harder.
less open to the world.
less open to kindness, to being kind.
i've been sad...and helping the boys deal with their sadness and grief. and anger.
part of my problem is how deeply i feel everything.
including sadness. and anger.
it literally can take my breath away.
i need to get back to my core.
i will never be the same.
but i also don't need to become someone i don't recognize or want to be.
i am still in control of how i handle this and what i do from here forward.
what comes around goes around.
i believe in positive thinking/energy.
i need to be able to bring about a sense of peace for myself.
and for the boys.
i will focus on how to change my situation. our situation.
am i all the sudden going to morph back into the person i used to be?
i'll still be angry more than i should be.
but i am aware of it.
and can take small steps to change it.
took off alexander's training wheels today.
i taught him how to ride with two wheels.
and two wheels only.
he was so happy.
so proud of himself.
it was adorable.
but i tried not to focus on the part where james wasn't there to see it.
hoping to be back to 100% tomorrow.
haven't puked all day. yay.
3 days of not eating.
here's to gettin on the scale in the morning.
and that totally made me laugh out loud.