Tuesday, July 28, 2009

yes, i like him.

i have flipped him off.
a few times.
have said fuck, or fucken, or fucking.
more times than i can count.
even used mother fucker.
and yes.
there is a difference between fuck, fucken and fucking.
sometimes what you're saying just calls for 'fucken' vs. fucking.
i'm an equal opportunity *f* word user.
anyone who knows me knows i am totally laughing right now!
smiling my smirky smile.
he has made me cry.
made me angry.
and made me see things from a different perspective.
he is my reality check (of sorts).
i have not lied to him.
i am contemplative during our sessions.
sometimes he asks me questions i just don't know how to answer.
and i tell him that.
i have decided i like him.
he's actually pretty funny.
i like that he says it like it is.
he gives me things to think about.
that i might not have thought about otherwise.
he opens me up.
as in being willing to see things differently.
he helps give me direction.
he redirects me.
to where i am trying to be, but aren't sure how to get there.
therapists aren't supposed to form opinions.
but mine has.
i think i like that the best.
he would tell you that he hasn't.
that what he told me is fact, not opinion.
because i asked him about what he said....
i like people who are strong enough to stand up for what they believe in.
whatever that may be.
that and the fact therapist dude can be pretty fucken funny.
he shares just enough of himself so that i relate to him.
he's not stupid.
during our session yesterday he gave me a 'painting' assignment.
he seems concerned that i haven't painted in five months.
he told me to 'paint our sessions'.
i was like...uh....dude.
apparently i haven't yet adequately explained to you how i paint.
it's not to express emotion.
i mean, specifically the emotion of any given day.....
i don't sit in front of a blank canvas and say, 'hmm....today was a fucking great day. how can i get that down on canvas.'
no. that's not how it works for me.
it is fleeting.
it's either there...or it's not.
and right now, it's not.
i must be inspired.
sounds like crap.
but it's true.
so he said this: "even if you put one dot of blue paint on a mother fucken canvas and call it good....do it. if you have to force it, then force it. you need to paint."
i'm working myself up to it.
i told him i was totally gonna fucken paint one blue fucken dot, title it 'here ya go mother fucker' and be done with it. he found that extremely amusing.
and yes, he knows i blog about our sessions.
and that i call him therapist dude.
he is down with it and finds that amusing also.
it is not easy, seeing therapist dude.
i'm not exactly a 'fluffy lay your feelings out there' kinda chick.
and its certainly not fucking cheap.
it's not covered by my insurance.....
and apparently it's important enough to me to go anyway.
i am trying hard, very hard...to find a way out of this.


Marieke said...

We all need some guidance at times to find our way out. For some retail therapy does the trick to make 'm feel better. For you it's therapist dude. I think you will reap the benefits of those sessions much longer than if you'd spend the money on some new shoes or something that wear out anyway. ;-)
I wanna see what you're gonna paint too.

Leah said...

yes...please share your painting!! I like him better all the time...I think he is good for you! hugs my friend...get out the paint and make a mess!

Cari K. said...

I really like this dude...especially because he's making you paint again! I think you'll be happy that you did, when you do. Have fun...love ya!

Rachael said...

Yep, I like him too!!

Get up and paint and show us whatcha got!!!

Christi said...

another friend who is glad he's pushing you to paint again

maybe you can do a whole series of different blue dots on canvas called Mother Fucken! LOL

QuirkyGirl said...

You know me and lyrics....

#41 DMB one of the greatest lines in a song ever! "I will go in this way...BUT I'LL FIND MY OWN WAY OUT!"

You kick ass, Kimberly. I'm diggin on Therapist Dude myself.

Misty said...

Having a therapist that you are so comfortable with is such an awesome awesome thing. i have no doubt he loves and admires you as much as the rest of us do.

Carrie K said...

man...i love this post

this is you. this is who i see when i think about you...

fucken blue dot...you go rock star

Lisa said...

therapist dude is effuckenin spot on
so paint the damn blue dot and get on with it
we have your back