Friday, July 10, 2009

stream of consciousness.

impression, sunrise.
monet of course.
painted in 1873 when monet
was in le havre.
i loved art history in college.
one of my fave pieces of his.
my newest obsession (holy crap like i need another one)....lemonade.
since the boys and i got sick it's the only thing i can drink.
i feel like i've been throwing our life away.
i have gotten rid of so much shit.
going through everything from the attic and the garage.
almost done.
the single car side of my garage is now stacked with boxes and bins that are ready to go.
ready to be moved.
getting rid of the big-ass desk upstairs in the loft.
when i move i am downsizing.
i'm preparing for that.
getting back into yoga.
morning yoga. and yoga before i go to bed at night.
trying to focus myself.
it's actually pretty fucking hard.
got the results back from the crap i had cut out of my face.
it was not cancer.
i knew it wouldn't be.
going back in on the 14th for a little reconstruction.
therapist dude thinks part of the reason i want to move is related to james.
uh...fucken duh.
lol...actually i'm not sure about that.
one of the first coherent thoughts i had not long after james died was the fact i no longer had to live here.
i was free to move.
it was sort of shocking to realize.
sucky way for it to happen...but yeah..whatever.
i hate it here. and always have.
i'm not expecting my life to change completely after i move.
i'm not thinking i will all the sudden become completely and totally happy.
but it will be a start.
i feel like i'm waiting to start over.
start something new.
and can't do it here.
don't want to do it here.
moving will be isolating.
that's the only bad part about it.
but i'm already isolated.
kicking some ass with my iPhone.
figuring out how to do shit. that rocks.
still haven't painted.
wish the feeling would just be so strong that i couldn't stop it...and i would HAVE to paint.
but, uh.... yeah. that's not happening.
not yet anyway.
still listening to music non-stop.
and breaking up fights between the boys.
holy crap when is summer over.
oh. did i say that out loud?
i mean, i love my children.
i'm enjoying every second of summer.
omg. anyone who know me knows how funny that is.
next month is my trip away for the weekend without the boys.
maybe i'll make a fucking decision about something.
that's a novel idea.
in any event...i'm looking forward to the time away.
to just be me.
and not a mom.
i'm sure i won't fucking know what to do with myself.
have made some calls to superintendent's offices at a few schools in places we might go.
to get info.
taking small steps.
next on the agenda, putting the house on the market.
well, you know...AFTER i figure out where to go.
i AM fucking doing this.

ps: eva, if you read this, i want you to how much i appreciate you. i have lost your email address. email me.


Misty said...

You are fucking doing this.
You have more strength than you will ever know. I just wish for a minute you could be on the outside, looking in, and you would know just how much you are rocking this shit.
I totally feel you on the sibling fights. Holy cow, don't those numbskulls know they are supposed to be friends and leave their moms alone for a minute or two once in a while? I. Feel. You. Argh!

Have a great solo trip. <3

Leah said...

glad you are doing yoga...and yeah, it's hard! I remember when we were kids we were outside all day from sun up 'til sun down...and maybe even longer...I don't think my parents saw us at all...what happend to that?
love ya!

Cari K. said...

I so wish I could show you what an amazing woman and mom you are! Kuddos for doing the yoga...I don't even think I can do that. I hate exercise, even relaxing exercise or whatever you want to call it. It makes me miserable. Have a great trip. Take advantage of the alone time!

Eva LaMar said...

There are those that define themselves by their families. It is much of what is pushed on us as females in our society. The guilt of not loving every moment of being a parent, of parenting kids with some special needs, with balancing some of the needs of our own lives. I struggle with that guilt and sense I should love every moment. I don't love every moment and at times wish for a short vacation. I do take a deep breath (and should learn yoga). It is okay to look forward to school starting again. It is HARD on our kids when the regular schedule of school is upended for the summer. Hell, I teach school and I see it in my own son.

Keep on trucking,
email is on the way!


QuirkyGirl said...

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.

When I can't seem to remember who I am, know what I want, or my life just seems to be starting over yet again....I run away for the day to the art museum. Walking around looking at things I've seen a hundred times and loving them just as much as I did before or maybe a bit more helps me remember that girl. That she's still in there, at the core, I'm still me. I still love what I love because I love it. Art has nothing to do with anyone else. Just what it says to you. Only you.

I read your posts and read your comments to me and so often wish we could have coffee.

Anonymous said...

wowza. lots of stuff going on with you and I'm excited about all of them for you... change. you can do it.

(and I totally know what you mean about summer and school)