monet of course.
painted in 1873 when monet
was in le havre.
i loved art history in college.
one of my fave pieces of his.
my newest obsession (holy crap like i need another one)....lemonade.
since the boys and i got sick it's the only thing i can drink.
i feel like i've been throwing our life away.
i have gotten rid of so much shit.
going through everything from the attic and the garage.
the single car side of my garage is now stacked with boxes and bins that are ready to go.
ready to be moved.
getting rid of the big-ass desk upstairs in the loft.
when i move i am downsizing.
i'm preparing for that.
getting back into yoga.
morning yoga. and yoga before i go to bed at night.
trying to focus myself.
it's actually pretty fucking hard.
got the results back from the crap i had cut out of my face.
it was not cancer.
i knew it wouldn't be.
going back in on the 14th for a little reconstruction.
therapist dude thinks part of the reason i want to move is related to james.
lol...actually i'm not sure about that.
one of the first coherent thoughts i had not long after james died was the fact i no longer had to live here.
i was free to move.
it was sort of shocking to realize.
sucky way for it to happen...but yeah..whatever.
i hate it here. and always have.
i'm not expecting my life to change completely after i move.
i'm not thinking i will all the sudden become completely and totally happy.
but it will be a start.
i feel like i'm waiting to start over.
start something new.
and can't do it here.
don't want to do it here.
moving will be isolating.
that's the only bad part about it.
but i'm already isolated.
kicking some ass with my iPhone.
figuring out how to do shit. that rocks.
still haven't painted.
wish the feeling would just be so strong that i couldn't stop it...and i would HAVE to paint.
but, uh.... yeah. that's not happening.
not yet anyway.
still listening to music non-stop.
and breaking up fights between the boys.
holy crap when is summer over.
oh. did i say that out loud?
i mean, i love my children.
i'm enjoying every second of summer.
omg. anyone who know me knows how funny that is.
next month is my trip away for the weekend without the boys.
maybe i'll make a fucking decision about something.
that's a novel idea.
in any event...i'm looking forward to the time away.
to just be me.
and not a mom.
i'm sure i won't fucking know what to do with myself.
have made some calls to superintendent's offices at a few schools in places we might go.
to get info.
taking small steps.
next on the agenda, putting the house on the market.
well, you know...AFTER i figure out where to go.
i AM fucking doing this.
ps: eva, if you read this, i want you to how much i appreciate you. i have lost your email address. email me. firstname.lastname@example.org