Saturday, July 04, 2009

kind of a long post.

james was 28 when he was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy/congestive heart failure.
he was sick for 10 years.
i will forever be grateful he was in my life.
he was THE best man i have ever met.
i don't know what other words to use to describe him.
he was just it for me.
i thought we would be together forever.
we have been through a lot together.
while there was much good in our lives, there was also much stress and worry during the 10 years he was sick.
i have a lot of healing to do.
i know for sure i have to get out of here.
i feel stuck. i don't belong here.
to change that, i need to take the next step.
and actually move.
therapist dude and i had a chat about expectations and labels.
he now knows some of the things i have done since james died.
and surprisingly enough, he was down with much of what i have done.
doesn't think i should feel guilty.
i thought i didn't feel guilty.
but apparently i 'think' i should...and have been spending time wondering why i don't.
therapist dude was specifically trying to diagnose (or not diagnose) me at our last session.
out of 7 areas, only two are of concern to him.
which is pretty good.
considering my frame of mind on a daily basis. ha.
the last three days have been strange.
first E got sick.
then alexander.
then me.
we had to cancel our plans for the 4th.
which is a fucking bummer.
it's been isolating.
barely being able to get out of bed yet still taking care of your sick kids can do that to ya.
not wanting to move...but having to clean up puke...while puking at the same time yourself.
so not fun.
james was the only person i could rely on.
now i have no one i can rely on (the way i could james).
yet i have people relying on me (the boys).
listening to dave matthews.
and coldplay.
the tv on in the background with no volume.
i know that somehow i will figure all this shit out.
and will do it with very little guidance or support.
actually the guidance i get now comes from therapist dude.
and the support i get comes from jan.
having trouble sleeping tonight.
tomorrow i'm hoping to feel well enough to leave the house.
the boys need not to be home-bound.
hopefully we will all be well tomorrow.
i have thought about making my blog private.
because it really is just for me.
to leave my thoughts.
to help sort through them.
it is not a place i wish to be judged.
by a person who doesn't leave their name....but posts anonymously.
by a person who doesn't know the full story behind some of the things i write.
james and i were self-sufficient.
he was my family.
he was the person who cared for me.
loved me.
made things better.
he supported me through it all.
i did the same for him.
we just went together.
belonged together.
and now i don't have that.
and i'm trying to readjust.
so for anyone reading what i write, and judging me...i shake my head.
have you been in my shoes?
if you had you would not be judging me.
going to try and sleep.
with my iPod jammin some tunes into my mind.


Eva in Eugene said...

What a journey you have been on! You are right, no one can know your pain and experience. Our world seems built to judge, though. It is built into our society, our world, to give the sense that we are somehow one step above the person we are judging.

Kimberly, your journey is a tough one. The complexities of knowing that a spouse is sick and the layers of complexity with children is beyond the experience of most people. MY husband has insulin-dependent diabetes. He has almost died 3 times since we have been together. The kind of 'almost dying' that happens in the ER with the nurses explaining to me that my husband was most likely not going to pull through this one. It weaves into the dreams, the nightmares and the daily life. It is the weave of our lives.... no one in my friend group really knows what that is like.

You are creative... and need to create. I am thankful that you have your blog, especially if you aren't painting right now. The need to create is as important as the need to connect with people, or the need to eat. It is who you are, your weave of your life. I hope that if you do make this private, that some of us may be allowed to follow. If not, I totally understand.

Life is a journey.... I keep trying to tell myself this, at least. Sometimes this journey really stinks, sucks, is painful. With having kids (I have one 6 yr old with autism)- it complicates how we, a parent, have to continue the journey when life collapses around us.

Keep writing, keep creating....

Your friend in Eugene, OR

Mary said...

I remember you telling me "not to let the world judge you"... don't make your blog private unless you really need to. there are some good people out there... just not very many people that can relate to our club (Dead Husband at a young age Club). Chris's mom ragged on me about my fathers day post and how stupid I am to cry over weed eating on 10 acres, I was pissed that she read my blog and had something negative to say, but I will not let her win... I would really like to get together some time we have a lot in common besides the Dead Husband Club. Your boys are the same age as mine they have been through the same stuff... We both like photography and long hair... I think we could have a drink and a good time. I care.... Mary

Leah said...

only someone who doesn't know you would ever think about writing something negative about are amazing my friend...don't ever forget that what you are doing is more than what most ordinary people (including myself) could do!
if someone has something to say and won't put their name with it don't really have anything worth saying...know that you are loved... and admired by your strength and your love for your family!
sorry that you guys have been sick...that just sucks! hugs!

QuirkyGirl said...

I love your writing style. I love how open you are about what you live and how it makes your feel. You are courageous. Yours is one of my all time fav blogs. I won't ask you to keep it public or to allow me to follow anyway. I will miss the reading of it and the connection I feel to you from across the country, but what I will say to you is: Do what you need to do, Kim. I can't imagine what this would be like. Considering it all, I find you incredible and amazing. Do what you need to do, Mama. And I'll keep sending you love from the Midwest either way.

Sara said...

I agree with Leah that if someone can't even put their name to what they said it wasn't important anyway.

Christi said...

I wouldn't waste the energy with the anonymous commenter. If you can't own up to your opinions then they really don't count right?

I like that you have a place to express yourself in your blog AND get some support and feedback from those of us who care about you. I know how hard you are struggling. I think about you and the boys all the time. I think that therapist dude has a good handle on who you are and how to help you.

Big huge hugs, Kimberly.

jensmack said...

people who love you would never judge you. no one knows what you've been through. you can only do what's best for you and your kids.

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