Friday, July 31, 2009


earlier today?
98 fucking degrees or some shit.
then the clouds rolled in.
and it rained.
you know...
a nevada rain storm.
which means it poured for 10 minutes.
then it was over.
i love it when it rains.
so i told the sick one (E) to get in the car.
zan too.
and we went for a drive.
in the rain.
windows down.
music blasting.
it cooled off to 62 degrees.
it was freaking awesome.
all the windows in my house are now open.
the door to the outside in my bedroom is open too.
sick kid is on the couch.
the other one is running around half naked. whatever.
spent the morning with jan. nice.
reminded me of high school when heather pezzullo and i used to ditch school and go lay out in her back yard.
i am freakishly afraid of two things:
parking garages (i hate hate hate them).
and....having to stop under an overpass (which happens all the time when i get on the freeway heading toward my house).
like at that exact moment the fucking thing is gonna fall down on top of me?
or an earthquake is gonna hit and that'll be it.
i am a freak.
it is my intention to paint.
on sunday.
now i've said it.
gotta make it happen.
one blue fucking dot.
that totally made me laugh out loud.
seriously tempted to take a huge-ass canvas in to therapist dude.
with one blue fucken dot.
therapist dude says i won't allow myself to paint because painting is something i love. it's immersion. and release. it allows me to think about nothing but that. to be in that moment. he thinks that i think (did you all get that...) that if i allow myself to paint i would be allowing myself to be happy. and right now i don't think i should be happy. so he says. i'm still thinking about that. could be a combination of that...that and the fact i am just not inspired. he says i'm not allowing myself to become inspired...because..yeah..i won't allow myself to be happy. dunno. i'm thinkin 'bout it....
going to bed early tonight.
feeling like crap.
E passed on his delightful congestion/cold thing.
maybe i'll go stretch some canvas.
right now.
and that will fucking inspire me SO much i will paint all night.
um...yeah....probably not.
but i do think i'll go stretch some canvas and put the first layer of gesso on.
so i have a canvas to work with on sunday.
it will be the first time in five months i will have touched canvas.


Eva in Eugene said...

The blue dot reminds me of my grandparent's house in San Diego. They were both very proper British expats living in the USA. Their house was a white canvas in which very little was put up. Instead, wide windows looked out over Pacific Beach and offered a breathtaking view.

Except for the dot, that is. Yes, over their WHITE fireplace and next to the WHITE walls was a large white wall. My uncle John, who has a wicked sense of humor, had painted one blue dot on it. He even attached a price tag label that gave it a name and price. People fell for it all of the time.

You go girl, paint a frickin dot or whatever. Painting is your soul- it is your world, your being. I agree with Therapist Dude- he sounds solid, honest, and to the point. I wish there were more Therapist Dudes like him in the world.

Anyhow, whatever you do, it needs to be something you enjoy. James would want you to do something you enjoy, something that speaks to your soul. Your kids need you to do something that speaks to your soul.

I look forward to reading your blogs in the next weeks. I have to admit that I just crack up over your conversations with Therapist Dude. You are on your own path, your own journey and I feel privileged to be able to read your blog, and to hear how your children are doing and how you are finding your own way. I hope that you can get something in return from the readers.

Keep on rockin'!

Eva in Eugene

Leah said...

paint on girl...good luck...
sorry that E is sick...give him a hug from us...
and send some of that rain and 62 our way please!

Sue in NYC said...

"seriously tempted to take a huge-ass canvas in to therapist dude.
with one blue fucken dot"

you should do whatever ends up feeling right, but that would be hilarious.

Lisa said...

paint to the canvas
metal to the pedal
let it fly girlfriend
let it fly

QuirkyGirl said...

Went to see DMB play the same night you posted this one. He played #41 and it lasted like 10 minutes. It was truly fantastic. I danced my tequilla and sweat drenched ass off. And while I did I thought of you. "Finding your own way out". I'm usually very selfish with "my" songs. "My" songs being my favorite ones. So I gotta love sharing this one with you. Could ya feel the love vibes groovin' your way from what my friend Abby calls "a sophicated hippie" in Indiana? Cause you were there with me in thought, Momma. Keep on keepin on....Rach