i don't have many photographs from my childhood.
i have two.
and this is one of them.
i know i have said this before.
i feel things SO fucking strongly.
when i feel joy, it's unbelievably amazing.
when i feel sadness....it's unbelievably overwhelming.
some days the rush of up and down is so volatile it makes my head spin.
today has just been one of those incredibly high/low days.
up...then down. then up...then down.
it's at the end of the day.
when the boys are in bed.
that the crash comes pounding down on me.
it's almost like a huge ass wave.
that's the best way i can describe it.
that's why i think therapist dude might need to reevaluate his diagnosis.
i'm thinking he's missed something.
because this doesn't feel normal.
maybe it's grief...being on with the boys 24/7...i don't know..
maybe it's me being absolutely fucking exhausted.
i don't know a single person who feels things like i do.
as intensely as i do.
the high highs. fucking low lows. no middle ground.
someone's single act of kindness can bring me to tears.
i can go through james' things....and do it methodically...not feeling anything....
then i do.
when i think i'm handling it....doing shit....
a few days later..a week even...it comes back and fucks with me.
james' mom now knows the boys and i are leaving.
i wasn't going to tell her until i knew for sure where we are going.
and what, exactly, i am doing.
but she has heard bits and pieces (from he boys when she sees them)....
and i made the mistake of telling her i am going through everything in the garage....
and she flat out asked me.
so i told her.
i have to say that james dying has been isolating.
i tend to be isolated anyway.....just my personality...
i know many people.
but have very few real 'friends'.
but the ones i have, i have for life.
but the isolation thing....
sometimes that's how i want it.
sometimes it's not.
today was just like...fucking....wow.
and i fucking want to know when my new yoga dvd's will get here.
that is pissing me off.
amazon has never been so fucking slow!
had bunko here tonight.
some serious loudness.
it was fun.
yet sad too....
some of the girls talking about their husbands.
my life is just so different now.
and i am truly really fucking tired of the roller coaster.
i just want to be mellow.
and fucking get on with it.
so i'm wondering, that if i want that so bad...
why can't i just fucking make it happen.