Thursday, July 16, 2009

this is a trip!

i don't have many photographs from my childhood.
i have two.
and this is one of them.
i know i have said this before.
i feel things SO fucking strongly.
when i feel joy, it's unbelievably amazing.
when i feel's unbelievably overwhelming.
some days the rush of up and down is so volatile it makes my head spin.
today has just been one of those incredibly high/low days.
up...then down. then up...then down.
it's at the end of the day.
when the boys are in bed.
that the crash comes pounding down on me.
it's almost like a huge ass wave.
that's the best way i can describe it.
that's why i think therapist dude might need to reevaluate his diagnosis.
i'm thinking he's missed something.
because this doesn't feel normal.
maybe it's grief...being on with the boys 24/7...i don't know..
maybe it's me being absolutely fucking exhausted.
i don't know a single person who feels things like i do.
as intensely as i do.
the high highs. fucking low lows. no middle ground.
someone's single act of kindness can bring me to tears.
i can go through james' things....and do it methodically...not feeling anything....
until later.
then i do.
when i think i'm handling it....doing shit....
a few days later..a week comes back and fucks with me.
james' mom now knows the boys and i are leaving.
i wasn't going to tell her until i knew for sure where we are going.
and what, exactly, i am doing.
but she has heard bits and pieces (from he boys when she sees them)....
and i made the mistake of telling her i am going through everything in the garage....
and she flat out asked me.
so i told her.
i have to say that james dying has been isolating.
i tend to be isolated anyway.....just my personality...
i know many people.
but have very few real 'friends'.
but the ones i have, i have for life.
but the isolation thing....
sometimes that's how i want it.
sometimes it's not.
today was just
and i fucking want to know when my new yoga dvd's will get here.
that is pissing me off.
amazon has never been so fucking slow!
had bunko here tonight.
12 chicks.
some serious loudness.
it was fun.
yet sad too....
some of the girls talking about their husbands.
my life is just so different now.
and i am truly really fucking tired of the roller coaster.
i just want to be mellow.
and chill.
and fucking get on with it.
so i'm wondering, that if i want that so bad...
why can't i just fucking make it happen.


Barry said...

Ry and Saw look now look a lot like you did then. Except their hair is longer...

Ingrid said...

still holding you in my heart and thoughts. be well. <3

Violet said...

When I found out tat my cancer had come back last year, I had the smae kind of low-low and hi-hi... usually ending with lows. A commercial could make me cry and then I'd be bawling for an hour. Life felt so... terrible. The feelings were, like you said, wave like. Knock me on my ass and pound me until I was a blithering blob of snot and anger and resentment. It was like a never ending bad feeling in my stomach with bits of happiness here and there. I thiknk I was majorly depressed.

I don;t know how I got over it.. I know that having clean scans and meeting my best friend were most of it. Feeling alive again. Feeling happy to be alive. Sad andangry for the parts of my life that I could never get back, the things that I won't be able to do now... But now, the good out weighs the bad. I want to get up and rock the shit out of each day. I want to plan small things out for my future, even if it still looms over my head that the cancer could come back and I could die any month. I CHOOSE to make the life that I have left good.

You just have to find a way to combat those fucking waves... You can do it. We're watching you do it.

You know what one of my new favorite mottos is? Fuck everyone else who sucks. We don't that shit in our lives, GF. Choose the good.


Misty said...

You have big changes coming up. They might just be what you need. A new home, a new life....that just might stop the pendulum that swings so violently from one side to the other. I hope they are. <3

Erin D. said...

Good Lord. You have so much to deal with. I have been reading your blog for months... ever since Em Falconbridge mentioned you on her blog. I think about you alot, and though I don't know you face-to-face, I feel your pain and I'm rooting for you. I can't imagine having to deal with your childrens' pain as well as your own. You are doing great. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. I watched someone I cared about go thru that...making the decision to take him off life support. It was not an easy decision, but I dont hold her responsible! She knew exactly what he would have wanted and our entire family supported her in that decision. I am sure (at least I hope) the same is true for James family. Your said you feel sound like a wonderful person and your children are beautiful..don't be afraid to let those around you in. It's okay to ask for help. I don't even know you but I love you..your blogs are sooooo revealing..I hope it helps you to write it out. I know it helps me!--Stacey, WA

Leah said...

you still look exactly the same as you did as a child!
we are coming next week...are you going to LA? we get in late tues nite and leave early sun can you possibly squeeze in a little road trip to the big city?
I love you much and think about you and the boys all the time!

Anonymous said...

That picture of you is SO FREAKIN CUTE!

You are making tough decisions that are so gut-wrenching for you... and you've been doing that since you made the decision about James. it's been one tough-ass decision after another. But - they're not wrong. You're doing the right thing.

And I love you for it.