Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a painting.

very impressionist 36x48 painting i did using 3 palatte knives and my all-time fave #10 brush. i so love getting lost in paint. jamming to tunes. i wish i could be in the zone all the freakin' time.

i like to think of myself as independent. but truth be told, i like to know i have some back up support. of some kind. gotta get over that. i may have made a wrong choice on that one.

i know myself well enough to know what will happen. just have to decide if i'm willing to live with the consequences.

nighttime is the worst. need to turn it around. focus. find a way to look forward to that time instead of trying to aimlessly find things and ways to fill that time...like wasting hours on the computer. i should paint. too bad i'm having to force that right now. or i would. i should sleep. yeah. no....that's not workin' either. read a book? um. that would require focus. so...yeah...no. lately i've been taking a lot of hot baths and watching movies while in the tub. but...well...it's the focus thing again. nothing seems to keep my interest. i need a change. oh. i know. drink a martini?! yes. that's it! we have a winner. ;)

tired of thinking, over-thinking and restraint. i just want to fucking be. and do what my instincts tell me to do. this questioning myself....fuck. it's exhausting. i just need to be. and do what feels instinctually right. the end.


Leslie Ashe said...


YOU are so talented! :D
I miss you, I ♥ you, I miss you!

you just be the incredible you that you are. k? let everything else fall into its place.it will. how do I know? because you rock.

plain and simple.

remember the enter key?

Kari said...

Love, love the painting. It is striking. You are clearly in a zone of some kind. More, more please.

traci in virginia said...


I have been stalking your blog since I found you from Tara Whitney's site.

My husband passed away Nov. 29, 2008. It was sudden and unexpected. He hadn't been sick and all was well. He had a heart attack at a football game and I wasn't with him. He was my best friend. I turned 40 four days later. I have two kids (8 and 11) and would be lost without them.

I send you this note to say I totally understand what you are feeling. What you write in your blog makes so much sense to me. No one around me really gets it and I can't expect them to. That's ok because I am surrounded by good friends and family who are very supportive -- but still, no one can feel my fear and loss. It is a lonely existence.

I do not send this to bring you down. Only to thank-you for sharing your feelings in your blog. I have found myself nodding in agreement many times.

I have a hard time focusing as well and spend way too much time on the computer when I really need to be taking care of paperwork, bills, etc. I still even have thank-you notes to send which is terrible.

I am able to read -- I think because it offers an escape for a time. I am a papercrafter/scrapbooker and totally can't concentrate on that. Only small projects that require no thought at all.

I am thinking the bath, movie and beverage is a good idea! Keep painting. Your paintings are beautiful!

Traci in Virginia

Anonymous said...

that painting is insane, in the highest form of flattery that word could mean coming from me.
its so good

Anonymous said...

do another cityscape. like a SF cityscape of london. with colorful houses.

Anonymous said...

OR london, OR not of london...