very impressionist 36x48 painting i did using 3 palatte knives and my all-time fave #10 brush. i so love getting lost in paint. jamming to tunes. i wish i could be in the zone all the freakin' time.
i like to think of myself as independent. but truth be told, i like to know i have some back up support. of some kind. gotta get over that. i may have made a wrong choice on that one.
i know myself well enough to know what will happen. just have to decide if i'm willing to live with the consequences.
nighttime is the worst. need to turn it around. focus. find a way to look forward to that time instead of trying to aimlessly find things and ways to fill that time...like wasting hours on the computer. i should paint. too bad i'm having to force that right now. or i would. i should sleep. yeah. no....that's not workin' either. read a book? um. that would require focus. so...yeah...no. lately i've been taking a lot of hot baths and watching movies while in the tub. but...well...it's the focus thing again. nothing seems to keep my interest. i need a change. oh. i know. drink a martini?! yes. that's it! we have a winner. ;)
tired of thinking, over-thinking and restraint. i just want to fucking be. and do what my instincts tell me to do. this questioning myself....fuck. it's exhausting. i just need to be. and do what feels instinctually right. the end.