freedom.

since james died i have discovered freedom. sort of.

i was happy with james....being married to james. he was my best friend. we had something amazing.

i can 100% honestly and unequivocably say that james was the best thing that ever happened to me. i wouldn't change any of the time we had together.

i knew what a fucking amazing man i had. but when the virus attacked his heart....our lives changed. we didn't let his heart take over our lives. we lived our lives. but there were limitations. james physically could only do so much. i worried. he worried about me worrying about him. stanford appointments (for heart transplant evaluation), VO2 tests, echocardiograms, checking the pressures inside his heart, heart biopsies, the defibrilator being implanted into his chest, him needing to sleep, being so tired all the time. it took its toll. on him. on me. on us. but we were more than that.

but now...now that james isn't here, i am free from that worry.

unfortunately, in its place, i miss him. intensely.

i am rediscovering how to live life by myself. making decisions based on what i want and think is best. (of course taking the boys into consideration).

i make no apologies for laughing, or having fun.

for drinking vodka....martinis....or whatever it is i might drink. on occasion.
i do not give a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do.

i do, however, care what people think about my art. ya got me there. my art is important to me. it's personal. and that is the only aspect of my life where i truly care what people think.

here's the part where it gets complicated. and i so do not groove on complicated.

being a single parent...my life is all about the boys. even more so than before james died. duh.

that's where i have a hard time. i do not want to get lost in doing nothing but care for the boys. i need more than that in my life. but i also know how important what i do right now and HOW i do it is...with regard to the boys. i get that. i so get that.

that is where my problem is. part of me is all about that. then there's this other part. the other part that screams to get out....in little ways...little things i do that i shouldn't be doing. if enough of that part of me gets out...i can maintain. i know this sounds crazy. but trust me. i am not crazy.

i am doing what i need to do. a lot of what i want to do. which is good. if i was doing everything i wanted to do, we would already have gone back up the oregon coast. oh hell, we would have already moved...somewhere! i wouldn't be waiting until april. the sooner i check out places, the sooner i can find a new place to live. so i am not being irresponsible. i am loving my boys. taking care of them.

in all of this, i say what i want to say, how i want to say it.

why wouldn't i? it is a waste of time and energy to do anything else.

and if i want to do something, and it's not going to hurt the boys, or me...then i will fucking do it.

some will read this post and think, holy crap...she's angry. no. i am not angry. just tired of living my life to other peoples' expectations.

quite frankly, i think i am doing well. i am doing everything i possibly can for the boys. E is seeing the school counselor, the boys are going to the solace tree....they are in grief counseling....i am dealing with (and better than most other fucking parents...) E's issues at school. the girlfreiend thing...i put a stop to it. i brought it to light, addressed it...made the school aware of it. i am VERY in tune with my boys. and i'm not blowing smoke up my own ass (that saying makes me laugh). i really am in tune with them. and it is my hope that i always will be.

so...yes, there is this other part of me. that wants to ditch responsibility. will i ever do it? no.

but i will do the things i can, the things that I WANT to do, that help me get through this....over it...until i find my way totally out. and more than that, i won't feel guilty for doing it.

gettin' things done.

painting i finished last night. this photo so does not do it justice. it needs to be viewed from a distance. in the right light.
so fucking restless i cannot stand it.
sold james' truck. it needed to be done. and now it is.
unsolicited advice just keeps rolling in.
i was thinking i would feel some sort of relief, or like i at least got something done, after my meeting with the attorney, about my pour-over will, the trust, guardianship docs, advance directive stuff....but i don't.
ran into tristan today. he was full of emotion. surprisingly so.
i so fucking want to do things that i should not do. it is hard to make that go away. you have no idea. the boys help keep me from being completely stupid. but it never goes away.

diet soda sucks.

can't get enough music. still.
painted yesterday. all day. and jammed to tunes. nice.
sometimes i just want to curl up. protect myself from....i don't even know. everything. nothing.
anthony bourdain rocks. i like his outlook on life. he's rough...has definite views...doesn't really give a crap about what people think (or so it seems). i dig that.
met with a lawyer today. started the process for my pour-over will, the trust, guardianship docs, healthcare power of attorney, financial power of attorney, advance directive docs, affidavit of death (to get the house in my name only). i think that's it. holy crap there is a lot of shit to take care of when you are responsible for kids. decisions have been made.
didn't eat today. just was too busy. and now i don't feel like making anything. i'll eat tomorrow.
diet soda sucks. i don't like any of it.
shopping for a new phone. holy crap there are a lot of choices. just give me a fucking phone that rings, that i can make a call on, that i can text with and call it good. no iPhone for me. way too complicated. they're nice to look at though. do a lot of shit. and while i think it's cool...i would only screw it up. if james were here i would be all over it. he would have hooked me up. i secretly dig that techy/geek shit. did i just admit that out loud?!
hulu rocks when netflix sucks and my movies aren't here yet. and i want to watch something while i am taking a hot bath.
i have definitely been going through stages since james died. the music thing...it's holding out.
cranberry martinis or cosmos...they are basically the same thing...are yummy.
getting off the computer. going to paint. need to quiet the noise in my head. painting does that.

things that i think are sexy.

i've been thinking. and don't even try to figure out why my mind goes here. because you never will.

things that i think are sexy.

dudes wtih long hair. not too long. but long enough.

someone who cares about you. and will show it (even though it might be hard). whether it be in small ways...or flat out.

it can be the turn of a face. the angle at which you are looking at someone.

the upturn of lips in a smile. ever so slight...but it's there.

strength.

someone who can make you laugh. that is actually very sexy.

someone who will share things with you. even though it's hard. that is remarkable.

it goes so far beyond physical appearance (though that can be and is definitely a part of it).

someone letting you in.

an attraction. it's either there. or it's not.

the gentle tone in which someone speaks to you.

the way someone looks at you.

someone holding your hand.

someone wanting to protect you. to keep you safe. even if you don't think you need it.

putting your arm around someone. because you know they are cold and you want to warm them.

being sure of youreslf. not in every aspect. but in some. and not being afraid to show it.

a million little different things can be sexy.

it can be surprising. the things that draw you to a particular person.

the last couple of days were strange (my dad spending the night, my old boss calling me up out of the blue and offering me a job. another old friend popping up and wanting to talk about james. sharing things he said from back when we first got together).

it was all unsettling.

tonight i am going to bed early. feeling very run down and out of energy.

new music.

i spend far too much time thinking.
not even loud music can make it stop.

i am so over winter.

sick of freezing my ass off.

diggin' my new shoes. converse slip-ons and cheap-ass old navy flip flops. that is all i need.

been lookin' for new music. found willy porter. angry words is a good song.

and matt nathanson. matt nathanson is like a badass jack johnson. you know i am all over that. full of feeling. good lyrics. acoustic guitar. does it get any better? click on matt radio at the top of the link to check out a song.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i did all the fucking things i want to do.

instead of constantly struggling with what i should do and what i want to do.

i struggle with being a mom. there is this other part of me. this other part of me.....that's what gets me into trouble. and i don't care.

always looking out for the boys. always. they are bigger than me.

sometimes that other part of me is so strong. i want to do things. so i do.

i have no measure of what is right and wrong for me now. because things are so different.

james was so good for me.

he kept me level. straight.

i know i have said this before but he brought out the good in me. made my inclination for bad fade away.

now i am supposed to keep myself level. and straight. and i'm not so good at that.

a painting.

finished this today.












a simple thing can make me smile.
make all the difference in the world.
something unexpected can really make me angry. just like that.
maybe not angry. maybe it's hurt.
say when i don't think i'm invested.
but it turns out i really am.
that anger/hurt/disappointment can change quickly. to something else. to what exactly i don't know. definitely to being chill. and that's a good thing.
i just react.
took the boys to grief counseling today.
alexander is sleeping in his tent, instead of his bed. i dig it.
ethan, however, is sleeping in my bed. which means i'll sleep like crap tonight because he will be glued to me once i get into bed. he needs so much comfort. i don't like letting him sleep with me. he really needs to be in his own room. but thought tonight he needed it.
really wanting (as i've said many times before).....to lose myself in an all emcompassing sort of way where there is nothing but instinct. with that comes strong.....well.....everything. and i need that.

some things.

random photo i took. sometimes i do that. drive around looking for things to photograph. things that catch my eye. things i like.

listening to buena vista social club. name of the group and also it's the name of one of my favorite songs they do. they're cuban.

listening to rodrigo y gabriela (live in japan album) dig it. juan loco (a song) is good to listen to while i paint.

contemplating my taxes.

dan and jan are really truly amazing. i've said that before. not sure what i would do without them. not looking forward to finding out (when we move). they blow me away. there just aren't words to describe them.

have two half-finished paintings i'm working on. hope to finish them in the next couple of days.

pulled a muscle in my ass. how does one do that, exactly? not sure really. well.....i know one way but it wasn't that.
ate twice today.

went to bed early last night. well...1am. but that's early for me.

going to bed early tonight.

keep your mind open.

keep your mind open.

sometimes i make myself read things that i have no interest in. just in case that has changed. and now i do. how else am i gonna know.

i'm pretty sick of saying this. today has been an emotional day. like holy fucking crap. enough already. are ya kidding me? i'm sick of this shit.

for some reason, the more time that passes the more i seem to be feeling. i think it's because at first i shut down. couldn't process it all. and now it comes to me in bits. and they suck. i just want to not feel this way. everyday is not like this. but the days that are? they suck. maybe this is a sign of healing.....or at least the very beginning stages of it....you know, the fact that i am able to process some of this now. who the hell knows.

i think all this suck-ass emotion has something to do with sleep deprivation. yes people. i am working on that. insomnia for me has been a long-term thing. not just since james died. it is just intensified now.

thought about james today. duh. like i don't think about him everyday. i just felt so empty. it's hard to describe but it just takes my breath away sometimes. the intensity of emotion...that feeling of sadness....loss. but i made it stop.

it's because alexander talked about james non-stop today. and yesterday. which is good for him. just not particularly good for me. today anyway. i have to support the boys...answer their questions...talk about james...they need that. and i want to do that.

jan has a sixth sense.

she called me today.

we went out for dinner. then we went to a movie.

it was good to talk to her. i can say anything to her. no judgment. she gets it. all of it.

it was good for her to talk to me. for me to hear about what's happening with her.

she gives me persepctive. makes me see the other side of things that i sometimes forget.

doing my best not to forget things. important things, anyway. heh.

and now i am going to bed. hoping NOT to wake up at 5am. because that's been the newest sleep thing. waking up at 5am. even if i go to bed at 3am. putting myself in the right mindset for a good night of sleep.

The Rev It Up List Blog!

so so excited and honored to be mentioned by The Rev It Up List blog. check it here. thank you linda.
this is a painting i just added to my etsy shop. you can check that out here.
with the death of your husband come many things.
shock.
sadness.
emptiness.
many weeks of life feeling surreal.
life feeling very real. so real it makes you sick to your stomach.
amazing kindness from total strangers. people who heard about you from someone else who heard about you from someone else. people are good. caring. amazing. for everyone who still comes here...(those who leave comments and those who don't)....thank you. it's actually been pretty amazing, to read what everyone has had to say over these last four months. and yes, i have read every single comment.
along with all of this you then have to deal with your finances.
it's been almost four months since james died. i am getting things under control. figuring things out. one of the things i had to address was what to do with james' truck.
today, a friend came over. he is going to help me sell the truck.
i don't want to sell the truck. to me it's a part of james. crazy, i know. it's just a truck. i realize that. but...it's also more than that. alexander asked me why i am getting rid of daddy. so then i had to explain (again)...that that's not what i am doing. how do you make a 5 year old and a 7 year old understand.
the cd that james had playing in his truck...which i took out today...was me first and the gimme gimmes. he actually went to see them a couple of months before he died. dean, he had a freaking good time. i'm so glad you guys went.
james' watch was in the truck. the watch that i gave him for christmas two years ago.
it sort of jolted me when i found it. not even sure why. that is definitely something i will save and give to one of the boys when they are older.
today has been yet another fucking emotional day. and i am quite frankly, getting sick of emotional days. yeah. like that matters. can't make it stop. but i wish i could.
i'm looking at today as taking a step in the right direction. moving forward. making decisions. and gettin' on with it.
seriously. life is a freakin' trip. never in my life would i have imagined this is where i would be and this would be my life. but it is. so now it's up to me to change it from here forward. to make it what i want it to be. if only i could figure out exactly what it is that i want it to be. but i'm working on it. and that's at least, something.

too fucking much.

two hours of sleep in the last 48, not enough food...add in pomegranate martinis and you get me. in this moment, missing james with every fiber of my being. wanting him to hold me. to talk to me. to right my world.

apparently i do not react to james' death the way many people expect me to. and i just fucking shake my head at that. it effing pisses me off that people are judging me. making comments to me about what i am doing. and how i am doing it. people can eff off. unless you're living it shut the hell up.

its a pretty fucking awesome responsibility....caring for these two little boys. being their everything. and trying to figure things out for myself all the while. where we're gonna go. how i'm going to ultimately support us. so many fucking things spinning inside my head. sometimes all i want are distractions. so i don't have to think about all of this. because it's too much. it makes me feel like the air is being squeezed right out of my body. it makes my stomach hurt. it makes me feel very alone. i am like the biggest fucking nutjob on the planet. i crave time to myself. i pull away from people yet i am lonely. i crave time to myself. yet i don't know what to fucking do with it when i have it. seriously. i am something else. are ya kiddin' me?!! and now i am fucking going to bed. maybe...just maybe i can sleep. i just want this all to stop. to stop feeling everything...so....deeply. i am such a high and low person. there is no effing middle...no balance. i know it's who i am. but holy crap. some middle ground would effing be nice. why am i not capable of that.