STILL nauseous and dizzy.

purposely staying up late tonight. hoping that if i do i'll sleep through the night. we are all so exhausted. we've had earthquakes (big enough to shake the house) every night for the last four nights. like 2-3 a night. we NEED a break. we NEED sleep. so...my thinking is, if i'm tired enough...maybe i'll sleep through a smallish quake. or better yet, there won't be ANY quakes tonight! wouldn't that be nice! between the 60mph winds today, and the last quake only an hour ago?? seriously. enough already!

did this page today. just wanted to paint. trying to find my creative center again. just enjoying the process of creating, of letting some emotion onto the page.

and now i'm going to watch a movie.

i struggle with believing i am important. i know i am. that i am smart...and i'm going to say it here...for the first time ever...that i am an artist....BUT...being a sahm, i often feel that my days just don't matter, that what i do doesn't matter. yes, i take care of two children. but it often feels like i make no contribution to the world. sounds hokey. totally. but it is what it is. i am trying to place value on myself and trying really hard to be okay with placing value on myself. it's really hard for me to do.

this is the first page i have done in two months. it's pretty simple (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). i wanted the vibrant color of the cardstock, the yellow painted masking tape frame and inked up vibrant blue and brown pic to be the focal point. that and the emotion captured in the pic (and the words). i think me feeling unimportant is why it is SO important for me to do something with my art.

i'm a piece of art.

little drawing E made for me a few months ago. i just came across it. i think it's pretty cute.

trying hard not to barf. more quakes today. news conference yesterday suggested reno residents prepare for a big quake. hmmmm. feeling secure? not so much. poor oliver is going nuts. he won't leave my side (which i like)...but i feel bad for the scared pooch.

forced myself to work out today even though my energy level was next to zero. finally finding my way back to the workout routine (even though each day i have to FORCE myself to do it). today was the first time since before we went to austin that i didn't feel like i was gonna die.

going to janet and dan's tomorrow night for mexican night. margarits, i am sure, will be the highlight. how do i know this? we're bringing the tequila. that's how. i'm also baking brownies (and taking vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup for brownie sundaes) and i'm taking oatmeal butterscotch chip cookies. two very simple things but still hopefully delish.

i think yard work is in my future (for tomorrow). SUCK. i hate yard work.

have had next to no sleep. it's one thing or another. poor james...he's had even less. this work schedule thing is kicking his ass. he went in at 5am today and he's still there.

maybe going to force myself to scrap. to get over this lack of creativity thing. we'll see.

now it's time to wash two very dirty little boys.

last week kicked my ass.

last week?

oliver to the vet (which scared the crap out of him. i have the only dog who doesn't like a puppy ride). still don't know what's wrong with him.

the mess with my brother and his wife. seriously. makes my head spin.

E waking up in such pain. crying for 45 minutes. to the doctor the next morning. rushing around like a crazy person from dr. to pharmacy to school.

baking cookies for E to take to school.

baking a lopsided cake.

and then there was the other thing. the thing that made me scared, and sad, and many other things all at the same time. still not over that.....just being thankful for things the way they are....because right now it's all i can handle.

getting the house ready and all the right presents for E's bday.

still absolutely nothing making me feel creative. i WANT to scrap, paint, art journal, just sit there stupidly doing nothing because nothing seems to inspire me right now. so irritating.

whirlwind weekend. which was actually nice. so nice to spend time with MY family for a change. my mom sent me these flowers. she knew i didn't have a good week. wasn't that nice? it was just such a surprise.

i have been going to bed earlier and earlier every night. pretty soon i'll be going to bed right after the boys. makes for a less tired momma....maybe???but not really, i still feel absolutely freaking whiped out. like holy shit i am tired kind of wiped out. and also cranky because i feel so uncreative. what the F is up with that anyway?!!

i'm laughing to myself too. i was watching the housewives of new york city yesterday while james had the boys in the living room. he was like, WHAT are you watching?! he was disgusted. lol....too funny.

waiting for the washing machine dude to show up. more than likely he will show up when i leave (for 1/2 an hour) to get E from school. seriously. what do you want to bet that that's the way it goes down.

bday recap.

6:10 frickin am is what time these boys woke up! this is sawyer, kyler, E and riley. sawyer, riley and kyler are my bro's kids.

havin' fun at the bowling alley!


james and alexander watching his ball roll down the lane after james helped him. SO stinking cute!

the bday boy himself blowing out his THREE candles on his LOPSIDED cake with sawyer peeking his head in. thought i had 7 candles. guess not. oops. as for the lopsided cake? i love it. it is SO classic. this is a chocolate chocolate chip chocolate whipcream cake. i made it in a hurry. first layer should set before you put the second and third layers on. oops. heh. god how i love my kid. look at all this chocolate.

april 20, 2001

april 20, 2001. these are just a few of the things i remember from the day this amazing boy was born.

it snowed. in april. like a lot. i remember looking out the window of my hospital room and watching the big giant flakes fall out of the sky.

39 hours of labor. no epidural.

switching from the bed to the rocking chair. then back to the bed. then back to the rocking chair. always with james right there putting ice in my mouth. i didn't even have to ask. just opened my mouth. my mouth had to be numb so i could focus on that and not the pain of the contractions.

watching james catch a catnap at 5am. he was exhausted. i went into the hospital at 9:00am on a wednesday morning. E was born two days later (on friday at ten minutes to midnight).

the first time E nursed. it was for exactly 8 minutes. why do i know that? my mind....i'm good with numbers....there was a clock on the wall across from me. i still remember it vividly. i had no idea what i was doing. but we did it.

the nurses changing shifts (again) and my original nurse being very surprised i was still there with a baby on the inside instead of the outside.

taking a bath at 1am on wednesday night in the birthing center. the contractions were so strong and the hot water felt soooo good. i stayed in the tub for two hours. it was a slice of heaven.

walking the hallways with james.

holding my yet unnamed baby in my arms. just looking at him.

ethan thomas reed being given his name only minutes before we left the hospital.

happy birthday E. i all kinds of love you.

~sigh~

definitely matisse inspired with a little baroque thrown in for good measure. did a painting similar to this one a month or so ago. trying to decide what i want to do with my art.

quick to lose my temper today. being mindful of that.

did NOT sleep well last night.

perhaps time to re-prioritize things?

needing to be able to create something with ease instead of struggling through it. the struggling part is because i am so tired. my mind really is like mush.

E is sick. fell asleep at school yesterday.

alexander is now sick.

hoping they are both better by next weekend. my mom is coming, and christine and the boys. looking forward to spending some time with MY family. it does not happen often. my mom does her best to come down three times a year, but they are always short short trips. she will be here for two days. better than nothing.

does YOUR butt smell like lemons?

is eating candy/chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner wrong? okay, i didn't really have any for breakfast but for lunch and dinner? yeah. i did.

plan to scrap this pic at some point. IF i ever feel creative again. i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will. i sit feeling nothing. no inspiration whatsoever inside me. ~sigh~ need a weekend at the beach. alcohol. sleep. scrapping/art journaling. no kids. no hubby. i love you dear, and boys...but seriously. i can't produce anything worth a crap right now!

according to alexander my butt smells like lemons. don't even ask. well, okay...this might require a bit of explanation. he's about butt-high....likes to hug me. must be the laundry detergent. or maybe the kid's just weird.

boys are in the bath right now. james is still at work. time to go wash hair and be mommy again. my stolen 5 minutes are over!

humpf. well that was a challenge if ever i've heard one!

so here ya go.

1. Where is your cell phone? bag.
2. Your significant other? james.
3. Your hair? short.
4. Your mother? crazy.
5. Your father? heh.
6. Your favorite thing? happiness.
7. Your dream last night? that i cut james' hair. and he was pissed!
8. Your favorite drink? water.
9. Your dream/goal? happiness, health and peace.
10. The room you’re in? family room.
11. Your ex? none!
12. Your fear? james dying. my kids dying.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? living on the coast. painting. selling some art.
14. Where were you last night? at home enjoying margaritas and pot stickers.
15. What you’re not? good in big crowds of peeps.
16. Muffins? yum.
17. One of your wish list items? to travel. extensively. thailand. london. paris. mexico. pureto rico. caribbean. china. and many more.
18. Where you grew up? california.
19. The last thing you did? painted the baseboards in E's room. i'm waiting for it to dry so i can take the tape off and move 1/2 of his bedroom back to normal.
20. What are you wearing? painting clothes. i'm scary.
21. Your TV? late at night when everyone else is asleep.
22. Your pets? callie and oliver. best dogs ever! (except for brin. he was a great dog too)
23. Your computer? laptop.
24. Your life? complicated.
25. Your mood? even-keeled.
26. Missing someone? definitely.
27. Your car? Ford Explorer. love that it seats 7.
28. Something you’re not wearing? socks. or underwear. well.....you asked!
29 Favorite Store? depends on what i want to buy.
30. Your summer? Hot and long.
31. Like someone? Yes.
32. Your favorite color? all of them.
33. When is the last time you laughed? a few minutes ago.
34. Last time you cried? yesterday.
35. Who will/would re-post this? rachael? jen??

and yes, i know, they were supposed to be one-word answers. some were. best i could do!

it's a love hate thang.

expectations.
been thinking a lot about them lately.
love this color blue. love mixing colors to get one just how i want it.
love getting messy.
love that this page took 5 minutes.
because i had no expectations. i just sat and did it. not caring what the end result would be. that's how it should always be.


on to another subject. here is part of my laundry room. you get the general idea. mixed berry (lilac-y/purple) with red shelves. it's kind of retro. and i dig it. the painting is done. things are placed neatly back where they belong. unused items are gone. the room is done. which is nice. if i decide i don't like it later.....i'll paint it again. this is the first room you come into when entering the house from the garage. i'm considering painting the door red. it's currently white. i guess i like bold statements. but i think it might just give the room the extra boost i'm looking for. i would bet you won't find many purple and red laundry rooms. and i like that. so, it's a love/hate thing. you'll either love it....or hate it!

my fave shoes.

this is me, standing in my kitchen, photographing my shoes. yes, i photographed my shoes! these are my favorite pair. black, sleek, with some stitching...pointy....does it get any better? now, on to something else and perhaps more interesting.

i don't submit regularly or often but sometimes i do. so it was a fun mail day today when i received my copies of scrapbook trends embellish idea book and goodie box. if you received the book (or bought it), check it. alexander is on page 133.