why in the fuck does my body wake up at 10pm.

i know this beach has a real name. but i'm pretty sure i will always call it the driving beach. because you can drive on it. yeah. i'm like that. there's a street that will always be the dairy queen street (or road, whatever,) and i know that's not what it's really called either. i am back from my four day trip to astoria without the boys. did i mention i left my kids at home? did i mention how much that fucking rocked? come on. i called and checked on 'em. but it was time for me not to be with them. it was fucking imperative to my fucking sanity.

got up at 4am to catch a 6:25am flight. rented a car and drove. met with real estate agents. looked at houses. in the afternoon i went to the beach. just me. i'm pretty sure the other peeps on the beach thought i must be crazy. i started walking. and then basically walked in this same little pattern (which is some weird shit)....for about two hours. i am so used to keeping my emotions in check (because i'm always with the boys), and, well...emotions are just fucking messy anyway and i hate that shit.....but, uh...i sort of had a little freak out on the beach by myself on friday. so much emotion suddenly came out. i was like...uh...holy shit. so i just fucking walked. i had forgotten what it is like to just do whatever the fuck you want. to do something besides care for two needy little boys. to not really give a fuck what time it is. to just fucken do.....whatever. it killed. i have more to say about my weekend. but not tonight.

got stuck at the airport yesterday (on my way home). while i was waiting i went to the local coffee place and asked for a mocha. i said to the dude, i'd like a mocha, like as fucking hot as you will make it. he looks at me, repeats my words back to me....totally fucken smiles and starts laughing. the dude went and made me the hottest mother fucking mocha i've ever had. and that fucking rocked.

had my appointment with therapist dude today. last week i felt like he 'handled' me a little bit. and it fucking pissed me off. so today i went in with a fucken attitude. told him that shit isn't happening again. and now we are straight. last week when i saw him i think i was faltering. i was worried about the boys (who had been sick for two fucking weeks)...worried about more shit than was worth worrying about. anyway, today i ended up telling him the mocha story and he says to me, you used 'those exact words'?? uh. yeah. he laughed his ass off. i like that about him. he told me he likes that i just fucken say shit. at least most of the time i do. some shit is just harder to say (yeah..had that prob this weekend. wtf). anyway, theraist dude says people will learn not to fuck with me. that will be helpful in the next step of the process. he then gave me some advice on what to do next. straight up. and he is absolutely not supposed to do that. i told him i like that he IS willing to fucken do that. all we really talked about today was the financial aspect of what i am trying to do. there is more we need to discuss.

on a different note, had a conversation with james' mom tonight. as delicately as i could (but still being who i fucken am), i told her some things. fucken sick of should i, shouldn't i...what would james think if i did this....i can't function like that. so i just fucken said shit. i wasn't mean. i was trying to help her. not sure if i did but i am fucking glad i just said it. got it out there. because i can't do this shit anymore. now i'm gettin off the puter. i've got other shit to do.