yes, i like him.

i have flipped him off.
a few times.
have said fuck, or fucken, or fucking.
more times than i can count.
even used mother fucker.
and yes.
there is a difference between fuck, fucken and fucking.
sometimes what you're saying just calls for 'fucken' vs. fucking.
i'm an equal opportunity *f* word user.
anyone who knows me knows i am totally laughing right now!
smiling my smirky smile.
he has made me cry.
made me angry.
and made me see things from a different perspective.
he is my reality check (of sorts).
i have not lied to him.
i am contemplative during our sessions.
sometimes he asks me questions i just don't know how to answer.
and i tell him that.
i have decided i like him.
he's actually pretty funny.
i like that he says it like it is.
he gives me things to think about.
that i might not have thought about otherwise.
he opens me up.
as in being willing to see things differently.
he helps give me direction.
he redirects me.
to where i am trying to be, but aren't sure how to get there.
therapists aren't supposed to form opinions.
but mine has.
i think i like that the best.
he would tell you that he hasn't.
that what he told me is fact, not opinion.
because i asked him about what he said....
i like people who are strong enough to stand up for what they believe in.
whatever that may be.
that and the fact therapist dude can be pretty fucken funny.
he shares just enough of himself so that i relate to him.
he's not stupid.
during our session yesterday he gave me a 'painting' assignment.
he seems concerned that i haven't painted in five months.
he told me to 'paint our sessions'.
i was like...uh....dude.
apparently i haven't yet adequately explained to you how i paint.
it's not to express emotion.
i mean, specifically the emotion of any given day.....
i don't sit in front of a blank canvas and say, 'hmm....today was a fucking great day. how can i get that down on canvas.'
no. that's not how it works for me.
it is fleeting.
it's either there...or it's not.
and right now, it's not.
i must be inspired.
sounds like crap.
but it's true.
so he said this: "even if you put one dot of blue paint on a mother fucken canvas and call it good....do it. if you have to force it, then force it. you need to paint."
i'm working myself up to it.
i told him i was totally gonna fucken paint one blue fucken dot, title it 'here ya go mother fucker' and be done with it. he found that extremely amusing.
and yes, he knows i blog about our sessions.
and that i call him therapist dude.
he is down with it and finds that amusing also.
it is not easy, seeing therapist dude.
i'm not exactly a 'fluffy lay your feelings out there' kinda chick.
and its certainly not fucking cheap.
it's not covered by my insurance.....
and apparently it's important enough to me to go anyway.
i am trying hard, very hard...to find a way out of this.