my eyes hurt bad.they burn.
from being tired and a not so great last two days.
saw therapist dude today.
his first question to me, "have you picked up a brush?"
uh....no.
want to. just can't make myself do it. don't know why.
came to a realization yesterday.
as much as jan has done for me, as much as our friendship has grown, there is a point.
a point where her primary family comes first. and my boys come second.
the logical and analytical side of me is down with that. understands that that's how it is.
the emotional side of me (which i try to avoid and detest) is a bit hurt. rightly or wrongly. it is what it is.
it made me realize that me and me alone is wholly responsible for the boys.
and that pretty much fucken scares me.
as much as i hate it (and i fucking do)....for me to take a trip by myself, i will need to rely on someone else. to care for my children.
guess it's a matter of how important a weekend away is to me.
how badly do i fucken want to figure out where i want to live.
been relying too heavily on jan (and dan and rachael).
dialed it down.
this half-ass walkin around in a fucken daze shit is killin me.
when i paint i am messy.
like, scary kind of messy.
and i am down with it.
haven't painted with oil in so long.
haven't painted anything in so long.
the james dying thing...it's pretty much shaken me to my core.
therapist dude wants me to try some special brething techniques (yoga style) tonight before i go to bed.
maybe that, the 6 advil i just took and the 4 tylemol pm will be enough for me to sleep.
3 comments:
Hi Kimberly, I've been reading you for a while now but never posted. I'm not a doctor, but I'm concerned about the 6 advil and 4 tylenol pm you took. It sounds like an awful lot for your liver/kidneys. Are you alright? I know you're not alright, but at this moment, are you okay? Can you call someone, if you're not?
Sue
I have boys your kids' ages. I know you've been through a LOT. Just know a stranger out here on the east coast is sending you love. I wish you peace and healing. Please post to let us know you're okay.
Hello my Internet Soul Sister. I got to thinking about why you can't paint. You want to but can't seem to pick up a brush. Was wondering if it was because painting is a natural, everyday, this-makes-me happy, this-is-who-I-am kind of action. If you paint it's like its too close to taking a step into My-Life-Without-James and finding you can breathe there, and happiness can be a part of you again. maybe it makes you feel guilty. Or if your the type of painter my dad is (he's an abstract artist) his art IS his therapy. That's where he works out his shit. Maybe your just not ready to let it all go so therefore...no picking up of the brush. Just some food for thought, Chica. Still sending you love and prayers.
Rach
Just read this blog. hmmmmm. this calculates to: 1200mg of Advil, 2 gms (ie 2000mg) Tylenol & 50mg of Benadryl. that is alot. were you also drinking alcohol? not to sound frantic, but all that does not equal sleep-aid, it equals overdose. please be careful. your concerned blogger friend.
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