i just spent the last 30 minutes rocking alexander back and forth.
alexander was......he was....broken.
sadness and anger poured out of him.
he kept saying over and over, 'i miss my daddy. i miss my daddy. why did the virus attack daddy's heart. i miss him. i don't see him anymore.'
it is more than i can stand.
more than any little boy should have to go through.
my entire body is shaking.
i am cold.
and sick to my stomach.
what is fair about this?!
now, in this second, i am angry.
not at james.
at the fact my boys do not have james.
this has been the hardest part for me.
not being able to take away their pain.
i cannot make this better for them.
and fuck i wish i could.
yes...tomorrow is another day.
i can show them life goes on.
that we can live a good, happy life.
but honestly, my heart is not in it.
i am just going through the motions.
hoping that that will be enough until i can fully mean it.
now i'm gettin my shit together.
time to put the boys to bed.