Tuesday, June 02, 2009


if i'm not abusing my body in some way, apparently i'm not happy.
the not sleeping thing has come back with a vengeance. in the last 5 days i've gotten 8 hours of sleep.
haven't painted in two and a half months. and it sucks.
the energy that you put out there comes back to you.
saw therapist dude today (it was E's appointment).
he left me with some parting words. some day i GET to tell the boys the story of how their father died. um...get to?? how about 'have' to.
will they understand why i didn't take them to see their daddy? will they understand it's because i thought it would scare them?
that i didn't want their last memory of their father to be of him attached to 50 machines with weird sounds and smells....
will they understand why i chose to have their daddy taken off the vent?
i sure fucken hope so.
i want the memory of james seizing to leave my head.
i want the memory of james struggling to breathe to go away.
i want the memory of me discussing organ donation out in the hall while james was on life support to leave my head.
i want the memory of james dying (turning blue and purple, gasping for breath) to leave my head.
i want to live my life. not just get through each day.

sunset in the harbor.
would it really be a bad thing to live here?

i don't think so.
some day it would be nice if what i had to say had nothing to do with james. not because i don't love him anymore. i need more than memories in my life. just sayin.


QuirkyGirl said...

I often speak best in song. DMB #41 is one of my favs. I think of you often when I hear it. Especially the line that says: "I will go in this way, but find my own way out." Know that there is love coming to you from a stranger in a little Indiana farmtown.

mary said...

Hello Kimberly,
We had to pick and choose who would be at Chris's side during his death...
We chose not to have my younger two ages now 8 and 12... but my 13 now 14 Y/O I chose had to be there he would of never got it...
I do think the hospital setting for children is a really hard one. I am a nurse by trade, crazy women by life.
They will get it. it may not be when you want them to but they will.
Bad memories are a hard one, as I watched Chris and my children did, starve to death he was a 210 lb man and died at less than 100. It all sucks but it will get better (so they say), it will not ever go away it is an imprint like watching a movie. The flash backs when the impact is so traumatic is a big one.
The other thing I keep thinking is we really do live close maybe we can meet some, it may be good for your boy's and mine ... Think about it?
Heck might be good for us. Got camera will travel...
I always like your pics.

Leah said...

they will understand...they will grow up and they will understand that you did what you thought was best...you are a great mom!