Friday, June 12, 2009


i'm not good at waiting.
and i never will be.
i haven't been to starbucks in 3 weeks.
can't stop listening to dave matthews.
have something i need to do.
but in doing it, i might fuck up a relationship i don't want to fuck up.
i'm really not good at waiting. or did i mention that already.
indecision fucking kills me. HATE it.
talkin about where i'm gonna move to here...
in most other decisions i'm quick.
the reason i haven't painted isn't because "i can't".
painting used to be my refuge.
it carried me away...i got lost...hours went by like minutes.
but now i'm empty.
and exhausted.
that excitement...that's gone.
that is why i can't paint.
i think that bums me out more than anything.
the thing that used to jack me does nothing for me.
somehow i have to fix that.
how do i readjust to me being enough.
it all just seems pointless.
i used to have something good.
how do you go from that to nothing.
i want to be satisfied to sit in front of the computer late at night.
jam to some tunes.
or watch a movie.
and have that be enough.
sometimes it is...but i need it to be enough all the time.
in the times when it isn't enough, that is when i am likely to get myself into trouble.
and do something i shouldn't do.


Violet said...

I'm the same way, Kimb. (Can I call you that? I need a nickname for you...) I haven't been able to throw myself into my art for a while. I used to paint oo, but it doesn't FEEL right for some reason. Or at least it hasn't until now. I dunno.. maybe when you figure it out for you, you can share and in turn help me figure it out for me.

It's good that you realize that what ever it is you want to do that is bad, IS bad, and you try to refrain from doing it. That takes a lot of balls to not just give in. You're a tough ass chick, you know that?

mary said...

My heart feels very heavy for you.... i have so been there and still am a lot of times. My cell # is 916 203 7511 we should get together... when they are done remodeling my house I have an extra bedroom even...
and a big kids room.

Misty said...

August 30th I am going to see DMB and Jason Mraz in Fresno. Wanna come? :D
Kimberly, I cannot imagine what you are dealing with...pros,cons,what-if's.....But I have no doubt, whatever you decide, you will be ok in the end. <3

Patrice~ said...

I hear you.
Check out my ninja post . . . .

QuirkyGirl said...

Yes, this one I know. It's a very old friend. When what your doing isn't enough to scratch that itch of something different and little bit crazy, so you find yourself in some shit. Since BD isn't working for now I'm rebelling and its turning me back into a person I've outgrown years ago. I wonder...does that wild animal in my spirit ever stop fighting the cage I have to put it in???