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alexander at mackerricher. may 2009.
he looks so grown up.
a glimpse of the kid he will become.

i do not like relying on other people.

packing up what i'm gonna move.

getting rid of what i can't take.

which mostly means james' things.

it's a harsh process.

taking a little trip by myself.

boys will stay with dan and jan.

working out the details.

going back to a place i've already been to.

to fucking see if i can figure out if it's where i want to be.

used to be able to trust my judgment.

now i second guess myself. constantly. wtf.

so much of me used to be james.

all that i felt for him. that i still feel for him. but now it has nowhere to go.

i'm afraid at some point i will want someone in my life.

i have strong feelings...about everything...all the time (and that is no fucking shit)....and at some point....i'm afraid i won't be able to stop it.

and that's gonna suck.

because i don't want it.

but i am afraid i will.

and i won't be able to stop it.

psycho-therapy much?

i don't want it because when i do things...i just fucken jump in.

and i don't want to be that connected to another human. ever again.

need to decide where to live.

forward fucken motion man.

fucken gotta have it.