Wednesday, June 17, 2009


alexander at mackerricher. may 2009.
he looks so grown up.
a glimpse of the kid he will become.
i do not like relying on other people.
packing up what i'm gonna move.
getting rid of what i can't take.
which mostly means james' things.
it's a harsh process.
taking a little trip by myself.
boys will stay with dan and jan.
working out the details.
going back to a place i've already been to.
to fucking see if i can figure out if it's where i want to be.
used to be able to trust my judgment.
now i second guess myself. constantly. wtf.
so much of me used to be james.
all that i felt for him. that i still feel for him. but now it has nowhere to go.
i'm afraid at some point i will want someone in my life.
i have strong feelings...about everything...all the time (and that is no fucking shit)....and at some point....i'm afraid i won't be able to stop it.
and that's gonna suck.
because i don't want it.
but i am afraid i will.
and i won't be able to stop it.
psycho-therapy much?
i don't want it because when i do things...i just fucken jump in.
and i don't want to be that connected to another human. ever again.
need to decide where to live.
forward fucken motion man.
fucken gotta have it.


QuirkyGirl said...

I don't have anything to say since I feel just as much in a quandry lately. Just wanted you to know that I'm here.Breathing right along side you.Even if its a country apart.

Marieke said...

Hey. Just checking in on you. Wishing I could get some of that intensity that you live your life with. Me? I feel like I'm holding it all in. That's what I'm good at. Afraid if I show just a small crack in the barriers the flood gates will open and I won't be able to stop it.
Trust your gut K when it comes to big decisions and do not over-think things.
Sending my love, as always.