my eyes hurt bad.
from being tired and a not so great last two days.
saw therapist dude today.
his first question to me, "have you picked up a brush?"
want to. just can't make myself do it. don't know why.
came to a realization yesterday.
as much as jan has done for me, as much as our friendship has grown, there is a point.
a point where her primary family comes first. and my boys come second.
the logical and analytical side of me is down with that. understands that that's how it is.
the emotional side of me (which i try to avoid and detest) is a bit hurt. rightly or wrongly. it is what it is.
it made me realize that me and me alone is wholly responsible for the boys.
and that pretty much fucken scares me.
as much as i hate it (and i fucking do)....for me to take a trip by myself, i will need to rely on someone else. to care for my children.
guess it's a matter of how important a weekend away is to me.
how badly do i fucken want to figure out where i want to live.
been relying too heavily on jan (and dan and rachael).
dialed it down.
this half-ass walkin around in a fucken daze shit is killin me.
when i paint i am messy.
like, scary kind of messy.
and i am down with it.
haven't painted with oil in so long.
haven't painted anything in so long.
the james dying thing...it's pretty much shaken me to my core.
therapist dude wants me to try some special brething techniques (yoga style) tonight before i go to bed.
maybe that, the 6 advil i just took and the 4 tylemol pm will be enough for me to sleep.