so. fucking. exhausted.

we, as humans, spend too much time worrying, comparing, wondering and just generally being unsatisfied. with ourselves. with our lives. with what we have. or don't have.

a person is so much more than how they appear. it's everything, the entire package. the good. the bad. the whatever it is....it's just everything. i appreciate it all. whatever it is. no judgment. i do not expect or demand change. if you expect or want change, it wasn't right for you in the first place.

it's not whether your house is clean and in perfect order. yes, i have peeps coming to stay with me this weekend....should i clean and be all perfect? or fuck it.

it's not whether you're a slob (as in shit everywhere in your house). who the fuck cares. be who you are. and be down with it.

and if you're not? change it. otherwise, cut yourself some slack and move on. those kinds of things just really don't matter.

we need to appreciate what we have.

who we are.

where we are (in life not as in i should appreciate the hell hole i now reside in). because that's never happening.

i struggle with lack of motivation and lack of direction. especially since james died. i have no focus. my strong burning desire (never-ending, or so i thought) to paint is not as strong. it comes and goes. it's been mostly gone. and that sucks some serious ass. nothing seems to really matter.

that's hard for me. because i'm all about consumption. being consumed. by painting. by...well....everything. the brief times i have felt that since james died? best mother fucking moments.

i'm having a hard time figuring out where i want to go. i don't seem capable of making a clear cut decision. which pisses me off. because i can usually do that. so i'm wondering why i can't do that now.

i think i am afraid of making a mistake. it's not just me. it's me and the boys. i fucking hate being unsure of myself. of having other peeps rely on me. that is some scary shit.