Friday, April 24, 2009

there is something to be said for vodka.

last weekend i was happy. well, as 'happy' as i can be, anyway. ~rolling my eyes at myself~ jesus christ i am fucked up.
i was at the ocean.
my only real issue was the boys' behavior (off and on)....specifically on saturday. aside from that i was good. had a little tiny bit of happiness goin' on.
today? i am a fucking mess. and fuck it pisses me off.
it surprises me, how sometimes totally out of the blue my emotions get the better of me. i can miss james so intensely it stops me from breathing. it literally makes me feel like i am going to throw up.
this is how i felt for so long after he first died. i couldn't eat. or sleep. well, today...that's how i feel. what really pisses me off is that this is happening to me six fucking months later. i am fucking sick of it.
it still brings me to tears, every time i think about the boys having so much of their lives ahead of them without james. that is just so sad to me. because he had so much to offer them. so much love for them. so much to teach them. and now they won't have any of it. only what comes from me. and seriously. that is downright mother fucking scary.
trying to pull my shit together since i have people arriving here shortly.
but dude. i so did not feel like being betty mother fucking crocker and baking E's birthday cake today. but i did.
the combination of starting therapy this week, being back from a trip...missing james....and other things....having had a lot of fun on that trip....did i mention being back here? in this hell? yeah. i think i did. not a good combo.
i so want to put this all behind me.
and begin something new.


Violet said...

You're really awesome for baking E's cake. Making his first Birthday without his dad still birthday like. If I were closer to you guys, I'd come over and hold your hand. <3

Leah said...

hugs my friend...and happy birthday to E from me and mags!!
you are one awesome mom...and whether you realize it or not, you have so much important stuff to teach those boys!
love ya girlie!!

Lisa said...

You continue to amaze me. Happy birthday E. And huge hugs to you chick. You are still slogging through it one day at a time and that make you a super mom by any definition