Saturday, July 31, 2010

containment.

this post is for me.
documenting a part of my life in a way i never have before.
this is me.
at my absolute weakest.
what would possess me to grab my iPhone and take THIS photo??
looking at photographs is like stopping time.
you can see yourself (or whatever it is you are looking at) in an EXACT moment.
that, for me, is key.
key in helping me determine just what the fuck it is, or was, that was making me so sad/angry/unhappy/whatever.
in that given moment.
'that moment' is the point where i want to say fuck it.
where i want to let myself fall over the edge.
no, you don't need to be worried about me.
i'm just talking about a momentary break.
a way to escape.
that can be done in many ways.
so far, i have been able to stop myself from going over the edge.
but letting it happen is appealing to me.
because in that nothingness, you're happy.
yes, i know it's a false happy.
but it's a break.
my pattern is this.
i get sad.
then angry.
then pissed off.
yes, angry and pissed off are two different things to me.
then i get the attitude that i don't give a fuck.
it's hard to come back from that.
easy to let myself go.
for a bit.
as i have been doing a lot lately, i struggled with whether or not to post this.
i considered writing it, and just leaving it unposted in drafts.
but this is me.
there is this part of me.
a part i am....well....constantly trying to contain.
this is not a cry for help.
i am fine.
so no 'kimberly, seek help' comments.
i would never do anything to cause pain to my boys.
it is my plan to ALWAYS be here for them.
if you don't like what you read here, stop reading.
i'm just sayin.
the boys do not see this side of me.
i need a place to let it out.
and this is it.
on the up side (and this makes me laugh)...and no people, i'm really not crazy, i have damn cute hair.
tonight, at least.
as you can see, i overcame the moment of weakness.
now i am back to being my smart-ass self.
all is well.
i just feel it's important for me to post this.
it's almost as if my blog (at times) has become my art journal.
sans the art part. *sigh* how i miss making art.
i seem to be so completely touched, and easily overcome by music.
that was what set me off earlier, sitting here at my desk.
the boys were taking their showers.
i was listening to music.
as i always do.
and a song came on that just brought on this rush of powerful emotion.
it overtook me.
filled me with so much emotion.
the only way i could deal was to let it out.
that's how i roll.
i keep it all inside.
and then something totally unrelated to all the crap brings it out.
a song.
a simple song.
a melody.
and then it ALL comes pouring out.
and then it passes.
and all is well.

7 comments:

QuirkyGirl said...

You're beautiful.

Thank you for granting me the permission to be apart of where you are.

It takes great courage to expose yourself during vulnerable moments.

Now I have an incredibly important question to ask you....

What was the song?? Hey, it's me and you know me and lyrics (Shrugs)

Melissa said...

I'm shy about commenting a lot, but your latest posts have been really amazing. I'm cheering you on for being yourself and letting it out. Grief has to be acknowledged or it will come out sideways in strange ways. You are honoring James memory by honoring your grief.

Leah said...

you do have cute hair...and cute glasses too! I want to run to the airport right now and get on a plane and knock on your door at some unreasonable hour and give you a big full frontal hug and drink whatever for the rest of the night...I love you.

Ingrid said...

i'm so very glad you have a place to rant and rave and grieve - and yes, celebrate and be grateful, too - without censoring and, i hope, for the most part without judgement.

grief is so very personal, and no one can tell you whether you are doing it "right" or not; i, for one, think you are incredible, strong, and brave, and i think you are exactly where you need to be, even if you don't feel that way. i think you are an AMAZING mother. those kiddies of yours are very lucky to have you in their lives.

oh, kimberly, if i were there i'd give you a gigantic hug. you're doing (i'm running out of positive adjectives!) incredible things, and i'm proud of you!

lots of love,
ingrid

Michelle T said...

Hi Kimberly,

I still visit your blog on a regular basis and am always taken a back (in a good way) by your raw honesty and sometimes wish I could be as brave as you are. Grief hits us all differently and we all deal with it differently, but it takes a very special person to face it head on as you do.

Michelle

Carrie K said...

you make everything inside me bust open...

soul sister...

jo marks said...

you are awesome xxx