Tuesday, July 27, 2010


i shouldn't post right now.
but here's what i say.
fuck it.
i have spent too much time NOT posting things because of what i 'should' do.
it's making me fade away.
why do people constantly bombard you with what THEY think YOU should be.
or do.
who can possibly think that my life is perfect.
i know the answer to that but i won't actually type it out.
my best friend, the man i love (here's where i'm not sure if i should put loved or love). because i loved him when he was alive. and i still love him now.
how can someone judge MY life.
when they haven't watched their husband with tubes and machines.
haven't smelled the smells that accompany days on end in a hospital.
how your husband doesn't look like your husband anymore.
he doesn't smell the way he used to smell.
you can't smell 'him' anymore.
only the plastic vent tube smell.
the smell of putrid liquid going into your husband through a feeding tube.
watched him go through hell, losing who he was because some random mother fucking virus attacked his heart.
because i was able to sell my house, and have another one built....my life is perfect.
just in case you were wondering.
what's not to love?
raising two children who miss their father more than anything.
telling them their father died.
watching the man you love with mucus coming out of his mouth because there's a ventilator tube down his throat.
so you take the suction thing and suck it out.
because it's the right thing to do.
because he deserves dignity.
looking at the man you love, laying in a hospital bed.
with eyes that don't see you.
with a body that doesn't respond.
making the decision to take him off life support.
living your life without him.
but yeah. life is perfect.
because i can make my house payment.
would it make you happier if i couldn't??
is that what you want?!
i will get this out and then feel better.
i KNOW i am lucky.
you better fucking believe i know that.
and i CAN do this.
i AM doing it.
and finding ways to grab on to little bits of happy.
hoping to find a way to hold on to more.
and i am angry (sometimes).
angry that i have NOTHING close to a regular family.
every relationship i have with my 'immediate' family is somehow fucked up.
i have not one single person that i can turn to.
and be completely open and honest with and feel like i am not being judged.
i have to find a way to let this anger go.
because it burns inside me.
it's always there.
and the relationship my boys have with james' family is pretty much nonexistent.
i guess if anything is ever to change, *I* must be the one that changes it.
why is that.
why is it always me making the effort.
i sometimes think certain peeps in my family say and do things out of jealousy.
jealously that i might have something they do not.
maybe jealousy isn't the right word.
maybe it's just they are so unhappy in their own world that they feel they must compare theirs to yours?
why can't people just be happy for you when good things happen.
and be there for you when they don't.
why does THEIR judgment have to enter the picture.
i just shake my head.
and now it's out.
and i feel better.
time to move on.


QuirkyGirl said...

I'm not gonna say a thing. I'm just gonna tell you that today is another one of those times that I'd really like to sit at your kitchen table with coffee and let you kick and scream and cuss and say whatever you wanted to uninterupted. I'd sit there just so you'd have a real live person to hear you scream. Cuz sometimes you just need to scream out loud. But others you need to have someone to hear you do it so you don't feel like you're so alone...or crazy (lol) I'd like to be able to do that for you.

katrynka said...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with crap like that. I can't really see how someone can call your situation "lucky"??? Obviously you are thankful that on top of everything else you have to deal with, you don't have to worry about the roof over your head. I pity the people who are so petty and small minded.

Leah said...

hugs my friend...full frontal!

Anonymous said...

I know I have not written in a while... This post just hit me like a knife in my heart. I get it !!! I am still so in love with a dead man, I still cry ,and I am still angry.
No house and no amount of money will ever take it all away, there are only a few who really know the burning pain of death. I also really get the family thing, oh do I get that one. I always read your words. I am also just moving at the speed of light and don't stop to write. I care about you and the boys even though I have never met you. Blessings sent your way...