Thursday, August 05, 2010

anyone want to count how many times the word fuck has been written in this post?

unedited iPhone photo.
i have told myself i am stupid about 50 million times today.
for even thinking about opening myself up.
what the fuck was i thinking.
someone snap me out of it.
fucking shake some sense into me.
i fucking lost my mind and was acting crazy.
what the fuck was i thinking.
thinking, 'wouldn't it be nice'.
but clearly i am an idiot.
here is where i'd really like to spell out exactly what it is i am talking about.
but i can't.
unless i quick go start another blog.
so i'll just be vague.
for now.
to think i even thought there might be something.
clearly i am an idiot.
what. the fuck. was i thinking.
today has not been a good day.
a happy day.
it's been filled with holy fuck.
i have to rewind and suck that shit back in.
not anything i've said.
my actions.
because actions speak louder than words.
my actions have been unexplainable.
clearly i lost my fucking mind.
my reaction to recent events has, however, made it clear to me what it i want.
whether i'm ready to admit it or not.
yeah. and i'm not.
i'm going to squash it down.
make it go the fuck away.
i am angry at myself.
i thought i was in control.
turns out i was wrong.
turns out there are some things you just CAN'T control.
letting yourself become slightly vested in anything opens up the possibility of hurt.
and anger.
yeah, that was scarcasm.
holy fucking crap.
did i mention i'm angry at myself?
oh yeah. i think i did.
course, it also opens up other possibilities.
i am aware of that.
and it was only a tiny step i was considering.
i'm finding myself full of shit.
apparently i talk big.
about wanting to life live.
but when it comes down to it...
i am scared.
i feel like i've lost something.
something i didn't know i wanted until the possibility was yanked away.
maybe it was never even there to begin with.
i hope all this fucking shit goes away soon.
i prefer the feel nothing but get through the day without crying option.


Anonymous said...

I can feel your pain in the last 2 posts. Fu#* is a perfectly reasonable word given the situation you have been dealing with. Girl, you have a lot on your plate and no real network of support around you. Your family is only sort-of-there and being in a new town leaves you without your close friend.

We all screw up- and at times we going into situations knowing that it is likely to end up bad. This is because we are only human....we are not perfect.... shit happens.


Michelle Springer said...


I read your blog frequently. I rarely comment. Mostly it provides me with glimpses of where you are with your life, your thoughts and I never want to intrude and post something that may seem inconsequential to you at the time. I know Kurt Cobain stole this quote from a a French Nobel prize winning author that said "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not"

Bonnie said...

Hi, Bonnie, owner of the beautiful pears painting. I can read how much you are hurting and I am sending you honest to goodness real prayers and giant hugs. Here is something I have been working on: 1) cut myself even 1/2 the slack I give others (if I did this one thing it would change my life); 2) practice disappointing others. Somehow I like this plan and it really helps me remember to focus on me, not the other crap around me or expectations. For what it's worth, you are amazing girl, and one helluva F#(%) artist (that should increase the number of F-bombs on your post. :)

QuirkyGirl said...

I love you, Friend. I'm not going to placate or send platitudes. I'm just going to read the honesty of your words and love you just the same. Cause I do. Having met you or not, I know you. We're kindred, you and me. That means I get to tell you I love you and mean it.