2009.07.31

earlier today?
98 fucking degrees or some shit.
then the clouds rolled in.
and it rained.
you know...
a nevada rain storm.
which means it poured for 10 minutes.
then it was over.
i love it when it rains.
so i told the sick one (E) to get in the car.
zan too.
and we went for a drive.
in the rain.
windows down.
music blasting.
it cooled off to 62 degrees.
it was freaking awesome.
all the windows in my house are now open.
the door to the outside in my bedroom is open too.
sick kid is on the couch.
the other one is running around half naked. whatever.
spent the morning with jan. nice.
reminded me of high school when heather pezzullo and i used to ditch school and go lay out in her back yard.
i am freakishly afraid of two things:
parking garages (i hate hate hate them).
and....having to stop under an overpass (which happens all the time when i get on the freeway heading toward my house).
yeah.
like at that exact moment the fucking thing is gonna fall down on top of me?
or an earthquake is gonna hit and that'll be it.
i am a freak.
it is my intention to paint.
on sunday.
now i've said it.
gotta make it happen.
one blue fucking dot.
that totally made me laugh out loud.
seriously tempted to take a huge-ass canvas in to therapist dude.
with one blue fucken dot.
therapist dude says i won't allow myself to paint because painting is something i love. it's immersion. and release. it allows me to think about nothing but that. to be in that moment. he thinks that i think (did you all get that...) that if i allow myself to paint i would be allowing myself to be happy. and right now i don't think i should be happy. so he says. i'm still thinking about that. could be a combination of that...that and the fact i am just not inspired. he says i'm not allowing myself to become inspired...because..yeah..i won't allow myself to be happy. dunno. i'm thinkin 'bout it....
going to bed early tonight.
feeling like crap.
E passed on his delightful congestion/cold thing.
yay.
maybe i'll go stretch some canvas.
right now.
and that will fucking inspire me SO much i will paint all night.
um...yeah....probably not.
but i do think i'll go stretch some canvas and put the first layer of gesso on.
so i have a canvas to work with on sunday.
it will be the first time in five months i will have touched canvas.

yes, i like him.

i have flipped him off.
a few times.
have said fuck, or fucken, or fucking.
more times than i can count.
even used mother fucker.
and yes.
there is a difference between fuck, fucken and fucking.
sometimes what you're saying just calls for 'fucken' vs. fucking.
i'm an equal opportunity *f* word user.
anyone who knows me knows i am totally laughing right now!
smiling my smirky smile.
he has made me cry.
made me angry.
and made me see things from a different perspective.
he is my reality check (of sorts).
i have not lied to him.
i am contemplative during our sessions.
sometimes he asks me questions i just don't know how to answer.
and i tell him that.
i have decided i like him.
he's actually pretty funny.
i like that he says it like it is.
he gives me things to think about.
that i might not have thought about otherwise.
he opens me up.
as in being willing to see things differently.
he helps give me direction.
he redirects me.
to where i am trying to be, but aren't sure how to get there.
therapists aren't supposed to form opinions.
but mine has.
i think i like that the best.
he would tell you that he hasn't.
that what he told me is fact, not opinion.
because i asked him about what he said....
i like people who are strong enough to stand up for what they believe in.
whatever that may be.
that and the fact therapist dude can be pretty fucken funny.
he shares just enough of himself so that i relate to him.
he's not stupid.
during our session yesterday he gave me a 'painting' assignment.
he seems concerned that i haven't painted in five months.
he told me to 'paint our sessions'.
i was like...uh....dude.
apparently i haven't yet adequately explained to you how i paint.
it's not to express emotion.
i mean, specifically the emotion of any given day.....
i don't sit in front of a blank canvas and say, 'hmm....today was a fucking great day. how can i get that down on canvas.'
no. that's not how it works for me.
it is fleeting.
it's either there...or it's not.
and right now, it's not.
i must be inspired.
sounds like crap.
but it's true.
so he said this: "even if you put one dot of blue paint on a mother fucken canvas and call it good....do it. if you have to force it, then force it. you need to paint."
i'm working myself up to it.
i told him i was totally gonna fucken paint one blue fucken dot, title it 'here ya go mother fucker' and be done with it. he found that extremely amusing.
and yes, he knows i blog about our sessions.
and that i call him therapist dude.
he is down with it and finds that amusing also.
it is not easy, seeing therapist dude.
i'm not exactly a 'fluffy lay your feelings out there' kinda chick.
and its certainly not fucking cheap.
it's not covered by my insurance.....
and apparently it's important enough to me to go anyway.
i am trying hard, very hard...to find a way out of this.

therapist dude. july 27, 2009

my friend leah and her daughter maggie this past weekend in san francisco. love this photo!

alexander loves leah. she held his hand, he talked. and talked. and talked. he even did a little twirl as they were walking. SO cute. god i love that kid!

me and the boys. the boys and i? whatever. at every little jewelry stand we passed (and i do mean EVERY one)...we stopped. i am always looking for (and wearing) hippy shit. bracelets...chokers...clothes... found a bracelet with a peace sign on it. if it didn't have leather on it i would SO have bought it. but you know...whatever...i don't eat cows...don't really wanna wear one either.

alexander eating clam chowder in a sourdough bowl. what else ya gonna have for lunch in SF?! the first two pics i took with my iPhone. the other pics leah took and was kind enough to send to me.

had my appointment with theraist dude today. i mentioned that therapist dude said four words to me a couple weeks ago. four important words. he said, "it's not your fault." he said it over and over again to me. apparently doing so had some sort of impact on me. because i remember him saying those words to me. he was talking about me taking james off of life support.

today, he again left me with words. short and sweet. otherwise i wouldn't be able to retain what he said. sometimes i walk out of there not remembering much of what i have said. his words for me today were "they have no power over you." i have been putting too much energy into something. something i will never be able to figure out or understand. i have been allowing them power over me. we were talking about james' family. therapist dude wants me to think about his words. i'm sure he will want to talk more about them next week.

i don't have a lot of positive feedback/reinforcement in my life. but today therapist dude told me that he has never seen such devotion. such a strong sense of care and compassion. depth of love. he was talking about me, caring for james during the 10 years he was sick, and during the time he was in the hospital (the last time). i thought that was interesting. because i don't see myself that way.

time for yoga. then a movie. tomorrow morning? getting more shit cut out of my face and more lasered off. here's to small non-noticeable scars and quick healing. i will be SO glad to finally have this shit done.

things that i know. july 26, 2009.

ice cream at ghiradelli square. it had to be done.

pics taken with my iPhone. i didn't take my cam this weekend. anyone who knows me will now pass out. i take my cam EVERYWHERE. just wasn't into it. so i left it at home.

sea lions are cute.

but stinky.

E is still in there...somewhere.

he can be reached.

it's just hard to do.

my kids no longer want happy meals.

they want 'adult' meals.

they are 6 (almost) and 8.

uh...adult meals?! really??

not only do they want them, they can eat the entire thing.

yes, i took my kids to mcdonalds while on the road.

got a problem with that? ;-)

mcdonalds puts crack in their coke.

otherwise i wouldn't be addicted.

E in some ways is coming into his own.

the kid who was afraid to go to the deep end is now swimming to and in the deep end.

the kid who was afraid to put his face in the water begged me for goggles.

so i bought them.

and he used them.

actually swam with his face in the water.

it was awesome.

yes, we spent time in the pool...heated pool i might add...

to see E come out of his shell of fear...at least a little bit...it's huge.

while walking around SF with leah and mags (i have photos but don't want to post without leah's approval)...E saw a bracelet (for boys)...and he asked me to buy it for him. it's got the symbol for 'no fear' on it. perfect. fits him. and his personality...that he's growing into. he's been wearing the bracelet (um, do you call it a bracelet if it's for a boy??)....since i bought it for him. he's sleeping with it on. and i love that. fits his little hippy/surfer dude thing he's got goin on.

i saw some happiness on his face this weekend.

and that was the fucking best thing ever.

he was so proud of the bracelet...that it has the symbol for 'no fear'.

he thanked me and hugged me....

he held my hand...

to see the kid that he used to be come out...if ever so briefly...and i do mean briefly...

but i know he's in there.

the traffic in san francisco SUCKS.

spending time in san francisco is an assault on the senses (in a good way).

where else can you breathe in the sea air, coffee, sourdough bread, crab and pot all in one breath. yes. i said pot. as in marijuana. not mine. but someone was having an awfully nice day in SF. ;-)

road trips make me fucking feel better.

i love the 'idea' of SF.

the cooler temperatures.

the ocean.

the culture.

all the different people.

i fit in there more than i do here, that's for sure.

but it's too big for me.

and the traffic sucks. like SUCKS kind of sucks.

if i could find a microcosm.....

that didn't cost a million fucking dollars to live in...

and was really small enough....SF might be the place for me.

you know..as long as there was no traffic.

or earthquakes.

or quite so many people....

yeah...i'm lookin for a smaller, less inhabited kind of place.

say maybe an island somewhere! lol...

where the boys and i will be safe.

because i worry about that now.....

but SF will always be one of my fave places.

these are the things i know for sure:

i will not live somewhere where it's fucking hot.

i don't want to live in a city as big as SF.

i'm a smaller place kind of peep.

SF weather is perfect. for me.

it was a nice weekend.

now everyone knows i'm fucking blind.

just...as in about 30 seconds ago...took this photo using my iPhone.
i have zero tolerance for bullshit.
i always say it like it is.
life is too short to fuck around.
something happened to me when james died.
i just couldn't deal with the bullshit anymore.
i can only take so much.
when i reach that point...
i can no longer remain silent.
meetin up with my girlfriend leah in san fran this weekend.
her daughter, mags..and E...good stuff.
we're hittin ghiradelli square for some ice cream.
that's the only 'must do' of the weekend.
there is a pool and a hot tub in my future.
jammin to tunes while i drive.
just gettin the fuck outta here.
and this unbearable triple digit heat.

my nephew wants to get a tattoo with me.

dixie rose tattoo shop.
come on.
ya gotta love it.
my nephew, matthew, wants us to go together and get a tattoo.
only prob is...where i want my tatoo?
he shouldn't be seein' that.
allergies are kicking my ass today.
spent an hour of my day yesterday practicing yoga.
trying a new unwind/end of the day yoga tonight.
3 lonely little red bulls left my fridge.
haven't had any red bull in a couple of months.
everything...and i do mean everything...from the attic and garage has now been sorted through, packed, sold or donated. that was my weekend project. getting rid of everything i had gone through.
it is done.
the garage is very empty.
two people asked me this weekend if i am divorced.
one person (who obviously doesn't know me well) asked me what my husband does for a living.
my friend jan told me today, as we were driving down the road, she is sad that i am moving.
she told me i am funny.
it's interesting the way people see you.
not the way you see yourself, that's for sure.
i see myself as scarcastic (moreso than funny)...slow with comebacks..but when i finally do think of 'em they're damn good. ;-)
jan says i am strong.
i can be.
but am not always.
she says i am not paralyzed.
that i am getting things done.
my head is clearer than it was in the beginning.
i see therapist dude tomorrow.
since our appointment last week i have replayed the four words he said to me.
"kimberly, it's not your fault."
are therapists allowed (uh...like there's some rule book??) to tell you those kinds of things?
even if they are not, i am glad mine did. that he does.....that he WILL do that.
with the concentration and focus on breathing during yoga, i hope to be able to slow (and calm the pounding of my heart).
i can make the shell of my body relax.
but have yet to get to my core.
to truly relax.
to control my heart rate.
my heart often beats...no....pounds in my chest.
i can feel my pulse throughout my body.
it's a trip.
i'd like to be able to control it.
by breathing...and focus....
i think that is some powerful shit.
i am going to do yoga every day for the next week.
even when i hurt (some of the poses are damn hard)
there will be no excuses.
part of yoga for me, is trying to get myself back in balance.
to put the things that occupy my mind...totally out of my mind.
to let go.
also hoping it will help me sleep.
pandora is pissing me off (their sneaky commercial inbetween the occasional song.
sick of the one hundred million billion degree temps over these last few days.
did i mention how much i hate hot weather??!!
think i upset james' sister this weekend.
i think james' mom is wondering if i even have a heart right now.
because i have gotten rid of so much of his stuff.
not something i think she was prepared to deal with.
since the boys and i were sick my appetite is fucked.
all i want is ice cream, candy bars and coke. oh. red licorice too.
i find that yoga on a full stomach is NOT a good idea.
especiallay if your stomach is full of...uh...ice cream. candy bars. and yeah...coke.

this is a trip!

i don't have many photographs from my childhood.
i have two.
and this is one of them.
i know i have said this before.
i feel things SO fucking strongly.
everything.
when i feel joy, it's unbelievably amazing.
when i feel sadness....it's unbelievably overwhelming.
some days the rush of up and down is so volatile it makes my head spin.
today has just been one of those incredibly high/low days.
up...then down. then up...then down.
it's at the end of the day.
when the boys are in bed.
that the crash comes pounding down on me.
it's almost like a huge ass wave.
that's the best way i can describe it.
that's why i think therapist dude might need to reevaluate his diagnosis.
i'm thinking he's missed something.
because this doesn't feel normal.
maybe it's grief...being on with the boys 24/7...i don't know..
maybe it's me being absolutely fucking exhausted.
i don't know a single person who feels things like i do.
as intensely as i do.
the high highs. fucking low lows. no middle ground.
someone's single act of kindness can bring me to tears.
i can go through james' things....and do it methodically...not feeling anything....
until later.
then i do.
when i think i'm handling it....doing shit....
a few days later..a week even...it comes back and fucks with me.
james' mom now knows the boys and i are leaving.
moving.
i wasn't going to tell her until i knew for sure where we are going.
and what, exactly, i am doing.
but she has heard bits and pieces (from he boys when she sees them)....
and i made the mistake of telling her i am going through everything in the garage....
and she flat out asked me.
so i told her.
i have to say that james dying has been isolating.
i tend to be isolated anyway.....just my personality...
i know many people.
but have very few real 'friends'.
but the ones i have, i have for life.
but the isolation thing....
sometimes that's how i want it.
sometimes it's not.
today was just like...fucking....wow.
and i fucking want to know when my new yoga dvd's will get here.
that is pissing me off.
amazon has never been so fucking slow!
had bunko here tonight.
12 chicks.
some serious loudness.
it was fun.
yet sad too....
some of the girls talking about their husbands.
my life is just so different now.
and i am truly really fucking tired of the roller coaster.
seriously.
i just want to be mellow.
and chill.
and fucking get on with it.
so i'm wondering, that if i want that so bad...
why can't i just fucking make it happen.

not only am i gonna flip the fucker off, i just might punch him too.

i love boats.
like absolutely love love love them. am fascinated by them. all different kinds.
this is one i found during my last trip to astoria.
some day i will paint this boat.
you know, when i paint again.
some day.
i hate shopping.
i would rather do anything than run around all fucking day shopping.
had my appointment with therapist dude today.
i asked him how i get the images of james on life support and actually dying out of my brain. those images keep replaying themselves inside my head. and i'd like it to stop. his answer: i can't. those memories are a part of james, just like all the good memories. uh....not the answer i was looking for. he says i need to bombard myself with positive images of james. that that will help keep the horrific memories from coming so often.

we then talked about how one day, when the boys are older, i will have to explain to them that i was the one who decided to have their father taken off the ventilator. and why and how i came to that decision. not a conversation i'm looking forward to. but the boys deserve to know the whole story of their father. when they are older.

the night before last i was reading story to the boys in alexander's room. we were all piled on alexander's bed when ethan asked me where daddy is. as in, where is his body. ethan thinks james is now a pile of bones. he wanted to know if daddy was buried. i had a service for james (and the boys were there). at the time it didn't occur to me that they would ever wonder where his body was. so we had the discussion of if a person doesn't want to be buried, they can be cremated. then i had to explain the process of cremation (at least so they would understand and begin to grasp the concept...i did not go into full details). i did not tell them where james' ashes are. but of course, alexander asked. i told him they are somewhere safe. i didn't tell alexander where they are because i didn't want him to be scared or spooked, or feel strange....james' ashes are, in fact, in this house.....at some point we will go together (the boys and i), and spread james' ashes in the right place. so i had to explain to the boys that sprinkling the ashes of their father will be a sign of respect, it will be a part of the full cycle of life. we will be returning their father to earth. to nature. with this ceremony/process will come closure. and dudes. that is a lot of shit to explain to an almost 6 year old and an 8 year old.

therapist dude then decided it would be good for us to discuss my apparent guilt over my decision to have james taken off life support. he was pushing me today. and i was getting pissed. pissed because 1) i hate to cry. and he was making me cry. and 2) well....he was just pissing me off. he says he knows he is on target with me when he sees that fiery/don't fuck with me/you're pissing me off look in my eye. he was so there today.

i know i have healed some. but, apparently, am still raw when it comes to this particular topic. i know it was the right thing to do. when blood clots go to your brain, and leave you paralyzed, and your brain bleeds...bad things happen. your brain stops knowing what to do and how to do it. you are no longer eligible for a heart transplant. when your heart, which was only functioning at 10%...can't take the additional stress on your body and pretty much quits working....there really was no other choice. james would not have wanted to live like that. he couldn't have survived. i know all these facts. but even so, it's a big deal. and something i will always question myself about. i know deep in my heart it was the right thing to do. i knew, when making the decision, that some day i would have to explain all of this to the boys. knowing that i was still able to come to the decision that i did.

i just left alexander's room. he was crying. crying because he misses james. misses his daddy. i was in bed with him, cuddling him, holding him, talking to him....telling him it's okay to be sad. okay to cry. he is so very sad because he knows he will never see his daddy again. i told him yes, daddy is physically gone. and it's not the same...but....he is still a part of our lives. i told alexander i will help him remember the things about james that he needs to know. that we will find a way to be happy again. and will do it all the while remembering james, making him a part of the boys' lives as much as i can....all the while i find a way to go on and be happy too. it seems impossible to me. but i know it's not. it IS what is going to happen.

so yeah. good luck to myself on the yoga thing tonight. so fucken not happening. lol... i think it will be next to imossible for me to quiet my mind tonight. but i will try.

oh, ethan lost is first tooth today too. omg. please please please don't let me forget to take the tooth and put money under his pillow tonight. because that would suck. he was so excited he could hardly stand it.

stream of consciousness.

impression, sunrise.
monet of course.
painted in 1873 when monet
was in le havre.
i loved art history in college.
one of my fave pieces of his.
my newest obsession (holy crap like i need another one)....lemonade.
since the boys and i got sick it's the only thing i can drink.
i feel like i've been throwing our life away.
i have gotten rid of so much shit.
going through everything from the attic and the garage.
almost done.
the single car side of my garage is now stacked with boxes and bins that are ready to go.
ready to be moved.
getting rid of the big-ass desk upstairs in the loft.
when i move i am downsizing.
i'm preparing for that.
getting back into yoga.
morning yoga. and yoga before i go to bed at night.
trying to focus myself.
it's actually pretty fucking hard.
got the results back from the crap i had cut out of my face.
it was not cancer.
i knew it wouldn't be.
going back in on the 14th for a little reconstruction.
therapist dude thinks part of the reason i want to move is related to james.
uh...fucken duh.
lol...actually i'm not sure about that.
one of the first coherent thoughts i had not long after james died was the fact i no longer had to live here.
i was free to move.
it was sort of shocking to realize.
sucky way for it to happen...but yeah..whatever.
i hate it here. and always have.
i'm not expecting my life to change completely after i move.
i'm not thinking i will all the sudden become completely and totally happy.
but it will be a start.
i feel like i'm waiting to start over.
start something new.
and can't do it here.
don't want to do it here.
moving will be isolating.
that's the only bad part about it.
but i'm already isolated.
kicking some ass with my iPhone.
figuring out how to do shit. that rocks.
still haven't painted.
wish the feeling would just be so strong that i couldn't stop it...and i would HAVE to paint.
but, uh.... yeah. that's not happening.
not yet anyway.
still listening to music non-stop.
and breaking up fights between the boys.
holy crap when is summer over.
oh. did i say that out loud?
i mean, i love my children.
i'm enjoying every second of summer.
omg. anyone who know me knows how funny that is.
next month is my trip away for the weekend without the boys.
maybe i'll make a fucking decision about something.
that's a novel idea.
in any event...i'm looking forward to the time away.
to just be me.
and not a mom.
i'm sure i won't fucking know what to do with myself.
have made some calls to superintendent's offices at a few schools in places we might go.
to get info.
taking small steps.
next on the agenda, putting the house on the market.
well, you know...AFTER i figure out where to go.
i AM fucking doing this.

ps: eva, if you read this, i want you to how much i appreciate you. i have lost your email address. email me. dawnay@gmail.com

the tv is on but there is no volume.

for the last few months i have been walking around not really giving a crap.
and it shows.
i have found myself not smiling at the person at the target checkout counter.
and i used to.
always.
my overall demeanor/temperament has changed.
i'm not sure if it's spending time with therapist dude.
or me just figuring shit out.
or nothing at all.
maybe i have been angry.
no. i know i have been angry.
but i thought it wasn't so much at the forefront.
but there have been small changes in my outlook.
my flip attitude has taken over. completely.
my friendly demeanor has become less-friendly.
this is the last thing i want to show/teach the boys.
this is not who i am.
i keep saying fuck, get over it. deal with it. it happened. now get on with it.
and i thought i was dealing with it.
maybe i have been.
in teeny tiny chunks.
i feel like when james died, some of my gentleness was ripped away.
some of my care and compassion. my ability to understand....feel empathy.
it made me harder.
less open to the world.
less open to kindness, to being kind.
i've been sad...and helping the boys deal with their sadness and grief. and anger.
part of my problem is how deeply i feel everything.
including sadness. and anger.
it literally can take my breath away.
i need to get back to my core.
i will never be the same.
but i also don't need to become someone i don't recognize or want to be.
i am still in control of how i handle this and what i do from here forward.
what comes around goes around.
i believe in positive thinking/energy.
i need to be able to bring about a sense of peace for myself.
and for the boys.
i will focus on how to change my situation. our situation.
am i all the sudden going to morph back into the person i used to be?
hell no.
i'll still be angry more than i should be.
but i am aware of it.
and can take small steps to change it.
took off alexander's training wheels today.
i taught him how to ride with two wheels.
and two wheels only.
he was so happy.
so proud of himself.
it was adorable.
and sad.
but i tried not to focus on the part where james wasn't there to see it.
hoping to be back to 100% tomorrow.
haven't puked all day. yay.
3 days of not eating.
here's to gettin on the scale in the morning.
and that totally made me laugh out loud.

kind of a long post.

james was 28 when he was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy/congestive heart failure.
he was sick for 10 years.
i will forever be grateful he was in my life.
he was THE best man i have ever met.
i don't know what other words to use to describe him.
he was just it for me.
i thought we would be together forever.
we have been through a lot together.
while there was much good in our lives, there was also much stress and worry during the 10 years he was sick.
i have a lot of healing to do.
i know for sure i have to get out of here.
i feel stuck. i don't belong here.
to change that, i need to take the next step.
and actually move.
therapist dude and i had a chat about expectations and labels.
he now knows some of the things i have done since james died.
and surprisingly enough, he was down with much of what i have done.
doesn't think i should feel guilty.
i thought i didn't feel guilty.
but apparently i 'think' i should...and have been spending time wondering why i don't.
therapist dude was specifically trying to diagnose (or not diagnose) me at our last session.
out of 7 areas, only two are of concern to him.
which is pretty good.
considering my frame of mind on a daily basis. ha.
the last three days have been strange.
first E got sick.
then alexander.
then me.
we had to cancel our plans for the 4th.
which is a fucking bummer.
it's been isolating.
barely being able to get out of bed yet still taking care of your sick kids can do that to ya.
not wanting to move...but having to clean up puke...while puking at the same time yourself.
so not fun.
james was the only person i could rely on.
now i have no one i can rely on (the way i could james).
yet i have people relying on me (the boys).
listening to dave matthews.
and coldplay.
the tv on in the background with no volume.
i know that somehow i will figure all this shit out.
and will do it with very little guidance or support.
actually the guidance i get now comes from therapist dude.
and the support i get comes from jan.
having trouble sleeping tonight.
tomorrow i'm hoping to feel well enough to leave the house.
the boys need not to be home-bound.
hopefully we will all be well tomorrow.
i have thought about making my blog private.
because it really is just for me.
to leave my thoughts.
to help sort through them.
it is not a place i wish to be judged.
by a person who doesn't leave their name....but posts anonymously.
by a person who doesn't know the full story behind some of the things i write.
james and i were self-sufficient.
he was my family.
he was the person who cared for me.
loved me.
made things better.
he supported me through it all.
i did the same for him.
we just went together.
belonged together.
and now i don't have that.
and i'm trying to readjust.
so for anyone reading what i write, and judging me...i shake my head.
have you been in my shoes?
if you had you would not be judging me.
going to try and sleep.
with my iPod jammin some tunes into my mind.