Tuesday, May 05, 2009

stream of consciousness.

blurry photo but i don't care.
it conveys a feeling of freedom.
this is me in lincoln city. or at least the bottom half of me. ha!
jan makes me aware of things that i easily forget.
ethan respects her. and that is saying something.
i am failing my oldest son. in certain respects anyway.
why can't i give him everything he needs all at the same time?
i absolutely mother fucking SUCK at keeping it all together.
i can focus on a few things...but then other things get out of control....it's a fucking never-ending circle of shit.
i always feel like i am barely hanging on or that i have to catch up.
i can do the things that have to be done. but then i fail at other things.
how hard can it be??
so totally not looking for 'you can do it, it'll all be okay' comments. i'm just sayin.
seeing a therapist sucks. i fucking always feel like crying when i am there. and crying sucks. what. are they just not fuckin doing their job unless they make you feel like you want to cry?!
i am pretty sure that i will, in fact, flip him off again. because he pisses me off. i think he finds me amusing. which makes me smile my smirky smile.
i want to be so over all this shit.
i want to be in control of my emotions. to be in control of every aspect of my life (as much as a person can be anyway).
i want to rely on no one.
i don't want to need anyone.
and it pisses me off that i might, some day....need someone.
needing someone makes you vulnerable and i am so not going there.
i always feel like crap on the days i see the therapist dude. and this is helping me....how...exactly??
yes. i will keep going. because he might be able to help E. and i can't expect ethan to go if i'm not willing to go myself.
therapist dude's words of wisdom to me today?
write down a list of pros and cons (regarding where i want to live).
jam the tunes in my iPod, caffinate up and think.


Sara said...

Why do you feel like you're failing E sometimes?

Joe gets angry at me sometimes (post divorce). He's told me before that I'm ruining his life, among several other hurtful things. I try not to listen to those things and just be there for him for the rest. I seem to be getting through to him but I'm sure this isn't done, not by a lot.

Wanna talk about it? Or rant? I can listen to a one sided vent if you'd like! You can even call me the horrible names you try not to say to anyone else :) Just sayin'.

Marieke said...

Holy hell, sheez you are hard on yourself! So you're not the perfect mother. Who is? We all just struggle through motherhood, trying not to turn the whole thing into a complete disaster. Seriously don't we all just make it up as we go along? I'm sure nobody is keeping score either. 'nuff said. You're doing the best you can and what's more you are aware when you've slipped up. Sheez, that is a heck of a lot more than a lot of people can say.
And can I just say one thing? You can do it! LOL. But I mean considering to fire your therapist and find a new one, just for you. (I almost wrote 'fuck' the therapist but uhm that's not very appropriate...;)Does your therapy have to be linked to E's?

QuirkyGirl said...

The best thing my ex-husband ever said to me was right after our first daughter was born. I was terrified of this tiny little girl. I was afraid to be alone with her. I just new I was going to screw up her whole life. He sat me down and asked point blank what I was so afraid of. I told him. "What if I screw this all up?" Then he said it...."You're going to. Every parent does. The most we can do is the best we can." I still struggle with thinking my girls deserve better than me for a mother. But it's incredibly freeing to just accept the fact that I'm going to jack up something somewhere along the way. Dig in and do the best I can. Being such a scatter-brained, fly by the seat of your pants person doesn't always give the most structure or sense of security, but on the other hand it teaches them to not be afraid of life. There are good lessons in the way you raise your boys, Kim.

mary said...

I see a therapist.... The last time that I saw her I was so anxious I asked her what she could do for me????? Luck has it she lost her husband to the same thing you lost James to, so she understands how bad and I mean JUST how bad it sucks to be alone without the person you love. She also had 2 young boys and was a nurse. I wish i could give you a hug. I have been thinking of selling my house also I live on 10 acres and it really sucks, plus I have a herd of sheep that I used to see the sun set and rise in. I just want you to know you are not alone, I think about you often....
I think taking your boys out and tripping around is awesome, I just got back from Humboldt Co. tripping RUNNING....all I can say is I understand.

Melissa said...

When I first started seeing my therapist I cried A LOT. I would sit on the couch and cry. I would leave the office and cry some more. But then something happened. I stopped crying so much. Now, I can't imagine not being in therapy. I am learning so much and I'm healing and feeling peace creep into my life.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to find peace. I can't imagine going through all you are.



Anonymous said...

I struggle with the sense of being a good mom... one who 'should' be able to be the everything to my son. My son has some special needs and it stinks that I can't solve his problems... can't make his life easier. It makes me wonder what pains my parents had for me growing up and how they dealt with it.

Hindsight is often so clear. We do what we can in the time we have. You are seeking help, searching for the path that best fits your family and taking road trips which sound healthy for everyone in your family! This rocks!

Let us know when you visit the Eugene area again!


Lisa said...

the thought of you flippin off the therapist dude makes me crack a smile, so I get where he would crack one too
Pros and cons list
so cliche, but they work
I think of that list as my little mental trash bin.
No profound words of wisdom for you girl
I was listening to a cover of Matt Nathanson's "Come on Get Higher" by Sugarland this am and thought of you.