blurry photo but i don't care.
it conveys a feeling of freedom.
this is me in lincoln city. or at least the bottom half of me. ha!
jan makes me aware of things that i easily forget.
ethan respects her. and that is saying something.
i am failing my oldest son. in certain respects anyway.
why can't i give him everything he needs all at the same time?
i absolutely mother fucking SUCK at keeping it all together.
i can focus on a few things...but then other things get out of control....it's a fucking never-ending circle of shit.
i always feel like i am barely hanging on or that i have to catch up.
i can do the things that have to be done. but then i fail at other things.
how hard can it be??
so totally not looking for 'you can do it, it'll all be okay' comments. i'm just sayin.
seeing a therapist sucks. i fucking always feel like crying when i am there. and crying sucks. what. are they just not fuckin doing their job unless they make you feel like you want to cry?!
i am pretty sure that i will, in fact, flip him off again. because he pisses me off. i think he finds me amusing. which makes me smile my smirky smile.
i want to be so over all this shit.
i want to be in control of my emotions. to be in control of every aspect of my life (as much as a person can be anyway).
i want to rely on no one.
i don't want to need anyone.
and it pisses me off that i might, some day....need someone.
needing someone makes you vulnerable and i am so not going there.
i always feel like crap on the days i see the therapist dude. and this is helping me....how...exactly??
yes. i will keep going. because he might be able to help E. and i can't expect ethan to go if i'm not willing to go myself.
therapist dude's words of wisdom to me today?
write down a list of pros and cons (regarding where i want to live).
jam the tunes in my iPod, caffinate up and think.