the ability to turn it off...to just let go...fucking rocks.

big, loud waves.
i dig that.
i am pretty much fascinated with any dude that spends large amounts of time out on the ocean.
stopped at the tatoo shop/parlor while i was here.
to get my nose ring. but they were out. um....hello. what kind of tatoo parlor is out of nose rings?!!

been wasting entirely too much energy on something that is bad for me. instead of fighting it....thinking i NEED this particular thing to keep my shit together....i just let go. i am done.

fort bragg is a possibility. i am comfortable there. i think i can get over the history i have there (with james and pre-james).

long-haired hippy dude and a little roadtrip.

i used to live in fort bragg, california. loved it there. decided to take a little roadtrip back there over memorial day weekend. i went to one of my favorite beaches. i sat, wrapped up in a blanket and watched the sun set. it's the first time i've been back there since james died. it was our place. i took him there once we were together. and he loved it. we went there often.

today is my anniversary. james and i pretty much spent every memorial day weekend in mendocino/fort bragg for the last 18 years. it was just our thing. where we went for a quick weekend getaway. i sat on the beach. without him. took in the beauty. the smell of the ocean. i took the time to really appreciate what i was seeing. and smelling. the feeling i had. that i could take a deep breath.

as i walked toward the waves, under the trussell, there was a long-haired hippy dude and his dog walking on the beach. i love dogs. so of course i talked to the dog as we passed each other. long-haired hippy dude smiled at me. i smiled back. whatever. i didn't give it another thought. on my way back to my car (after sitting on the beach for quite a while) long-haired hippy dude was sitting on a big log with his dog. he came over to me as i was walking toward my car. he asked me to sit with him on the beach. some people you are just attracted to right away. i knew in the time it took us to pass each other on the beach that i was attracted to him. it was trippy. and it was good.

nothing happened between me and long-haired hippy dude. because i didn't let it. but i was so tempted. if i didn't have kids...that night would so have ended differently. instead....i had to leave...go back to the boys (no, they were not by themselves). i am 100% a do it now, instinctual (deal with the consequences later) kind of person. except now i can't be. because i have the boys. and it's a constant struggle within myself. holy crap it's exhausting.

what an amazing beach. what an amazing sunset. and long-haired hippy dude......it was just a fuckin trip...him coming up to me....it was nice to feel connected....to someone....

no, i'm not dead. just laying in the middle of my driveway.

one of my favorite photos of ethan. walkin on the beach. drinkin hot cocoa. nice.
my toes are now metallic blue. sweet. nice change from the purple that they were (that everyone thought was black). they will be black. at some point.
feeling fuckin' destructive.
that comes and goes.
well. no. it mostly comes.
but i mostly maintain.
feeling overwhelmed today (i was sorting through some of james' things in the garage).
so i layed down in the middle of the driveway.
to fucking get my shit together.
needed just a minute.
and jan drove by (she lives a few houses down).
we ended up spending the evening together.
dan invited us for dinner (he cooks...jan does not)....
jan and i took a long walk.
we talked.
dan and rachael had the boys.
i don't know what i'm going to do withtout her/them (when i move).
that's gonna suck.

a no photo post.

i'm too lazy to look through my photos.
therapist dude asked me to write some things down.
he's going to read them next time i see him.
poor dude. he doesn't know what he's gettin himself into.
he asked me to write about the things that i leave off my blog.
so i did.
restless. so so restless.
think i'm gonna hit the road this weekend.
now i'm gonna go watch a movie. maybe two.

maybe i should live where it rains.

love the look on alexander's face.
he is SO my kid.
so fucking full of attitude (LOVE that).
love the innocent, adorable smile on E's face. nice.
feeling downright pissed off.
for no good reason.
been feeling this way for a couple of days.
restless.
went to see therapist dude this afternoon.
that makes me tired.
enjoyed a nice drive home.
it was 84 degrees.
the clouds rolled in.
it almost looked like rain. but it never rains here.
drove with the windows down and my music loud.
i can do that when the boys aren't in the car.
never giving up my 'i don't give a crap attitude.'
it works for me.
trying to appreciate the small things......

39.

one of my favorite photos of us.
you holding me and your fuckin leg wrapped around me.
so good.
this photo totally makes me smile.
thanksgiving 2007 in mendocino.
so fucking sexy.
holy crap i miss him.
that part of us.

james took this. totally. he ALWAYS freakin took photos of my ass. and it fuckin cracks me up.

i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, that i thought today would be a good day not to try so hard. to let myself think about him.

it's possible to feel deep (deeper than i've ever known even existed) sadness....yet be able to laugh at the same time. that's what today is like for me. today james would have been 39.

james wouldn't want me to be sad today. and i'm tired of fuckin being sad anyway...so i have tried to think about all the good.....to laugh and smile. i know james would not want me to let this kick my ass. i said pretty much the same thing on facebook (everyone kept sending me email messages asking me if i was okay today). so yeah. i'm fine.......

15 things. 10 was not enough. 20 was too many.

the astoria-megler bridge. as i type the name of the bridge i say it to myself inside my head. it makes me laugh. i will never forget the name of this bridge.

it takes you from oregon into washington state. we drove over it. it needed to be done.

15 things:
emptiness.
and then fulfillment.
the natural way things roll. sometimes it's brutal. sometimes it's beautiful.
the ocean.
coca-cola.
sugar.
i realize coca-cola and sugar are basically the same thing. but seriously. if my body doesn't receive a dose of sugar in some form (along WITH a coke) every day...i'm hurtin. how did this addiction happen?
caffeine. yes. i'm back on the red bull.
peaceful sleep.
thinking outside yourself. NOT being self-absorbed. being aware of what's around you. the fuckin bigger picture.
laughter.
life. broken-in and blown-apart. it's powerful.
possibility.
realizing injustice is not being overcharged at the effin grocery store. how quickly we become small.
clarity.
wicked goodness.


quirkygirl, what is your name?
eva...hi! you are wonderful.

stream of consciousness.

blurry photo but i don't care.
it conveys a feeling of freedom.
this is me in lincoln city. or at least the bottom half of me. ha!
jan makes me aware of things that i easily forget.
ethan respects her. and that is saying something.
i am failing my oldest son. in certain respects anyway.
why can't i give him everything he needs all at the same time?
i absolutely mother fucking SUCK at keeping it all together.
i can focus on a few things...but then other things get out of control....it's a fucking never-ending circle of shit.
i always feel like i am barely hanging on or that i have to catch up.
i can do the things that have to be done. but then i fail at other things.
how hard can it be??
so totally not looking for 'you can do it, it'll all be okay' comments. i'm just sayin.
seeing a therapist sucks. i fucking always feel like crying when i am there. and crying sucks. what. are they just not fuckin doing their job unless they make you feel like you want to cry?!
i am pretty sure that i will, in fact, flip him off again. because he pisses me off. i think he finds me amusing. which makes me smile my smirky smile.
i want to be so over all this shit.
i want to be in control of my emotions. to be in control of every aspect of my life (as much as a person can be anyway).
i want to rely on no one.
i don't want to need anyone.
and it pisses me off that i might, some day....need someone.
needing someone makes you vulnerable and i am so not going there.
i always feel like crap on the days i see the therapist dude. and this is helping me....how...exactly??
yes. i will keep going. because he might be able to help E. and i can't expect ethan to go if i'm not willing to go myself.
therapist dude's words of wisdom to me today?
write down a list of pros and cons (regarding where i want to live).
jam the tunes in my iPod, caffinate up and think.

one of my favorite photos from astoria.

the view outside our hotel in astoria. the boys loved watching the big ships come and go up/down the columbia river. nice.
trying to put myself in the right mindset for what is to come.
trying to keep my perspective.
trying to find the balance of me going on with my life while at the same time keeping james' memory alive for the boys. that is balance i have yet to achieve.
when my need to move finally outweighs my fear of fucking up i guess i'll do something. it's not that i'm afraid of fucking up. i'm not. cuz, dude. i fuck up all the time. but this time....there are consequences. any wrong decision i make will affect us financially. that is a big part of why i haven't made my decision yet. there are also smaller issues...selling my house...buying another one....actually moving. but this is what i tell myself. no matter what happens, we will be okay. i'll figure it out.