my philosophy.

i love this house. there's something about it. it's a house i saw when driving around seaside. it has character. i dig that. if it happened to be in a town i wanted to live in, and was the right size, i might buy it. it just has that feel to it.

my philosophy:

live fully and completely.

sometimes it's really hard to do. do it anyway.

show empathy. that is so very important.

do what the fuck you want.

say what you mean.

mean what you say.

do things for yourself.

you are responisble for yourself. for your actions. live it. and move on.

if you want something, make it happen. figure out a way and do it.

if you're not happy with something, change it.

be willing to take a chance.

you can never get this second, minute, hour or day back.

do something good with it. whatever that is to you.

don't judge yourself too harshly.

take care of youself. no one else will.

stand up for yourself.

be open. to life.

be happy. and dude. i know that is so not easy. but at least try.

slut butt.

photo E took.
me at cannon beach.
it was frickin freezing!!!!!
i was not adequately prepared for how cold it would be. and i should have been. i know what it's like at the northern oregon coast.
going to eat coffee ice cream with magic shell. i so shouldn't. but i so am.
going to watch a movie.
and then go to bed.
first quiet moment all day. holy crap.
took my mom to the airport. she is now on her way home.
so we see this chick with a tramp stamp. you know...a huge-ass tatoo sticking out of her thong and low rise jeans. my mom goes, 'oh look. slut butt.' omg. too fricking funny. so i tell her, no mom. it's called a tramp stamp. i love it. then i tell her i am getting a tatoo. not a tramp stamp...but something. just haven't decided what and where. i think it will be hidden. seen only when i am naked.

the weekend was crazy.

E turned 8 on april 20th. we celebrated this weekend. this photo sucks (it's blurry) and i funked it out (which i dig). this is jan singing happy birthday to E in spanish. she is, after all, a spanish teacher and just got back from spending some time in peru. E thought it was pretty funny. he loves her.

all E wanted for his birthday was a new DS game (which i gave him), to see his counsins (they came and spent the weekend with us) and a chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting.

it was a crazy weekend.

5 boys.

christine and my mom here.

dana here on frday.

all of us up late.

very very late.

talking.

laughing.

no martinis for me (though i was tempted since dana was here). i had a wee bit too much to drink last weekend and i'm still not quite over it.

all i can say is, you gotta take peeps as they are.

keep a smile on your face and take it as it comes.

oh. and keep the vodka handy. i may have that martini tonight. because i feel like my head is going to explode. it. was. insane. (good...but insane).

there is something to be said for vodka.

last weekend i was happy. well, as 'happy' as i can be, anyway. ~rolling my eyes at myself~ jesus christ i am fucked up.

i was at the ocean.

my only real issue was the boys' behavior (off and on)....specifically on saturday. aside from that i was good. had a little tiny bit of happiness goin' on.

today? i am a fucking mess. and fuck it pisses me off.

it surprises me, how sometimes totally out of the blue my emotions get the better of me. i can miss james so intensely it stops me from breathing. it literally makes me feel like i am going to throw up.

this is how i felt for so long after he first died. i couldn't eat. or sleep. well, today...that's how i feel. what really pisses me off is that this is happening to me six fucking months later. i am fucking sick of it.

it still brings me to tears, every time i think about the boys having so much of their lives ahead of them without james. that is just so sad to me. because he had so much to offer them. so much love for them. so much to teach them. and now they won't have any of it. only what comes from me. and seriously. that is downright mother fucking scary.

trying to pull my shit together since i have people arriving here shortly.

but dude. i so did not feel like being betty mother fucking crocker and baking E's birthday cake today. but i did.

the combination of starting therapy this week, being back from a trip...missing james....and other things....having had a lot of fun on that trip....did i mention being back here? in this hell? yeah. i think i did. not a good combo.

i so want to put this all behind me.

and begin something new.

so. fucking. exhausted.

we, as humans, spend too much time worrying, comparing, wondering and just generally being unsatisfied. with ourselves. with our lives. with what we have. or don't have.

a person is so much more than how they appear. it's everything, the entire package. the good. the bad. the whatever it is....it's just everything. i appreciate it all. whatever it is. no judgment. i do not expect or demand change. if you expect or want change, it wasn't right for you in the first place.

it's not whether your house is clean and in perfect order. yes, i have peeps coming to stay with me this weekend....should i clean and be all perfect? or fuck it.

it's not whether you're a slob (as in shit everywhere in your house). who the fuck cares. be who you are. and be down with it.

and if you're not? change it. otherwise, cut yourself some slack and move on. those kinds of things just really don't matter.

we need to appreciate what we have.

who we are.

where we are (in life not as in i should appreciate the hell hole i now reside in). because that's never happening.

i struggle with lack of motivation and lack of direction. especially since james died. i have no focus. my strong burning desire (never-ending, or so i thought) to paint is not as strong. it comes and goes. it's been mostly gone. and that sucks some serious ass. nothing seems to really matter.

that's hard for me. because i'm all about consumption. being consumed. by painting. by...well....everything. the brief times i have felt that since james died? best mother fucking moments.

i'm having a hard time figuring out where i want to go. i don't seem capable of making a clear cut decision. which pisses me off. because i can usually do that. so i'm wondering why i can't do that now.

i think i am afraid of making a mistake. it's not just me. it's me and the boys. i fucking hate being unsure of myself. of having other peeps rely on me. that is some scary shit.

we're back.

been thinking a lot about what is important to me.

while driving (and in the hotels) i listened to matt nathanson, monte montgomery, dave matthews band, audioslave (frickin love the song 'like a stone') and coldplay. all good shit.

i'm just gonna talk about matt nathanson one more time. the dude. his guitar. nothing else. 'at the point' fucking rocks. he has a band too....but at the point is just him. his voice. his guitar. and i fucking love that.

back from our trip.

i always crash when i return from a trip.
this time is no different.

hating life right now.

i literally want to climb into bed, put my iPod on, jam the tunes so loud i can't hear anything else close my eyes and try to sleep.

i have a problem processing things. when i'm doing something, i do it. if it's complicated in any way, or i am low enegy (which i am.....the sleep deprivation thing sucks)..... i don't process any of it until days later. it's like my mind/body records the event and when i think about it....go over it in my mind.....that's when i can appreciate what i have done, and how i now feel after having done it. how i SHOULD have felt WHILE doing it.

when what i am doing is all consuming, intense....i can forget everything and just focus on that moment. those times are the fucking best. the moment takes you away from everything else and to you. to what you are all about. to what you are doing. right then. and that fucking rocks.

the day we left astoria (sunday), the weather was perfect. the boys and i took a final walk on the beach. me in a skirt and short sleeved shirt. it was awesome! the boys gave me a few minutes to just think. they picked up shells, rocks...sticks...you know...did boy stuff. and before we left...well...i just had to write a little something in the sand. so someone would know i was there.

spending tonight in seaside and the weekend in astoria.

been jammin' to tunes.
matt nathanson (at the point). holy crap he rocks. i am fucking in love with his voice. and his guitar playing.
taking walks on the beach.
freezing my ass off.
drinking hot hot coffee.
consuming large amounts of caffeine and candy and not enough real food.
acknowledging the huge hole (i mean really noticing) there is in my life from james not being in it any more. feeling homesick (for james, not for home). home sucks.
not feeling like we've found a place. yet.
though i did really love newport.
i am conflicted. whatever it is i am saying to myself....there are too many other noises and i can't clearly hear what i am saying. what it is that i want. where it is that i want to go.
been kind of sad on this trip. and i'm not sure why.
i really haven't had any time to just sit. and think. and i need that. i need that and about 20,000 hours of sleep.
boys are exhausted. they fell asleep in under 5 minutes tonight. and that never happens.

we are in newport!

little plane ride.
little driving time (well....not a little)...more than a little. a lot.
and we're here!
jamming to tunes while i drive is so therapeutic for me. love love love that.
driving down highway 20 (heading west) and coming down the little hill....that's when you first see the ocean....smelling the air...SO good.
boys in the pool (me in the hot tub).
found somewhere to eat.
boys are getting ready for bed.
tomorrow?
going to the beach.
driving. more. we'll end up where we end up.
the highlight of the trip? the three of us singing (loudly) to matt nathanson's 'come on get higher'. holy crap. my boys know the words to that song!! and...um....it's probably not the best song for them to know! heh. they were rockin' it though. omg it was great. i think i will remember that forever...the three of us singing, rocking out in the car. good stuff.
i would post photos if i could. but my laptop can't read my photocard (and i have yet to figure out why).
more later.

hittin' the road.

the boys and i are taking off tomorrow. taking a little roadtrip up the oregon coast (starting from where we left off in january). nice way to spend E's spring break. i am, of course, taking my laptop. and may check in while on the road. so hoping somewhere we go will feel right. so i can do this.

i think i am doing okay.

last of our SF photos. as E was standing there, taking this photo, two women walked by. they were older. "look at that little girl taking a picture!" yeah. girl? if E knew how to give the finger. he would have. i just laughed. my boys are going to be tough. be able to stand up for themselves. to tell people what they want. know who they are. not be defined by how others see them.

chinatown. omg. the smells? soooo freakin' good. the language....the everything.....i love it there.

one of my hopes (and i'll do pretty much anything to make it happen) is that the boys be life-long friends. they ARE brothers. they have no choice in the matter. i want more for them. i want them to be friends. to look out for each other. to be part of each others' lives. forever. look at E, with his arm around alexander. so love that.

our time at the beach. love the sail boat and the golden gate in the background.

they either love each other. or they are fighting. there is no inbetween. huh. wonder where they get that from.

i think i am doing okay. i look back to 6 months ago (yes, it's been 6 months)...i so wish i could stop marking that passage of time....but i look back to 6 months ago and i am happy to be where i am today, compared to where i was at first. happy to not be at the beginning of my life without james. happy to have some time between when he died and now. is life perfect and i'm all happy happy? hell no. but life today is better than when james first died. when i felt my world completely stop.
now that some time has passed, i know where i stand. and have a better idea of what i need to do and what we are going to do.

couple more photos from san fran.

at the pier. first on the agenda? a pretzel. duh. then of course, ice cream.

i love boats. all kinds of boats. i just love boats. always have.

so stinking cute. caught both boys. with happy faces. so so good.

here mommy. i have a flower for you.

the carousel. just a random shot. like i always take.

E.
people think i am running away (by taking so many roadtrips). i'm not. i just can't sit around. doing nothing. every fucking weekend. the weekend was james' time with the boys. and we just cannot sit around doing nothing. so we go places. it's not about running away. it's about getting out. and living life. trying to re-form our family. trying to keep communication open between me and the boys. because i see E closing off. and that can't happen.

another roadtrip.

the boys and i needed to get away. so we threw some shit into the car and went to san francisco. yes, i know we were just there a couple of months ago. but it doesn't matter. i needed to go back. E took this one of me and alexander. he now asks me every time we go somewhere if he can take some photos. it's cute. and so far so good on the him not dropping my camera thing!

so freaking love this photo. this was as we were walking from our hotel to the pier.

going over the bay bridge.

alexander running around on our way back from the pier.

i don't usually spend much time downtown in SF. but this trip we took a walk around....looked at things. it was nice. i have many many more photos. i'll probably post more. later.

i had a crazy week last week. this weekend, i unplugged. focused on the boys. spent some quiet time. E is having a very hard time right now. i have been talking to his grief conselor. who may now become my grief counselor (or one of his associates)....yes. i am considering one-on-one grief counseling for all three of us. still deciding. one thing i do know? i need to do everything i can for E. and if me being in counseling with him, or alone will help him in any way....then that is what i need to do.