something i've been working on here and there.

emily sent me a surprise in the mail: a passport-style book (and a few other supplies including some delicous ribbon from thailand) to use to help prepare for our trip to thailand. she randomly stamped a page here and there and added the 'kimberly' stickers to the first page to get me started. i, of course, grunged that page up with ink. after that the page just felt complete so i moved on. if you have the time, click on the images to make them larger. much better that way.
i decided to use this passport book to record my feelings, and why i decided to go to thailand. i cut up some heidi swapp sticker letters, threw in some paint and machine stitching and called those two pages good.
somewhere over the last few years i have lost sight of who i am. i am a wife, and a mother, but after that i don't even know. i love my kids deeply and fiercely but i also know i need to find out who i am. now. after being with james for so many years, after being a mother for 7 years. it's time to focus a little

attention on me. to find out what it is that i want to do, what i want to be. finding an identity other than wife and mother has been something i have long sturggled with. this isn't new for me. when i saw the announcement about thailand on emily's blog something inside of me just sort of took over. i sent
an email to james with a link to emily's blog with a note that said, 'in a perfect world'. that night he came home with a book about thailand. a few days later i made up my mind and sent an email to tara and then one to emily. and now i am going to thailand.
some days it's all i can do to get up, take care of the boys, do what has to be done....and make it through the day. i have lost my passion for creating, for life. i need it back.
exhaustion like i have never felt before. maybe going to thailand will help me see things clearly.
with this trip i hope to find my way back to wanting to create...needing to create. i like the unfinished quality to this page. and the funky vase. love love love funky old vases. as if anyone who has ever seen any of my paintings wouldn't know that already.

these are the pages i have made so far. working in this passport book is the first creating i've done in a long time.

the fair (part 2). i told you it was coming.

i meant to post this at the end. but i didn't. so here it is at the beginning. this was at the very end of the night right before we left. two happy boys. i had to capture the moment (because they were being so nice to each other).

alexander on the tugboat ride. again.

Ethan on the dragon rollercoaster.
E on this big maze thing where there was a slide at the end to get down.
me and alexander (and next to me are james' mom and cousin brian).
alexander giving brian a hug. so cute.
after the hug, yet another time on the jets. but just look at them. they were so happy.

the fair (part 1). yes. this will be a two-parter.

on thursday of last week we went to the state fair with james' family. there were 12 of us 6 of which were children.

this is alexander on the jets. he LOVED this ride. if you're willing to take the time, you really should click on the photos to make them bigger. much better that way.
i handed the camera to james to collect alexander at the exit of the jets ride and he snapped our pic. for some reason in this photo alexander doesn't look happy. but trust me. he was. he was happy all night long. and we didn't get home until 11pm!!
in the front is joey (james' sister's youngest). in the back row (left to right) is of course E, then justin (james' sister's as well). next to justin is brian (james' brother's little boy) and of course next to brian is alexander. they all went on the tugboat ride and had a great time.
alexander back on the jets again. i'm telling ya....the kid LOVED that ride.
james somehow managed to take this photo of me, alexander and auntie trish (james' cheeseball sister). and i mean the cheeseball thing in a loving way, not a mean way! lol....

and what do we have here???? oh, it's just my loving husband flippin' me the bird!!! all because HE had to go on this ride and not me. ha!!! sweet, isn't he? joey, our nephew (trish's youngest) really wanted to go on this ride (where you lay down) so uncle james took him.

james and E on a pretty fast-moving ride. you can tell it's going fast because about 10 inches of james' hair is behind him. yep. the dude has very long hair right now.

i have more pics. many many more pics. be prepared. i may....heck...who am i kidding....i WILL post a couple more sometime soon. we always have a good time at the fair. well....mostly the boys do. but it's something we've always done with james' family and i would like to keep that tradition.

the one person i miss during this time is james' dad.

fun was had by all. the boys were dirty, i mean their feet were filthy!!! they were stuffed full of fair food (omg....ICK)...but they loved it. and we'll probably go back next year. back later with more pics. but just a few, i promise.

first day of second grade.

alexander is tired. very very tired. we have had a whirlwind two weeks. he was excited to go play out on the second grade playground but his energy quickly ran out so he sat down for a little rest. alexander had mixed emotions today. he wants E to go back to school (alexander says E picks on him too much) but alexander will miss E. they do play nicely together from time to time. alexander is also sad that he's not getting to go to school. i told him next year will be his year.
i watched E and alexander walk into school. i love a shot from the back. i have a similar shot from kindergarten and first grade as well.
just hangin', waiting for the bell to ring. E is on the right by the red pole. you can tell my kid. he's the one with the longest hair.
alexander on the monkey bars. he LOVES the monkey bars.
E and mrs. dolan (his teacher) on the way into class after the bell rang.

i sent E off with his backpack stuffed with school supplies and his lunchbox. i put a little note in his lunchbox telling him to have a great first day of second grade and that i love him. i hope he really does have a great first day of second grade. he was very excited this morning to be going back to school!

mikhail baryshnikov.

fairly current photo i think.
i find him extremely sexy..... his body, his accent....
back in the day...what must his life have been like. powerful yet graceful, he really is a beautiful man.

just thought i would share my love of mikhial.

some of what we've been up to lately.

on wednesday we drove to california to see james' aunt anna. she has a pool so the boys played and had a great time. this is E swimming.
here's a shot of cousins (and my kids) and also just leaving the frame is will, james' brother.
alexander loves to float around in his fish. the weather was perfect, much fun was had and best of all james brought me a margarita to sip while i sat poolside keeping an eye on all the boys.

the key to longevity.

as an artist i am constantly changing, evolving.
you need to be inspired by current trends, fasion, pretty much anything and everything.
BUT....you must always be you.
i am gearing up.
getting ready to shift my attention back to creating art.
it seems to come in waves for me. in cycles.
when it all finally overcomes me i hope i will have some kid-free time to let it rip.

emotions are messy.

why is it that my emotions are bottled up until i watch a movie.
instead of being content with what i have i WANT the 'romance' of what i'm watching.
i can feel others' pain but don't recognize my own. UNTIL i watch a movie. then it comes pouring out.
for some reason i go through most days emotionless. i smile, and laugh....but i don't really feel it until i'm alone. or watching a mvie, or a complete season of a television show.
i crave romance. even a show like sex and the city can make me cry. WTF is up with that.

summer is winding down.

from the olympics, i have been interested in three things. womens' gymnastics ( and mens' too, how could i not want the underdog USA team to win a medal?), dara torres and last but not least, michael phelps. other than that? i don't watch. mostly it was the womens' gymnastics and michael phelps. i may have gazed at all the amazing perfectly defined and in shape bodies. wow. like holy crap wow. i wish i had some of their motivation/determination.

ethan and alexander's cousins are leaving tomorrow morning (and the boys are not happy about it). i think they've all had a pretty fun week at auntie's. how could they not with going to the park, eating ice cream, going to the marina, bike riding, video games, going to the lake and to the water park. who wouldn't want to come to auntie's house. the food has been pretty good too if i do say so myself. more time consuming to feed that many, but it is most definitely do-able. we have put our brand new table to good use. everyone had a place at the table. nice.
summer is winding down. school starts in just over a week. it is getting dark earlier (boo, hiss)....we have had, however, a heat wave through here the last few days. triple digits. our air conditioner has definitely been working overtime. it's 11:30pm and it is still on.
i really wish next week could be filled with fulfilling my 'i want to's' instead of the 'i need to's and i will do's'. i would love to drive over to the coast for a few days. but that won't be happening.
being that i haven't painted in almost three months, i hope to change that sometime soon. i can feel the urge bubbling back up to the top. i haven't had the opportunity (or energy really) to paint, or art journal. i am hoping when E goes back to school i can change that. there are just only so many hours in the day. and none of them seem to be spent in that way. it's again all about the cycles and how i do not have my life in balance.
now i am off to take more allergy medicine. i will soon be going to bed. i do have an early call. and it is SO hard for me to wake up when i get so little sleep. i had two nights that i actually slept a couple hours in a row but seem to be back to tossing and turning all night. which is SO irritating. and exhausting.

seriously crazy day.

took the boys to lake tahoe.
poor little alexander was wiped. out. fell asleep in the car on the way home. SO cute.
christine came so james and i got a surprise date night.
we went to dinner and then saw the new batman movie.
came home, helped get everyone ready for bed.
tomorrow the boys and i are off to wild waters (our local water park).
now i'm going to catch up on the olympics, watch a little sex and the city then go to bed.

when times were simpler.

for some reason i have been thinking a lot about what life used to be like. like right after high school. no obligations. nothing but freedom. i did not have the responsibilities i have now.

the biggest decision i used to have to make was whether to have another drink or if, perhaps 8 margaritas was enough. i didn't think about the future. i thought about right now. when does that change? i miss that freedom. i'm not saying i would trade my life for what it used to be...but damn. i sure love that time of my life. i guess i'm just feeling meloncholy.

life is all about choices. i question mine from time to time. you are ultimately responsible for yourself, but when you are married, and have children it's no longer black and white. that makes it much hard to make the decisions that may be right for just you.

and totally unrelated, holy crap the athletes in the olympics.....their bodies.....did i already say holy crap???!!! they are machines. impressive perfect bodies.

i have five boys in my house.

i know of late my blog has been fairly negative. i'm trying to work through that. let me just say that these last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. i have mentioned the usual things, and other things here and there. i haven't really gone into it in much detail. one of the biggest problems has been exhaustion. i have never felt such exhaustion in my life.

on another note......my brother (he lives in california) drove over today and brought with him his three boys. kyler is 10 (will be 11 next month). the twins, sawyer and riley, are 8 (they will be 9 in december). i love my nephews. they are staying with us for a week. and let me tell you. it. is.. crazy. and loud. but good. today was filled with video games, running around screaming out of pure joy and bike riding.

tomorrow we are off to the park for a picnic lunch. then we are headed to swensons for ice cream. and i am sure more video games and bike riding as well. my brother is back at home. it's pretty much just me and five boys.

i never really realized until today what an assembly line it takes to feed five boys. and holy crap the amount of food they went through just today. now all five boys (and james) are in bed. aaaaaaaaah. it's quiet. at least until they wake up in the morning. lol... i do, however, enjoy spending time with my nephews. i don't get to see enough of them. ethan and alexander have been looking forward to this. i just hope i can keep them all entertained and happy for the next week.

what i wouldn't give....

what i wouldn't give for someone to gently put their hand on my back. just a gentle touch.
what i wouldn't give for someone to rub my right ankle (i hurt it today).
what i wouldn't give for james to wake up rested and feel good.
what i wouldn't give for james to smile. a genuine smile.
what i wouldn't give to want to be with my kids 24/7. i wish i never needed a break. but i do.
what i wouldn't give to have no stress in my life.
what i wouldn't give to feel like i have support, that i'm not in this alone.
what i wouldn't give to wake up with purpose.
what i wouldn't give to wake up feeling energized.
what i wouldn't give to have peace and contentment. true happiness.
i could go on. but instead i will go read story and put the children to bed.

re-do.

tonight after dinner the boys wanted to ride their bikes. it's what we do in the evenings. so i took the opportunity to get a photo of alexander riding that doesn't suck ass.

also got this photo of ethan. i should have been yelling at him to get down. but...uh....instead i, being the great mother than i am, snapped the shot. i'm happy to report we did NOT have to visit the emergency room from this evening's ride.

i have been tagged by the fabulous amie.

here are my six random things:

1. the other day i listened to some old cd's. i mean OLD. tracy chapman, in particular. whenever i hear her, it reminds me of my old boyfriend, timothy, and the time i went to visit him in newport, oregon. he was in the coast guard and was stationed there.

2. i have a thing for men in uniform. particularly the coast guard. did i mention i dated a guy who was a coastie? um, actually i dated a couple of 'em. not of course, at the same time. geez. i AM a lady! (to anyone who is now laughing their ass off, knock it off. i was serious).

3. when i was at the grocery store today i did not buy the bag of oreo cookies that i wanted. but damn i wish i would have. i would be eating them now if i did.

4. about three weeks ago i cut my left index finger very deeply (and right through my fingernail). it bled like a son of a bitch and it still hurts. i'm missing a chunk of fingernail and keep catching that finger on stuff.

5. i love the smell of rain. we have a 50% chance of rain here tomorrow. here's hopin'!

6. i am in dire need of new bras and underwear. seriously.

this is the part where i'm supposed to tag six people...but i'm entirely too lazy. so...if you read this long blog post, consider yourself tagged. post your 6 randoms and link me up.

so proud of alexander.

alexander rode his bike with no training wheels today for the first time!! he's four! and yes, i know the photos suck ass. tell me about it.
the first photo looks like it was dark. while it was definitely dusk, it wasn't as dark as it seems. i clearly just do not know how to use my camera. i was trying to capture the moment but uh.....yeah...the old camera was not set correctly.

i am so proud of alexander! proud and sad at the same time!! he is my baby. my little boy no longer needs training wheels! i am an emotional basket case becasue typing this is almost making me cry! i was just thinking this is the house my kids are growing up in. they learned to ride their bikes in front of the house on this street.

it really wasn't that long ago that we took E's training wheels off. i remember a neighbor coming up to use a couple weeks after and saying they watched us, as james and i helped E, and taught him how to ride without his training wheels. it's like a private moment for the world to see. it's kind of nice that someone else took joy in watching us teach our boys how to ride their bikes. my kids will have memories of their lives in this house. they are old enough to start remembering things from their childhood. sometimes i just think to myself, holy crap. i have kids?! really?!! it just blows me away. i am just so happy for alexander. he was proud of himself and my heart is so full of love for that little boy.......that amazing, smart, handsome, wonderful little boy. alexander, one day you will read this. i just want you to know how proud of you i am, and how happy you make me. i love you.

trying to find my way out.

all day long my mind is a pile of mush.
only when i work out do i find clarity. brief minutes of clarity.
why is that?
a benefit of exercise? ~GASP~ there really ARE benefits???!!
how can it be then, that as soon as i stop that clarity is gone and i again delve deep back into nothingness.
why can't i keep my thoughts straight?
why can't i work it all out enough so that i can have an intelligent conversation and actually know what i want to say. actually know what is wrong. and how to fix it. or even begin to address it.
instead i sit quietly. saying nothing. but wanting to say everything.