Monday, September 06, 2010

weekend recap.

i am listening to the rain.
i find it very comforting.
the house is now empty except for me and the boys.
my bro and his boys are now safely back in california.
trying to change my attitude.
it's better.
but when i listen to myself.....
really listen to myself....
i can tell i'm still not me.
the me i used to be.
in certain situations, it's getting harder to reign in the emotion.
harder to keep things to myself.
which scares the shit out of me.
i think i have found a small piece of happy.
not the same happy i used to have.
but some happy nonetheless.
and i'm afraid it's going to go away.
or maybe it's not really even there to begin with.
at times i am sure, i mean SURE it is.
but then, in an instant, i am again filled with nothing but doubt.
i just know that in certain circumstances i can take a deep breath.
and am filled with a to describe it.
a small bit of peace???
it's scary.
because i cannot have my new level of comfort, this itty bitty small bit of peace i feel from time to time, yanked away.
i'm not sure i could handle it.
so i sit, unsure of what to do.
so i do nothing.
and just go forward trying in the best way i know how, to put my worries and fear aside.
and to just live it.
however it rolls out.

1 comment:

QuirkyGirl said...

Yesterday I pulled up your blog to catch up with my fav west coast girl but got interupted (of course) and simply closed the lid on Lizzie. This a.m. I'm kicking it in Starbucks and read it. Tried to comment only to find it had been pulled. Soooo glad I pulled it up yesterday!!! My comment? Who gives a shit if it's too much info. It's your blog. Your words. your thoughts. If they don't like it...Fuck 'em.

I get this blog though. I'm currently residing in When-is-the-rug-going-out-from-under-me-Ville too. It's a sucky place to live. It keeps jacking with my happy and I find myself inadvertently testing him. As in If I Act THIS Nuts Are You Gonna Stick type tests. WHich is bollocks, I know! But I can't seem to help it. I'm ready to blow this town and move on to a place that lets me roll around in the green grass. Wanna come?